I have been driving a bus now for over 18 years. This is a city bus. I have had depression for many years and have taken all available drugs which make my depression worse. I was off work for 3 months detoxing from effexor and have just went back to work. I feel like I am going to lose my mind with inj 5 minutes of work. All the stimulation that goes along with my job is killing me. from the hours I work, the people I have to deal with, the 40 bus I have to drive 8 hours a day, to the bikes on the road, people that have no purpose but to make your job harder, to being cut of in traffic to be constantly running behind schedule due to work not giving us enough time to complete a route on time which in turn everyone is p*ssed off that they missed their tranfers and have to wait another hour. To the babies on the bus crying while there mothers are on their cells phones, to stinky people, to a leaf moving, to a seat being slammed down, to getting a wheelchair stuck on a ramp to running behind at all times, anything that moves while driving is stimulation to me and it feels like I can't take another minute without losing it. I cry while I drive, my mind never quits thinking or will relax. I have had it and can't take anymore but I am single and own my own home and can't just quit and get another job that pays 25 an hour. I have been doing this job for 15 years and have missed 3 years of work total due to mostly depression. I am at my wits end and wonder every day every hour every minute if I will get through another day; It adds to tthe stress to even think about selling my house and all that I have worked so hard to have to sell everything and live in a dive and work for mcdonalds. I have had my tailbone cut off due to this job 3 knee surgeries, hysterectmy and had mrsa that almost killed me. I have been beyoung suicidal in the past and it does cross my mind on a daily basis. I just want out of this physical pain and mental pain but don't want to die to do it. I have been unhappy for 54 years and dont' knonw how I can possibly ever being happy doing something 8 hours a day that I can't stand... Any suggestions? I am in pain 24/7 from this job and menally can't take much more. Remember I am single and own my own home and don't have anyone that can help but myself...
My heart is breaking for you as I read your post...It brought tears to my eyes that you are suffering this pain...Please don't give up...You are a bedautiful person who has so much to offer...Can I make some suggestions for you? Have you tried meditation tapes at night? Have you tried doing Mindfulness? Do you exercise? All of these have helped me cope and deal with my depression in a constuctive way...Also, I have been involved with a therapy called CBT...Doing these therapies along with my medication has subsided my depression...My depression was just brought on again by taling Gabapentin...I am taking it for my anxierty and now I'm depressed again...Medication alone is not going to subside your depression...You need to take an active role on your own and try and help yourself...I am praying for that you will find some comfort in my words...I know it is very hard, I don't have to tell you that, but please don't give up, you are wanyted and loved and I am here is you need to talk...
Things seem very desperate right now. I and others on here know EXACTLY how you feel. Doctors don't always, as they have not been to where we are. It is awful and we all have nothing but empathy for you. The people on here are so very supportive and kind, so while it may not seem like it right now, you have made a small positive step in the right direction.
My God I have suffered last two weeks, but no more than anyone else this illness is very personal, and despite help we do fight it alone. But, we CAN change and we can make things better it is down to us though, not others. You have proved to yourself that, despite hating the job, you have battled on, a lot wouldn't, and in what is a mainly male role. Bloody he'll good for you.
So to my why of seeing it you have an awful lot about you. In all lives there is negatives to the way we are but positives as well. You can change your life, but it will need to be done in small steps rather than just flick of a switch and hey it's all great it won't work like that. But with what you have said, you have the tools already to make changes, if you want to, easier said than done, and we all want it now, but it can be done.
Thank you for reading and replying. I am sorry you are feeling depressed also. My daughter in law is in Pharmacy School in Hilo Hawaii right now. She has also mentioned meditation. She said if I can just get away on a 5 minute break at work to sit and meditate. Well, last night at work that is just what I did and low and behold a mentally ill person followed me and sat down and started talking about helping me load my truck. I thought to myself if I don't do something about this stress and depression I am going to be just like the poor thing. I have been on every antidepressant available and all work for a short time and then cause me to get more depressed and suicidal. Getting off of these drugs is almost worse then the pain of depression. I only take clonzapam for sleep and at this point am afraid of any drugs. I know these are just excuses but I have had 3 knee surgeries and just had my knee drained and a cortizone shot a week ago today so a lot of exercises are out for me right now. I do know that exercise can help a lot. My parents do have a indoor pool where they live and I try to make it over there a couple times a week. I work from 4 to midnight which makes it hard to socialize even though I am a introvert. This is making no sense sorry. I am single now for 10 years and own my own home. I make good money driving bus and my house payment is high but affortable with my wages. I feel so stuck I have to have this job to live here. I can't even think of moving that brings on more stress... Its sad but I have thought of everything that I can do and have come up with nothing other than to continue on with this job and snap or my heart will get me from the stress... I am only 53. There is nothing left on this earth for me. I have been unhappy all my life. I have PTSD from being molested as a child and have really never dealt with that either.... will stop now.
Thank you Mark for replying. I will try and get back to you a little later as my brain is in overload right now.....
Hey Susan I am sorry about everything you are going through...... I too can see how careless people can be nowadays with their children....but we can only advice them....I somehow feel you can be more depressed to just sit back and watch while this things are going on....maybe you can try to advice them.....if they don listen you can't do anything else....have you tried to maybe to talk to counsellor that might help....you can spend time with your neighbors maybe and just think about having fun.....most important maybe you try talking with God....he understand what you are going through and I am a 100% sure he wants to help....trust him....your are strong and kind.....so don let depression get the best of you...take care how you feel better
I am not sure your note was for me. I am not sure where the children come into play in my notes or my neighbors Im confused.
Ooo pls forgive me.....I got mixed up....I just wanted to tell you I hope that you feel better....and I mixed up children and babies....and mainly I want to tell you that you are strong....don't let the upsets of life being you down.....your happiness is your gift to you and no has the right to take it away.....so stay strong!!!!
Thank you Jemimah. Hoping your holidays are as special as you.