Depression and grief

[nh_user_776522]

I am suffering from deep depression and have been for a long time.

I recently lost a pet (a month ago ) and the pain has been completely unbearable to me . It  was a pet rabbit that was given to me as a gift and that rabbit really loved me . And I loved it too. I have terrible grief as I feel like my depression has affected its happiness and even though I tried my best for it , I am worried my best  wasn't good enough . In the month before he died I was doing a lot better with him and giving him more attention . But the week he got ill I just don't feel like I was on the ball enough with his illness . I live alone and I was feeling very unwell (stress/ depression / anxiety ) and also a tummy bug and bad back . I was also struggling with a lomy of issues of loosing my job / facing possible benefit sanctions because of this , serious money worries and splitting up with a guy I had been seeing who was completely blanking me .

I didn't really feel like there was anyone to call to help me so I had to deal with his illness on his own which I really  wasn't up to with how I was feeling . 

The only person who may have helped is my mom and I regret not asking for her help but she gets bullying attitude  / arsey / plain crazy over illnesses / hospitals / vets and she doesent get understanding so in a stubborn mood I just didn't feel like I could handle her moods as I was at breaking point already and feeling  xtrenely vulnerable and sensitive . 

Without going into too much detail as would take too long , my rabbit didn't make it . I took him to the charity pdsa vets and I had to take him on train and taxis which was very upsetting as also I am an anxious traveller .

I keep churning everything over in my head . I loved this rabbit so much . I mean adored him . But he had been a victim of my depression just like I have . There were days when I left him in his cage all day because I was just numb with depression and couldn't function , days when I had to work when I was unwell with depression and again would leave him in his cage . It physically hurts my heart and body that my rabbit may have felt lonely or sad because of me . I have had another rabbit as company for him for past 2 years but he wanted attention off me . 

I had plans to treat him like a king like he deserved and make him a massive indoor hutch setup where he would have more room , but i never managed to get it together for him in time which kills me . I suffer from fatigue and struggle to keep on top of housework as it is so everything gets put aside as I struggle to survive every day.

I just wanted him to have a fantastic life , not a mediocre life . And now it is too late to make it up to him . 

I say to myself that my other pets are my only thing keeping me going . 

I Am having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis which scares me as even though I have had them for years . I could always distinguish that they were just thoughts and part of my depression but even though I try and ignore these thoughts they feel like they are manifesting . I am worried that in the future there might come a time when I act upon them but at the moment that still seems unlikely . I go through a lot of phases where I  wish I had cancer because at least I would get attention and sympathy for how ill I actually am and get more support . And thEn I would  either die or get better . 

I am suffering from terrible grief and regret on top of my anxiety and depression and even though it has been a month I have hardly got out of bed and have cried so much everyday . I loved that rabbit with all my heart and we did have a lot of cuddles . I guess he was definitely an emotional support animal . I just want to turn the clock back . I need him back . The fact I have anoTher rabbit doesent make me feel any better at all . 

I am cut off from all my friends and family and hardly see anyone . This has been something that has gone on for years .

I see people post about depression and they have a family / kids husband and this seems to me like a high functioning depression . Mine is so bad I will spend days in bed just sleeping and I can't physically do anything . 

I hate the way depression is a mental illness so it effects your judgement and when I get things wrong and make mistakes I hate myself so much even thoUgh I know I'm ill.

I don't think from ththe outside anyone realises quite how ill I am as I can put on an act and a brave face .

I also have agoraphobia so leaving my home feels so hard . But having people around me feels unbearable a lot of The time . But I am so lonely .

I feel so messed up I doubt Melyself if I can ever get properly back on track or whether these Deamons will live with me for as long as I do . 

[nh_user_1152513]

SpiritAnimal

I am truly sorry for the loss of your pet and the grief you are experiencing because of it. I know what loss feels like, and I know what grief over wondering what could have been is too. I also struggle with depression and identified a lot when you talked about how hard it was to be around people, travel, get up and put on a brave face, etc. I also worry constantly about my cat. The one that did die 3 years ago,  I blamed it on myself for not taking him to regular pet visits..or feeding him better food/ playing with him more.I felt like for a long time- that everything I take care of or want eventually dies- whether it be relationships, jobs, finances, projects, pets- any kind of goal would slip through my fingers and get lost in this cloud of sick depressive behaviors. I'm not cured- and I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do- because obv that wouldn't work anyway- but I can tell you what has helped me. 

Firstly..You mentioned having a boyfriend who wasn't present- if he's still in your life at all I would advise dumping him.  It seems like a one sided relationship with lack of communication.

Secondly...perhaps try a group therapy session- I know its hard to even think about wanting to get up and get yourself ready to go and talk to people on your spare time...but the times I have forced myself to go out and try to be a normal, sociable human in settings where there was youth culture- or any kind of "cool" gatherings, I always felt completely alone. There are however meetups where you can go and talk to people who deal with similar issues- you might be surprised how reciprocal and welcoming people can be. This gave me a lot of hope. It takes a lot of maturity and emotional intelligence to make someone feel welcomed in a new group. So decipher your crowds. There are also things like book clubs- you mentioned you wanted to try to start some projects but never finish them- who cares if you don't finish them- it's the act of starting them to help you get through an emotional plateau- do what feels good and set reasonable goals for yourself. 

I know it is hard to put that brave face on and actually go and talk to people for a variety of reasons- but people are fickle creatures- most people over a certain age who are single- want someone who they can connect with- someone who spends time with them. There are actually people out there who will want to dedicate their goals to helping you through what you are and have been going through for a long time. I wouldn't ever really advise a woman to go on a dating site- but I have met some genuinely fantastic people from there.- just make sure they are serious about wanting a new friend and companion. 

As far as the other problems- they're not going to just disappear. You will have to struggle with them- you will feel uncomfortable, as I did and still do. But the pay off is knowing that you have tried all the things that you can try- and that lets one's mind rest easier. Less doubt flooding in means that you can sleep and perform in your life at least a reasonable percentage of the time. You don't have to sit back and watch it- you can participate and I hope you find some people- a better support system that can help you. It doesn't seem like you are happy in many areas of your life, i.e job/ relationship/ family. Those things are all subject to change, however. I wish you the best. Feel free to reach out again--

Marissa

[nh_user_20468]

Hi I know what it is like to lose a beloved animal and feel guilty for various reasons.  I lost a lovely cat when she was 9 and because at the time I had other issues and problems at work I didn't pay her enough attention.  I still cry about this when I am feeling maudlin.  But don't forget animals don't think like we do and they don't feel guilt.  As long as they know they are loved - my cat certainly did and I am sure you rabbit did then they are happy.  They see death differently to us and to them it's part of life,  they don't agonise over it and I believe when they are ready they embrace it.

Have you ever look at the verse 'The Rainbow Bridge'.  It is lovely and I believe we meet our beloved pets again when it's our turn to pass.  x