Hi Haley! All I can do is tell you my story, and I pray you can find some bits and pieces to help you...
As a child my son had constant sore throats and ear infections, so finally when he was about 3 1/2, he had his tonsils and adenoids taken out and rubes put in his ears. Even though it is not major surgery, it was still hard to do. But I thank God for it because it set us up for the Chiari surgery.
My son was diagnosed with Chiari because had terrible allergies. He would sneeze or cough and then arch his neck back and cry in pain. What would get to me was not the look of pain in his eyes, but the look of absolute fear. Six months after the tonsillectomy, we were heading in for Chiari surgery. He was 2 months shy of his 4th birthday. His father and I were allowed to walk with him to the OR door. His father was carrying him, but would not keep a positive happy face, so I took DJ from him. (Your child will feed off of you. If you believe all will be ok, then he will believe it too. I know it will be hard, and this may sound harsh, as we don't even know each other, but plain and simple, suck it up, and be postitive, until he is no longer with you. You will have a few hours to cry all you want away from him.) They had me place him down on a stretcher in the hallway, as we waiting for them to finish doing something in the room. They I said to him something that I believe set everything on the right path foe healing. I don't know where it came from but I said,'DJ, your head hurts bad alot huh?', he shook his head and said yeah. I said ,'We'll the doctor is gonna fix it. Remember after the doctor fixed your throught? After he fixed it, it hurt the worst ever?' 'Yeah', he said. 'BUT after THAT pain was gone, it never hurt again?' ...'yeah'....'Well, the Dr is gonna fix your headaches, and after he does, just like your throat, it's gonna hurt the WORST ever! But just remember, when THAT pain goes away, it will never hurt again, ok?' 'Ok'.
When surgery was over and I was called into recovery, he had a netting over his whole head, down over his full neck, with the face cut out. (Realize that is just because there is no easy way to bandage the back of the neck, they can't just take around his neck and his throat....lol) He heard me, could not move his neck and just looked at me with his eyes, I could see fear and pain. I said 'hey, baby, does it hurt bad?' He whimpered 'yes'...I said, remember what mommy said, it was gonna hurt REALLY bad, but when THIS pain goes away, it will never hurt again....ok?' 'Ok'....and that was the last he complained about the pain...
Here is my thing, and only you know if this is best for your child...I personally don't believe in lying to your child....they been to know that you will always tell them the truth, even if the truth isn't fun....I could not lie to him and say, This won't hurt at all. Or it won't hurt when u wake up. He would never trust me in the future. And we have an awesome relationship now. Always have. I don't know how much pain he is in and I don't know, since he has other things going on, how much pain or problems he will have long term. That is something you should find out specifically from your doctor. Guage from knowing your child, how much you should tell him, but try not to outright lie to him...the truth is the truth whether you tell him before or he finds out later by experience, but if his experience does not line up with what you told him, your integrity will be in question for a long time...I am no expert, and I only have the one child, so take it for what it's worth.
As far as 'how did I handle it or how did I stay strong?' Well, for one I have my faith in God. And I got to a place where I said 'this is what it is'. There are things I can do about it and there are parts that are out of my hands. I did my part in that I searched out till I found the surgeon and the procedure I was satisfied with. And then I left the rest of it in the hands of the Surgeon and God. Stressing over something that I can do nothing about has only a negative impact on the whole situation. Worrying, or stressing, or 'losing it' in no way helps the surgeon or my son, and I committed myself to doing whatever it took to give my son the best possible outcome. Staying positive would help my son heal faster because he would feed off my positivity.
And that's what happened. He was supposed to go home in 5 days from the hospital, and he went home in 4. He went back to daycare 2 weeks before originally planned.
Being positive may not heal your son, but being negative can definitely slow his healing process....forgive me again for being stern, but here is what I did. When I got in a bad place, I would remind myself that this wasn't about me, and to not make it all about me. It was about my son, and I would ask myself what would help him, and then do that...
I wish you well on the surgery. You have between now and January to decide how to handle things, ask the doctor what he will experience after surgery. And tell your son as much as you feel he can handle, while staying positive....after all, there is something wrong now and the doctor is going in to fix it...maybe ask the doctor what will be one or two of the positive changes he will most likely experience soon after surgery (less pain, more mobility, etc) and focus on that with him, but of coure explain it won't be as soon as he wakes up....so he understands...
There might be some children's books about going through surgery...find one you agree with. And read it to him...a few times...and you can refer to it when he is recovering....'Hey, remember?'...
I hope some of this helps....my heart and my prayers go out to you and your son...
Doreen
Any other questions....please write back...