Hello I'm a girl 25 years old. My name is Claire (and of course it's not my real name). I've been living with depression for years and I couldn't speak to anyone about this until today. I just completed my medical school 2 years ago and been working for 1 and 8 months as physician. I used to be the best student since elementary to high school but I was not in medschool. It was very hard for me to survive in this field. Dealing with the fact that I couldn't do better in my study made me feel depressed. I finished my medschool on time with average grade. But I found it's more difficult to make this career work for me. I couldn't do my job well. I just got criticized today by my senior about my mistakes at work. What I feared the most was not able to work well and even made others at disadvantage bcs of me. and that's what I really felt right now. I didn't have confidence to continue my work. I was afraid at making mistakes and I didn't have anyone to tell this about. My father, and my brother had depression and I'm afraid to let them know that I was in the same situation with them. My mom often told me about their problem (my dads)'s and brother's), how their problems affect their mood and their daily life. And I didn't want to disappoint my mom too by telling her the truth. I ever met psychiatrist once for some consultation and it didn't help. I tried to have antidepressant but I decided to stop. I don't know if there are some people out there that can help me.
Hi there caireturnipp,
I too am in the health care field and did very well for many years till depression and anxiety came to a crashing halt that I was put on a medical leave from work. I think back now and it was probably a good idea incase I ever did make a really big mistake. I have been battling depression since 2009. At first I was able to get it under control with antidepressants but it didn't make my life anymore a walk in the park. I had went back to work and struggled and struggled to just even make it to work. I called in sick so much that they put you on a step program and I'm not happy to say that I did have so many sick calls but I just couldn't get out of bed. This carried in to 2015 and there was just no way around me getting out of the deep dark hole I was in. I see a psychiatrist regularly and again had to take a medical and I'm also still off at this time. I think you need to be honest with yourself and to your mom. She went through it with your brother and dad unless she of course spoken in a bad way about their depression that I can see why you wouldn't want to add another "burden" to her life and I understand that but if your mother is very open and genuine then she may be more supportive. In my opinion and it is just mine of course. I do think you need to take a medical leave before anything with the doctors where u work put in formal complaints etc and then you be stripped of your license. Putting all your blood, sweat in tears into a career you sure don't want the carpet to be pulled underneath you and then the question will be "where do I go from here now". I'm in Ontario so I'm not sure where you are from and I am a unionized employee and have been able to get Long term disability. But that does not mean that I have to stay in that for life. If and when my psychiatrist is fully sure that he thinks I'm ready to return then as a unionized employee I still hold my position I was in before I went off work. I think you also need to have an ongoing psychiatrist. Not just like you have with 1 then didn't stay on track with your medication. I wouldn't get a psychiatrist in the same hospital you work in of course but u need follow ups every 4-6 weeks. That's my regimen for YEARS now. You can't just see one once and be told to take this medication then not be followed up. I'm not sure why that happened to you. Also, I know some people are not pro medication and that's totally everyone's call. For me it's taken me many years in countless medication and I have been so proactive on my medication within the last year that he has tried me on meds that I had read so much about and with the mood stabilizer I had suggested I actually feel that my mood has lifted and I can have some really good days that I haven't for years. But I had to be proactive and of course being in the health care field I research meds like crazy. I would also suggest support groups as well if u can handle a group setting or if u prefer being alone 1:1 then set up with a counselor. In Ontario we have CAMHA (Canadian Mental Health). They are able to give you info on groups and I would imagine be able to guide you in the direction if a counselor. I have counselling access through my work place so I didn't have to go through all the chains to find one as it's part of things my work place offers. And the good part is...even though it's through my work, nothing is disclosed to the employers or upper management they just keep track on your visits cause they say they will cover just so many but if you have a good counselor and u do really feel like u need more than the 8-10 sessions offered. If u have a good counselor they will request more visits and state whatever they need to state so you are able to have more counselling sessions if you are really struggling and need their ongoing support. My counselling program through work is called EAP (Employee assistance program) another good thing to is...that on your first visit or even more than 1 visit and you just dont feel that you and the councellor dont click or are just not someone you feel you cam be open with or for any reason at all you can ask at reception to assign a new councillor for your next session. Don't worry that the councellor you first seen is gonna judge you cause some people just don't click. I've changed mine more than once cause I wasn't getting anything productive in the sessions so it was a waste of my time. So my suggestion is a possible medical leave, contacting Canadian Mental Health (if in Canada). Have your family doctor send a req to get you a psychiatrist as well so u can be followed and monitored and as I say...im pro medication only because myself I'm not sure what might of happened if I didn't. I had a rough struggle on meds cause my psychiatrist had deemed me (med resistant) but when I took a proactive approach to a combination that I wanted to try I got him on board with me and I said " what the heck, we have tried all the different combos that he thought of so let's take the ones I want to try a go". He was hesitant but I was persistent and this mood stabilizer to me feels like day and night. I have my laugh back, I'm going out of my house more than I have in years. I can be at the grocery store in line and my anxiety and panic is very minimal now where before there was no way i could do crowd's AT ALL. Then as for your mom. As i say if she is genuine and comes from a place of love and understanding then I see no reason to open up to her. As long as you know and feel she a loving and understanding person that will not judge you, put you down or put you in her category of your brother and your dad struggling with depression. When you feel the time is right then tell her. She may be on your side of the court and help you through this battle. Do not be ashamed for struggles with depression. Do u know how many people that you may see and on the outside they look like they have it all together but inside they are a terrible mess. You can't live in silence. With me i would have it all together in front of people but with laughing with them on the outside but I was crying on the inside. Not good let me tell ya. I know I wrote a book for ya. You have also come to a good place on this forum here cause I have taken alot of good info from people on here. There is tons of support on here as well. So keep up on here. Some stories may resignate with you and you can take their info that they can offer you on where to go where you live etc. I love this forum and I hope in future to hear a really good story on your journey of recovery. I wish you all the best.....REMEBER as it was a lesson learned for me after sooo many years be PROACTIVE in your own care. Research meds and reviews and combos of medications etc. I read a crazy amount about medication and review severel sources from all different sites. I never stop now doing my own research. I should have done it years ago and not just followed along like a guinne pig all the time. I became a bit wiser with age lol. I do honestly wish you the best of luck and I would be delighted to hear back that you have things in place and seeing a psychiatrist regularly and just how your journey is going. Sometimes though it gets worse before it gets better. So DON'T give up hope. You will go through bumps and hurdles on the way and that's just part of the journey that alot of us have faced. Just carry on over those bumps in the road. ...they happen....god bless
Don't worry about taking medication it helps some people need it just have a life l know l suffered with it most my adult life things is they take about 6 to 8 weeks get in your system
Hi Claire - your post is a representation of the fear sufferers of mental health disorders face when dealing with the illness and desperately trying to hide it from others. We can thank the stigma humans have developed around a complex and often invisible condition. Your situation is doubly precarious due to your chosen profession (congratulations on completing med school - a hard job for anyone) and the fear hierarchies have of lawsuits in such delicate professions. Also, it has recently been revealed here in Australia the terrible pressure there is on those training and graduating into a stressful environment. overwork and stress have led to a number of suicides.
I'm surprised you have only given the psychiatrist only one session and that you expected immediate results. Understanding and treating depression takes time, and the counsellor will not be giving you answers. you will have yo seek them - it's about understanding self. I'm also surprised that you have not seen your doc and discussed what is happening, where meds can be prescribed to help balance your mood. The fact you have a genetic proponent to your depression and are exhibiting signs of it is a red flag. You should open up to your Mum - she has first hand experience with your father and brother. Her support (and understanding) will be invaluable. Take the same advice you give your patients - "Don't suffer, get help. That's what we're here for."