I am 41 male. Ex decided she wanted a divorce 14 months ago, separated for about 9 months now, divorce process is moving along. I feel much better, compared to last year and first half of this year. Was seriously depressed and hopeless. Got my sh%t together about half a year ago. Started eating very healthy and exercising. Dropped A LOT of weight and slowly, but surely came back to feeling more or less balanced. We have no kids, but we have a dog who is basically our child. She comes weekly to walk him. She is a decent person and would not hurt intentionally (besides leaving the family and betraying everything she said when we exchanged vows). But I am having a hard time believing into something hopeful for myself. I am a lot stronger that I give myself credit for. I don't let depression or anything else get in the way of progress. But I can't seem to let her go. I still care for her. I probably still love her deeply, but just can't feel anything because I am hurt. How do I stay optimistic? I am enough for myself and I am not desperate to be with someone because I am lonely. I want to be with someone because I want to share my life with someone. I really don't have anyone. A few good friends, ignorant parents and siblings, great job, but totally and utterly alone. I am a social person and while I value my private time, I love spending time with people and as I've gotten older, I feel like I want to share this time with that one special person. And time is flying and I am only getting older. Plus I live in LA and women here are a little different. I am a good looking guy, but that's not enough these days. It's all very, very depressing, and sad. How can I cope? How do I find the light at the end of the tunnel? I feel as if though I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. The very thought scares me. Not because I am afraid to be alone, I am actually quite happy. It's just that the thought of not being able to share my life, experiences, passions, etc., with someone is just too much. Plus, no sex and all that. Just so defeated right now =(
Hi imnml - sorry to read you are suffering. Reading your post, i would suggest you are still in shock and traversing the grieving process. You yearn for what was because you can’t see the future. The process of divorce is blatant and final. It’s hard to let go. But wait a minute - you have stated you are better that you were since the shock of her decision. Not only that, you have lost a whole heap of weight, made positive changes to your diet, are on a whole new path. Did you do that for you or to try and win her back?
I would suggest the best thing to do here is to let her go. Follow through with everything and then wait. She may reconsider, but it’s not likely. Enjoy the space you have, keep up with the self improvement. Another thing - we can be overly critical of where we are in life, living up to everyone else’s expectation, some suggested decree that unless we have this and that and the other, we are somehow failures. So not true. Searching for love can also make us settle for less. It’ll come along when the time is right and, no doubt, when you least expect it.
you should be very proud of yourself as you are doing amazingly well for being separated for a short period of time. many others would have gone to s#*t! well done you. I separated from my partner of 16 years when I was 43 and thought eternal singledom was what lay ahead. I felt incredibly lonely. most of my friends were in relationships and had families. I didn’t enjoy my own company and loved being amongst people. I decided to be brave and join a few groups I order to get out of the house. I joined a group called Meet Up which has lots of little.groups including cinema, clubbing, walking, coffee group, gigs etc. if there was a gig on in town that I wanted to go to, then I posted and anyone else interested could come to. don’t know of they have anything like that where you are, I am in the UK. I also volunteered at a charity. I was a jury member on a trial involving child sex abuse and wanted to help people affected, but anything to do with children would have been too difficult to handle and so I volunteered at a centre one night a week at a men’s sex abuse charity. they did music groups, etc. not for everyone I know, but if you were interested in sports, etc, am sure an extra hand would be welcome. I also had a try at online dating. and after a while met my current partner of 2 years. and he is amazing. don’t tar all the local ladies with the same brush. there are lots of different women out there. You just need to look in different places. so don’t give up. I thought there wasn’t a chance in he’ll of anyone being at all interested in me. at least you have looks on your side … I didn’t haha x