Hi from Western Australia, this is quite long winded, but I wanted to explain my situation as best I can. If you have any knowledge or have experience with depression and anxiety or relationship OCD affecting your relationship, please give me some insight on what you think, what you’ve been through/going through. I’m standing on my last legs. I'm a 24 year old girl, I've always suffered from anxiety of some sort and I was first prescribed Zoloft when I was 19, so I'm used to the signs of anxiety. Depression however, is all consuming and it's swallowing me whole. For the last 7 months I've been quietly suffering, but pushing to overcome the darkness myself, although I'm feeling disconnected to most people in my life, it's clinging to my boyfriend and our relationship the most - we've been together for just over two years, we met on a whim living in seperate states whilst I was in Perth on a girls trip and visiting my sister, I was living in Adelaide (South Australia) at the time, the night we met changed everything for me, I flew home and expressed to a girlfriend that I’d met my soul mate, and all the hurt I’d been through in my previous destructive relationship of 3 years was worth the pain of knowing how happy I could actually be, with the person I truly belonged with. For 10 months we travelled to and from each other, I flew to Perth 6 times before I decided that was where my heart belonged, and I made the move over, my sister, her partner and my baby nephew were all here as well, so it seemed meant to be for me, and I could hardly believe my luck, I had been waiting for this life, and my boyfriend for as long as I could remember. Fast forward nearly 12 months into living here, I fit in quickly, fell into our friendship group, started to go out, gained a full time job, we got an apartment, furnished it beautifully, live in a coastal town that mesmerises me daily, everything was perfect and my boyfriend and I, although the next step in our relationship was a big risk, it was the best decision I had ever made, we were perfect and the best of friends. 6 months into living together, one night particularly in June (2018) while I was cooking dinner, my boyfriend gently approached me to say he’d accepted a new job, an amazing opportunity, he would be working away 3 nights a week, which was bearable, however he had also accepted the course he needed to go with the job, which was the duration of 2 months, in another state. Against my better instinct, and the better person inside myself, I was HURT, and betrayed and I felt like the last priority to him, it broke my heart completely, after everything we’d been through to be together, and I didn’t even get to be a part of the decision. I begged him not to go, I begged him not to do it, and stay for me, but the only option was to stay and support him while he went, because he was going regardless. I adored this person, he had apologised profusely for hurting me so much, and he wished he could have gone back and have included me in the decision making, and for weeks after this huge defining moment our relationship returned back to normal, even better, closer than ever. Little did I know he had triggered abandonment issues inside me, that date back to the start of my life, I was born into a horrible, abusive break up between my parents and would live my life up until I was 11 in a horrific custody battle, between two people stuck on a power trip forgetting the well-being of their children. These issues were something I thought I had dealt with many years ago, so to feel these negative emotions has been confronting in itself for me. Around a month before my partner was set to leave for his 2 month course, I started to have waves of numbness, in which I questioned everything about my life, I had given up my family and friends in Adelaide, yet I still feel like I didn’t regret it at all, my life had progressed tenfold since moving and my partner and I had created a beautiful life together, in a place I adored, I WANTED to be happy, so badly. This is when the intrusive thoughts began, what if you don’t really love him? Can you feel love in your heart? Where would you go if you left? At this point I was able to shut them out because my moments of clarity and ‘normal’ I supposed outweighed the dark. I accepted the situation my boyfriend and I were in, and I was happy and proud for/of him, when he left for the course I was nervous about being alone for two months, but I was more-so motivated to get the 8 weeks over and done with, “8 weeks compared to the rest of our life” he would say. He left and I kept busy, I created a night time routine after work, I was going to the gym daily and spending time with my friends, and my partners family who I adore as well. But the dark and the angst grew daily, the intrusive thoughts began to take over, relentlessly from the second I woke up, to the second I went to sleep, “you’re better off alone, you’d be happier alone” I had no trouble sleeping because I had exhausted myself during the day with the permanent knot in my stomach and tightening in my chest. The weeks went fast with my partner away, which was good, because I was invested in the idea that everything would be fine once he was home. So I fought back hard, keeping a brave face. My partner thought we were going well for the time apart and that’s exactly how I wanted him to feel. On his last week away I had a trip back to Adelaide planned, for an old high school friends birthday and to catch up with friends and family for the first time in a year, this was going to be perfect for me, exactly what I needed, love from my biggest support system. It was the opposite, the anxiety followed me to SA, it stopped me from feeling connected to my closest friends and family, and then guilty about enjoying myself away from my partner and not thinking about him when I was, because of course, my mind would tell me, if I’m not thinking about him, I don’t love him. I was homesick for my home in Perth, and felt disconnected from my real home in Adelaide and my friends and family first and foremost. My partner returned home from his course while I still had a couple of days left in Adelaide, which made me want to come back to Perth early, I couldn’t wait to have his warmth and love back in our apartment. When I returned he picked me up from the airport and it was a euphoric feeling at first, it lasted a few weeks. The affection was back, the excitement of coming home to him. He had started to work his 3 nights away, which I didn’t love. But racing home on a Friday afternoon to have him home was nice. A few weeks later, in the most defeating, exhausting and terrifying way the knot in my stomach returned, the tightening in my chest, the intrusive thoughts worse than ever, you don’t love him, you’re not happy, you’re better off alone. Because all I felt was anxiety and sadness, I started to feel convinced these intrusive thoughts were true, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt happy, the last time I felt love and my mind would say, all because of what my partner did, all because he chose to leave me. It was worse then ever, some days I couldn’t eat, effecting everything I do, most days I would sit at my desk at work quietly with tears streaming down my face. I stopped reaching out to my friends and family, I felt too exhausted to talk to anyone, I felt I wasn’t worth the effort of friendships and family. Living in a nightmare, my absolute worse nightmare. How did this happen? It was edging closer to Christmas, usually my favourite time of the year, I decided to open up to my partner, I was losing the fight quickly, I sobbed to him that I’d never felt this bad before, that I felt like I needed to break up with him and that would fix me, that nothing felt right anymore, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I didn’t feel love anymore. Waiting for him to respond with upset, he replied and said, of course you’re happy with me, of course you love me. I feel loved with you. Which was strangely a huge relief to hear, although my emotions and my head was making me feel otherwise, I trusted his judgment more than my sick mind. I cried more and begged him not to let me leave him while I was sick, no matter what. My goal was to ‘not be sad for christmas’ at this point it was the end of November, and I decided to go to a therapist, expressing my life story to her, she seemed to instantly make sense of all of my emotions, and on paper it does make sense. But it doesn’t stop you from feeling what you do, especially when the negative is so aggressive. My partner had three weeks off over Christmas, which was the longest time we’d spent together since he left for his course in August, I should have been so happy...but the obsessive intrusive thoughts about breaking up, not feeling anything, especially love and happiness, increased tenfold, fuelling the flame that we needed to break up. Followed by suicidal ideation, if I don’t belong here, then I don’t want to belong anywhere, everybody would be better and life would be easier without me. I can’t deal with the hurt anymore. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I came home to him one night, after a day of fighting my demons and I just cried, inconsolably for hours, I couldn’t stop. He held me and loved me with no limits. I had some time off work with him which was nice, he is my best friend, my safety and my warm and I KNOW this, we laugh together and love hard, this continued over this time, but it just felt like my heart wouldn’t tap into any of the emotions I wanted to feel. Which of course led to another breakdown. They generally happen twice a week at the moment, last week I came home from work, my partners first week away at work, and I cried for 5 hours straight alone and talked about suicide again. I took the next day off work, and went to see my doctor, I had tried to go medication free up until now. She prescribed me with 25mg of Valdoxan, because I have found SSRI’s are too strong for me. This is my 9th day on Valdoxan, and whilst the physical stomach in knots and chest tightening has gone, and the intrusive thoughts have slowed down, I feel numb. I’m so out of sorts, when I feel this numb I miss the anxiety because at least that made me feel like I cared about it. Right now I feel like I could leave and never come back. I feel no connection to anyone, but it isn’t upsetting me. I feel like the real me, the girl from the start of this story has gone. She is angry and tired and wants the most amount of isolation possible. I feel like my love for my partner will never come back, and my only chance of happiness is to leave. I am now at a loss. We had so many positive plans for this year an overseas trip to the UK, and moving into a little beach shack together, we talked about getting a dog, he wants to support me in a new career venture. This was supposed to be a happy time for me and us. Last night I begged him to leave me, so I could stop doing this to him. As he is working away this week, he sent me a message before I went to sleep: ‘Goodnight my darling angel. You are so much stronger than you will ever know. You aren’t just fighting for yourself but also for me. You aren’t giving up on yourself and if you gave up on yourself you’d lose me too, so you really are fighting for the both of us. Your strength and resilience not to give in inspires me to keep fighting for you. We’re on the same team, and we will face, tackle and defeat any obstacle that tries to break you down and tear us apart. We survived thousands of kilometres away we will win and the darkness will lose. I love you so much, all the time, whole heartedly. Let’s keep kicking butt together, forever’ - he is the most supportive person, his heart is so good and he adores me, I wish I could feel how lucky I am, I want to marry him and have babies and keep building our life together so badly. My emotions are just saying the complete opposite. I want my life back. I want to feel love and happiness again. I’m so close to giving up everything.
Hi Flikstick
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts: Where to get help, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you’re going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient