Depression coming back?

Mental health
1

Hello

I'm new here and am hoping for some support/advice. Roughly 8 years ago I was diagnosed with mild clinical depression. It took me a while but I eventually managed to beat it and haven't needed to take AD's in 3 years.

However I've recently been starting to feel stressed and low again. My manager "B" is a nice person in her own right but I have always felt that she is very dismissive of me and I do not feel able to or safe seeking support from her.

In the past when I've tried to raise work issues affecting my work with B that I wish to discuss / resolve, she is very dismissive of me. By that I mean her tone, words and body language are all completely uninterested. So I've dealt with it by being nice to everyone but keeping my feelings, stress and frustrations to myself. After all there is no point asking for help that clearly isn't forthcoming.

This has started having an effect on my mental health though - in January this year I started having insomnia due to the stress leading to me being tired and irritable.

I was very concious of the effect this was having on me so I spoke to all members of my team and advised them that I was not sleeping, that I was a bit grumpy and struggling to concentrate. I told them it was nothing personal and hoped that they didn't take it that way. I also advised that I was seeking treatment for the insomnia. (My GP issued zopiclone for my sleep issue and a referral for CBT for the insomnia and stress. I wasn't wanting to go back on AD's immediately. I think CBT is better for me).

I have made a concerted effort to be polite at all times - although I know that I am no longer the happy chatty smiley giggly person that I used to be when I first started.

Nearly everyone was very understanding. B just told me I should try having kids. I realise she was making a joke but her tone of voice and body language made me feel quite dismissed again. That I feel un-supported anyway has probably also had an effect on this.

Given that I am still suffering with insomnia I've acknowledged to myself that I need to discuss my feelings with B however this is difficult as I have not had supervision / a dedicated chance to speak to her in over 6 months. So I must admit I have attempted to force the issue. On Monday - after 4 days of not sleeping at all due to stress - I called in sick with exhaustion for 1 day knowing that I would have to have a return to work interview.

On my sick day I also obtained another appointment with my GP to explain my feelings and he issued with me with a once a day AD which also helps with sleep issues when taken at night. He also gave me a one week course of 2mg of Diazepam to take 3 times a day for the anxiety I was feeling.

I had my return to work interview on Friday (yesterday). The first thing B said to me was that she hoped I was feeling better because she was so frustrated with me, the fact I was no longer chatty and smiley like I used to be, that my door was always closed, that my attempts to be polite were snappy and that she was planning to go to HR and have me transferred / dismissed if I didn't improve.

She also told me that despite the referral my own GP has made for me she is referring to our own staff health department for assessment.

I managed to remain calm during this conversation but afterwards I went to the bathroom and despite having had 6mg of Diazepam that day I suffered a massive panic attack. All i could keep thinking was:-

I've raised my concerns repeatedly and been dismissed.

I've not had supervision (recorded or unrecorded) in 6 months.

I've advised all staff off my insomnia and attempts to seek treatment.

"B" has not once in 6 months or since January / February when I made staff aware I was ill tried to ask about how things are going for me or provide me with any support.

The talk we had on Friday was only because I was off sick so how can she be contacting HR to get me moved - isn't she, as my manager, supposed to try and support me?

Is the referral she making to cover her own back so she can show HR she has tried to help me and then get rid?

I managed to calm myself down and pull myself together to get through the next couple of hours but on the drive home I was just in tears. I feel worthless and had a second panic attack when I got home.

I tried to contact my GP but it was out of hours by this time so I called 111. I was hoping to speak with or get an appointment with a doctor or a nurse or anyone who could maybe help me somehow.

The nurse on the other end of the phone told me she wasn't able to book an appointment yet (it was too early?) and gave me lifestyle advice on sleeping, tell me I shouldn't be driving while taking diazepam (my GP didn't mention that), and said she didn't know what a doctor could do. I've felt too intimidated and stupid to try ringing again.

I've not had another panic attack since getting home last night but I haven't slept just turning things over and over in my mind. I feel stupid. Worthless. Unwanted. Unsupported.

I've been trying my best at work. I've tried to communicate that I'm ill. I've tried to be polite and efficient but it's obviously not good enough. But no-one has told me. Nobody wants to know. They've just been talking behind my back and trying to get rid of me.

I feel like there is something wrong with me on a personal level. There must be. Otherwise why would this be happening to me? Why is my best never good enough?

I'm sorry I know I've written a lot. It most likely doesn't even make sense. I just don't know what to do. I can't think. I want to run away. I want to hide. I don't want it all to be my fault but I feel like it is. Just everything is my fault.

2

Personally I have never worked in an environment that was closely involved with moods and attitudes amongst coworkers.  It would be nice if our staff and supervisers really cared about what was going on around at home and in our minds but I have never found that to be the case.  At least in the states the general concensus is go to work, do your job, and leave your personal life at home to deal with when you are not at work.  I am not sure what to say to help you.  You seem like a very caring and attentative person but you may have to just learn to put on the happy front at work.  I have had sleep problems for years and take seroquil once nightly just to relax to fall asleep.  I hope you good luck in your work and personal life.  

3

I think it is the stress at work / lack of support from my manager in relation to work issues that is causing my anxiety and insomnia, rather than any personal issues. But you are right in that I do need to learn to put on a happy front. Or at least a more successful front.

I thank you for responding to my post though and for wishing me good luck.

4

Hi Katy - I can relate. Office politics are HELL at the best of times - when combined with mental health problems AND a completely unsupportive boss its torture.

Firstly - you sound quite isolated, like this is all on your plate with no help or sympathy - why not go to your GP and ask if they do any other type of counselling? Or even  a referral to the community mental health team who will have a lot of experience helping people balance mental health with work? And will know how best to manage depression, panic attacks, medications etc as well so you wont be going from GP to counsellor to CBT etc etc from pillar to post. Youd get a CPN (nurse) who could visit you at home if you liked, so itd be more confidential too maybe.

Second - it sounds like you are under incredible pressure at work, referral to HR, up against it - when none of this is your fault! Ask you HR dept for a copy of their Policy on Mental Health issues, and tell them you are enquiring about this confidentially. You may actually find that HR will be on your side in dealing with your boss. If your company hires an HR professional, ,many of them have to do courses on mental health, and the law is on your side too. (My sister is an HR manager - I asked her what she would be doing in a similar case to what you mention - she said, she would be trying to get your Boss to understand she wont get anywhere bullying and pressurising you - thats the quickest way to lose a valuable member of staff. She'd probaly tell you to go to your doctor, get a sick note for say 6 weeks so you can get a good rest, go to Doctor/therapist etc, and to give you and your boss breathing space)

Finally - if HR arent any help, if your boss and colleagues dont improve their attitude - you may need to consider looking for a new job. I know that sounds scary - but I learned the hard way (I have severe bipolar) - you cant MAKE people understand, you cant just keep banging your head gainst a brik wall. All that will give you is brain damage! What is more important - your job, or your HEALTH!?!

Cos it is your health, jsut the same as if it was heart disease, diabetes, or a bad back. If your job makes your health worse - then you have to put yourself first. Either have a complete rethink about the type of job you do, or start looking for another employer if you love your vocation, but cant carry on at that office. You'll look back and say - why on earth did I keep on making myself ill in that awful place with those awful people!!!! 

Just a guess - did your parents expect you to be always very good, very cheerful, never complain, do well at sschool, be nice to everyone, fit in, etc etc? Your emphasis on not complaining, being cheerful etc etc sounds like chronic people-pleasing - to which girls are so much more vulnerable. Its stressful, denying your own feelings all the time. You shouldnt have to pretend all the time. Theres quite a lot of good books etc out there that can help you understand why you suffer depression and panic attacks - if you like I can recommend a few?

Just message me anytime if I can help. All the best x

5

Hello. Thank you for reading and responding to my post. You've made some very helpful points / advice and given me a lot to think about it.

 I do feel quite isolated - I just don't feel like support is accessible. Everyone (manager, parents and friends) is just expecting /demanding I be happy all the time and if I try to talk about my feelings I feel like I'm boring or annoying them so I just don't feel like that support is there. I think if the C.B.T. doesn't work or happen fairly soon then I will consider a CPN. 

In terms of speaking to HR I have to be honest the thought terrifies me. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my job. Our policies are on the company website though so I will take a look on there for relevant information. I'm also planning to compile details of everything that I feel has occurred and to take this to my staff health appt when that comes through. 

I have also decided to start looking for new jobs although it is pretty thin on the job market around here so I am going to have to grit my teeth for a while. If you have any recommendations for books on why I suffer with depression than I would very much like to read up on that. 

6

I do really empathise. 

For your HR interviews - knowledge is power. Try getting advice from:

www.acas.org.uk

www.i-resign.com

www.mind.org.uk

www.lawontheweb.co.uk

www.whatrights.co.uk

All or any of these will give you either info online or have email advice lines where you can get an experts opinion on employment law, your rights, and support to help you face it more confidently.

If you are in a trade union or a professional organisation, they will usually offer advocacy or a represetative to accompany you to meetins with HR or your boss so you have somone on your side.

Bless your heart its hard enough dealing with depression and panic attacks let alone all this hassle at work. And to have al that without support from anyone - i know just how that feels. You feel so alone and powerless/ its very very scary and you can get quite desperate.

So I would deffo get back to your GP - if only to let them know just how bad things are right now. A meds review would be a good idea - I wonder how useful diazepam are if you're quite depressed. Theyre pretty strong drugs and of no use for depression - they may even make it worse. I think you would be much better off on a calming type of anti-depressant, with a low dose of diazepam purely for panic attacks. Your GP can onlyh help you if you let them know whats going on right now. (And if your GP is unhelpful, you need to look at changing GP. Your mental health is too important not to have the right medical help.)

I would order a copy of 'Affluenza' by Dr.Oliver James. He's a psychologist with an interest in how so many people are becoming depressed. Its a study of all the factors that contribute - many of them social issues, ie, you are not alone because our culture is making depression more an more likely! (pressure, competition for jobs, money and possessions, etc). Think you will find it very interesting. He has done another book called They F@#k You Up, which is about how different stuff in your childhood can have an effect on your adult life - but its not about blaming parents, its about the scientific data and facts, so that you can analyse where you're at, so you can tackle the issues yourself rather than blundering in the dark with feelings you cant explain! I found both books absolutely life-changing - life-saving, in fact. Both in paperback on Amazon. Theres also another good book called Psychobabble by Dr Stephen Briers, which is about all the nonsense 'pop psychology' out there which distracts people from the really serious problem of true depressive etc illnesses, and scientifically analysing what treatments do work, and which really dont. Good way to avoid wasting time effort and disappointment on stuff that isnt going to help!

Best of luck Katy - Whatever happens, though things often feel like the end of the world, somtimes things have a habit of turning out for the best.I know jobs are hard to come by these days - but maybe you could explore starting your own freelance or business, taking a sideways step in career type, or going back to retrain or do the next level of professional development. One door closes, another one usually DOES open. Take care x

 

7

Hi Katy...boy are you in the right place😊.. I like you suffer chronic unrelenting insomnia...I came within 3 days of beating the world record low..I've been going through this for a year now averaging 8 hours of sleep a week with a history of no sleep for a week straight all the time..and I rarely get tired...however the long term effects of sleep deprivation can be devastating. Not only are you trying to function as an employee and person in your own right but you're trying to do it with sleep deprivation..very few people get it including doctors. Hell I even completed a sleep study and the doctor couldn't help me. She referred me back to my spin doctor.. Together we devised a plan whereby I would stay out of my room except to sleep..no TV in bed ( I'm bad though I cheat) but just keep busy. Last night I got 4  hours straight!! Woohoo! Never happens.. Katy you can't change people...something I've learned the hard way..I've researched every article on sleep deprivation I could find. Don't know if you are a drinker if so please be advised that is the absolute worst thing you could do so.....also a lot of anxiety meds are depressives as well.. Please be advised that extreme sleep deprivation can lead to phsychotic breaks like hallucinations..memory loss tooth pain diabetes stroke high blood pressure etc.. I suffer hallucinations which are as real as my hand in front of me as well as the tooth pain and the elevated HBP. OH its NOT I repeat NOT "your fault".. I found out the hard way people are very unsympathetic to this particular plight because  they don't get it!! your boss needs a wakeup call..she has a moral obligation to her employees. I've walked put of jobs on two separate occasions because my bosses were unsupportive.Head her off at the pass.I currently take no sleep meds believe it or not.. My fear of addiction to bezos far outweighs my desire for sleep..I've already been down that rd and it was THE worst thing I've ever been through. Also you may not know this but you are acquiring what is known as a "sleep debt" a debt that can never be repaid. I will continue to check your status if I can be of any assistance let me know..hope this helps...(sleepless in Tennessee) Jude🎼🎼

8

Hi Judith, I'm averaging about the same - 8/9 hours per week. I find that I am tired during the day though. Across lunchtime I could happily fall asleep but come bed time it just doesn't happen and now I'm in that cycle of being anxious about it. 

I've moved all electronics out of the room and put up a black out blind and cut out caffeine and alcohol but  it's just not fixed my sleep issue so far. I'm hoping these AD that my gp gave me to help me sleep starters to work soon. 

You are so right that people aren't always understanding of insomnia or the effect it can have on your mental health. Honestly I never imagined it could go on this long or make me feel so anxious and that it could cause me to feel that black cloud of depression coming back.

9

Katy.. I suffer bipolar depression which most people don't know should not be treated with antidepressants but rather mood stabilizers.. The sleep thing..well I'm just so used to it at this point..I don't even think much about it anymore..I worry that you may start suffering from some psychosis.. ie; hallucinations..I have and its from not sleeping.I've become immune to them at this point..One thing I've learned is to be proactive about your own health..I've had 2 doctors release me from their practice..oh well I'm not going to blindly trust some one I don't know ..a stranger with my very well being without telling them what i know about me.Im fortunate to have very good medical insurance ( no Obama care thank you) so I've been able to change drs if I need to... Question everything..research everything! You also might want to try ASMR tapes also known as water whisperers..the videos are all over you tube. They are virtual videos massages sounds virtual hair brushing etc. They are very relaxing..or if you can find someone who does Reike that is a wonderful method of relaxing.. As relaxed as you can get Reikw will bring you to an even deeper state.. Hope you get the help you need.. I've found short of meds there's just not a lot out there for us and the side effects of meds far out way the benefits.. Keep MW posted..I'm "up"...all night! Jude🎼

10

Too right - sleep absoolutely CRUCIAL. I have bipolar 1 and have to do this thing called 'Sleep Hygiene' which sounds like some kind of underwear thing but is actually all these rules etc about managing my sleep - because if i dont, I have a manic episode, full stop. Because my depressions become psychosis at their lowest point, I have to balance lithium and depakote for mania/bipolar with big-gun antidepressants during a low _ thats how I know how lifesaving anti depressants can be.

BE VERY CAREFUL about any advice telling you that antidepressants are dangerous/easy way/unnecessary/overprescribed etc etc etc. Basically, theyre safe, and actually SAVE lives (serious mental illnesses have mortality rates! if people get too desperate they end their lives.)

 It is purest HELL not to be able to sleep during a depression  - thats why I think you really need to keep going back to your GP (or change your GP) until you get the meds right. You cannot carry on like this....

You deserve to be well, and to be able to sleep. Im afraid I have to agree with Judith - Diazepam is absolutely the worst thing for you to be taking right now: especially if you are taking lots at once. You can get withdrawals from them that are not only like hellacious panic attacks but are physically dangerous. Id say if your GP has you on them on repeat sript, perhaps changing GP is the best thing.

You need to be well enough to sort this thing at work and you are clearly DEPRESSED, not merely anxious. Diazepam are prob making it worse - give yourself the best chance at work by getting medical help asap.

Best of luck x

11

Isn't it frustrating..this sleep thing?.. I've gotten12.4 hours since a wekk ago last Thursday...I am working very closely with my doctors and therepists and have recently returned to taking melatonin again...it helps a bit now...it was pretty useless during the first 7 months of my klonopin withdrawal.... I'm glad the antidepressants are working for you..I by no means am giving advice just sharing what has or has not worked for me..Each of us is different and need different treatment. I also take depakote..highest dose with ability as the dep by itself was not doing quite what we wanted it to...I've been on almost every mood stabilizer/antidepressant made. I find the regiment I'm on works quite well.. Research is proving long term use of antidepressants are not the solution for most people like me whose bipolar symptoms tend to run high manic due to the sleep deprivation.. I was prescribed antid's in hospital..high doses that did not work out. The dr. I see now put me on the mood stabilizers because I was getting lows to frequently... I am much more productive in a manic state though I tend to drive people crazy because I never shut up..lol..I agree Katy sounds very depressed.. I have had 3 months of mania that ended on a Saturday during which I was so productive.. I cleaned every nook and cranny in my 15 room house landscaped my property.. Bounced out of bed at 3.am for the day..then on Sunday I woke up so horribly depressed I prayed the sun wouldn't come up... I now know  the depressive state went hand in hand with the klonopin withdrawal...I was prescribed that drug for 16 years and I don't expect to be relieved from its grip overnitete. Its been almost 1 year since I've stopped taking it and its still in my system...People who know the dangers of sleep deprivation and the evil of benzo withdrawal need to keep posting as too many people think they are the answer to their anxiety.. I'm trying to get to a place where holistic medication is going to work...thanks for sharing. Jude🎼