Does anybody else ever feel absolutely hollow the majority of the time, physically no emotion towards anything no excitement and no sadness just nothing - with the occassional bout of anger towards...this illness, themselves, the "system"?
I went to my GP yesterday and got a "you're an adult, make your own choices" general response towards life and help. I feel as though I'm getting no real support from anywhere and I don't care enough about my own life to fight for help.
In 100 years we'll all be dead, none of the decisions I make will matter or have ever mattered. I have tried, I've made changes, I've done what I was supposed to do with no results. I'm an impatient person it seems, and I'm about done with trying.
I'm not really looking for any particular responses here, I'm purely venting and contemplating.
At the end of the day, we just have to accept that not everyone can fight this illness and that's just life.
sounds like u have a harsh gp, and in need of supportive help,
The GP was originally very nice, think they have lost any interest. Shock horror.
Oh well, that's life.
maybe ur GP at presant not feeling to well, u cud always try for a second opinion off a diff doctor,
Ugh, First I would try to find a new GP. That "tough love" may work for some, but it surely doesnt work for me!
And yes. I can completely relate to what you are saying. The "vaccuum" feeling is actually the worst part of being depressed (IMO). The emptiness, the lack of care for my own life and almost getting angry at people who tell me to "get through this because they need me". Well go find someone else then!!!! For crying out loud! Why DO I HAVE to be the one they need?! Why do I have to stay around just for THEM to feel better and not alone?!
I know .... it's harsh. But those are the thoughts that go through my head sometimes.
And then I get angry at this effing depression that is ruining my career. I am 38 yrs old and my manager has no idea how to handle this situation with me being at med appointments and now off again for 4 weeks.
I am certain that it's only a matter of months until the company will try to get me out. And I cant blame them. Unproductive, costly, unreliable....
And yes, I feel I am 5 steps away from giving up to even try to find "the right medication", "the thing that works for me". I've been depressed for 8 years now (on and off) but the last episode has been a full year! Since September 2014. And still no remission.
At the end of the day people around me may have to accept that there is not a cure for everyone. That there is just not remission for everyone. Just like there is not a cure for every cancer patient. Or a donor heart or liver for every patient who needs one.
It's life. And it's death. And both are part of each other.
Yes! I Just feel numb! So much so that I've actually left my family behind!
I like spending time with my partner and our daughter, I feel safe when there it's just when I over think things that I panic and want to run! She has been great and has always supported me even when I'm being an a ss and talking to other people shes right there trying her best to understand and she does support me but i feel quilty putting her through this. I've told her I don't want us anymore and she is still right there when ever I need her and I think that's screwing with me as I like being with her and we do fit but after leaving and telling her I don't want a relationship how can I keep coming back?
It's a common feeling Fee. I always describe as numb....or the "void" unless your GP is depressed, no on knows (apart from us that are going through it) how you feel....like Mermaid said....tough love will not work and that attitude can't help....find another GP or slap him with a kipper until he listens to you....x x we're here to talk too hun
hi your not on your own. Just because your an "adult" and yes you can make your own choices is a pathetic answer from a gp. If your leg was broken that would be ok. I was given a post-it with a telephone number to ring, didn't ring because I felt worse for seeing g.p even more worthless and angry. I am through it now but someone close to me is feeling the same as you the same words really but he wont see a g.p Hope you can get some help from the people on here hope it helps you dont give up
Oh gosh yes! The thing with the number! LOL
They keep asking me "Have you called the XYZ Centre? They are really good!" And my answer is always - "yes I called three times. They were busy and had a recording on, to call again"...
) Not necessarily the idea of a CRISIS hotline....
Honestly medical staff can only know and do so much. They often have no idea because they havent been in our shoes. They need very very clear and concrete pointers. But then again one has to be careful not to make them feel "directed" because "I have studied 15 years and you think you know better than I do?!?"....
Yeah. Dude. I actually do. But hey....
If anything tough love has a more negative effect for me too, it usually encourages me to give up more than anything.
I can relate to what you have said there so much! I have a friend saying, "please talk to me more, let me come and stay with you, I need you, you make me feel better" I don't want to make you feel better! I want to make me feel better and I can't even do that! I have always made a tremendous amount of effort making others feel better but I physically do not have it in me to do that anymore and that "empty" feeling inside renders it difficult if not impossible to care that my actions may be considered 'selfish'.
It sounds as though you are in a very similar mindset to myself to be honest, life and death are synonymous, there is not one without the other.
I personally think people have become too obsessed with living as long as they possibly can. I'm happy to leave it at a point where I feel I have given all that I have to give, whether that age is 30 or 90 doesn't matter to me, personally.
I'm sorry to hear that, though I can empathise - I seem to have left almost (if not) everyone behind.
Your family obviously care and no matter what, it sounds like they will always love you enough to be there, that's definitely something you should hold onto and treasure. Some people are patient, understanding and genuinely care - you are very lucky to have this. I hope their persistence pays off and you can work through this with them, good luck!
This GP is usually pretty good to be honest, our last session I felt as though some progress was made but this session, I was not asked any basic questions...blood pressure done, ok you can go. No, 'are you ok?' just minimal contact and a short conversation about how I should be doing more to help myself, but if I don't, apparently, that's fine - because adults make their own decisions. We do of course, but that doesn't mean we are always in the frame of mind to make the right ones.
Exactly Tracy, I may be an adult but I will hold my hands up and say I know I am not making the best decisions, that isn't due to my age but is more to do with this illness. Yes, it is hard to go to counselling, it's hard because I can't leave my bed. I can't leave my bed because I can't face the world. I can't face the world because I am depressed.
But, I guess none of that matters!
Thank's fee, these past few months I have come to know that I am lucky to have her in my corner but I constantly seem to e pushing my luck both now and when together, I feel nothing about what I do one way or the other and this sometimes makes me think well if I can do this do i really want a relationship? and that's why i left in the first place as i was texting someone else and she found out and i didn't care. It was just talking but she didn't believe or see it that way! i still talk to others which is why I joined here hoping that writing things down to unknown people who don't want anything from me will kinda help!
But when we are togther and I'm not thinking things over it feels right!!
I know we're off topic now Fee, sorry...when I was diagnosed I thought nah....she gave me pills and said come back in 6 months.....I did and saw a different quack (Sorry docs) I told him they weren't working and he asked how long was on these to which I replied 6 months.....he just got up and walked out.....next thing I heard was shouting.....he came back....said take these come back in 2 weeks! Sometimes I feel for the GP.....she no longer works there now.....not helpful
Ooo i know that one! The first time i went and ended up on tablets i got 6 months worth. Went back to see the doctor but ended up getting another prescribtion from the staff at the desk so another 6 months worth . a whole year without seeing the doctor which i now know is my wn fault but i was in denial about having depression so thought ahh got out of that one!! Anyway ot was the other half that pushed me to go back and see the actually doctor after that as i was in anothe r "low period" so she made the appoitment and came with me (sat in reception). The doctor was a little flabber gasted that i had seen anyone since being put on them but clearly they weren't working so he put me on a higher dose and since then I have been more aware of yes this is happening I do need help and I'm not alone feeling these things!
It's been 3 months since I left and she has always been there for me and I still feel nothing about anything but I know I want her in my life so I'm taking one day at a time and hopefully she will still be there.
That's disgraceful SD. When put on any ad's the doctor should tell you to go back after a few weeks to check how you are, or at least tell you to make an appointment. They shouldn't be dishing out these pills as if they are smarties.
As for your wife, have you thought of showing her this post and the replies? Sometimes it is easier to show than to tell. x
Lol erm not sure how that would go down to be honest??
When we are in a good place at some point in the future I may tll her I'm on here but for now she doesn"t know about it so I won"t show her!!
Ok no worries it was just an idea. I just thought it is often easier to write how you are feeling rather than say it and she might be able to understand better if she saw what you had written on here. Take care.. x