This is going to be very difficult for me to explain as i do not fully understand it myself. I have been sad for about 5 years now and i am 19. Mostly this sadness was off and on until recently. A few months ago the sadness has just really taken ahold. I am almost constantly filled with emptiness and i feel dead through most of my days. I often awake and feel horrible the second i become concious. I become so filled with anger very easily even at mild inconviences even when i am aware it is unreasonable to be so mad. I'd explain how i feel as absolutely unsure and confused about everything. Not so literal but deep inside me i am just completely confused about everything.
I feel very different from other people. I am not sure if i have made a real connection with anybody in a long time. I do have friends but i am not close with them and i feel completely alone. Infact all of my real thoughts have been somewhat trapped in my head the past 5 years. I often feel like i am literally driving myself insane. I can't quite explain it but i just am not sure if my head works the same as others. Another thing is i see people and they seem to be filled with so much more than me. They seem to have so much life, so much personality, they seem to have some understanding i dont have and it makes me feel so unhuman. I believe i have social anxiety or i am actually positive as i stress on talking to anybody i do not already know. I get so overwhelmingly nervous when talking to people and have the most unsettleing feeling in my stomache. I know it is unreasonable and i tell myself i dont care about what people think but its like subconciously i care so much and cannot help the feeling from coming over me. This is even worse when talking to girls as i stress i will look dumb, uninteresting, and when it comes down to it i plain dont know what to say frequently.
I've come to have a complete hatred for myself. I feel absolutely worthless and like i am literally less than everyone else. I feel so alone and haven't had a girlfriend since 6th grade(so technically never) I really worry i will never meet a girl i could connect with and this kind of makes me feel hopeless. To me finding love sounds like just about the only beautiful and happy thing that could happen to me. I dont much want a great career or alot of money(atleast as of now) i just really wish i had someone who understood me. I just hate myself for were ive gotten myself, all alone and absent of human affection. I am aware its my fault for not being comfortable with myself but its like i cant help myself. I cant reassure myself because i feel so confused about everything.
It seems some nights i will feel i have a better grasp of my thoughts and start to feel a little more confident in who i am but then other nights it seems i lose all those thoughts and am left with nothing and just am completely unsure about who i am. I don't know if this has played a roll in it but i have taking a liking to psychedelic substances. At first they would give me some understanding and a feeling of calmness. But recently they have only left me more confused and my mind completely scrambled. I do not do this to that much of an extent and actually am stopping due to them giving me more anxiety. Other things is my dad has bipolar disorder which i do not think i have from what ive read but i have no clue because i cant seem to be positive about anything.
As ridiculous as this is going to sound it almost feels as if i have a block in my head. Like something that is stopping me from furthing my understanding of myself or any of the questions i have. It probably sounds ridiculous and i may be searching for answers i havent fully developed or have the capability of answering. I just wish i could feel comfortable and at ease with myself. I am so scared of being alone forever.
I think of suicide everyday at almost every inconvienice or disapointment. I day dream of dying most of my days like getting into a car accident while im driving or even illogical scenerios like just being shot in the head but some gunman. I do not think i would actually kill myself(as of now) because i do have a grandma that cares about me and we are pretty much all we have but sadly i still feel completely alone. But the thought of one day killing myself is becoming more realistic every day.
I would really like to know if anyone understand this or feels this way. I feel i have not written it to completely explain whats wrong with me because i cannot understand or explain it correctly but this is pretty much how i feel. I feel somewhat crazy, detached, unsure, and constantly filled with anxiety. I do not know what to do and i am beggining to feel i will just feel this way and be alone until i kill myself because i honestly dont think i can live a full life feeling how i do now.