Does this sound like someone with bipolar?

Mental health
1

I first became different from everyone when I was at primary school. I was about 7 or 8 and really needed to use the toilet in assembly and thought that the teachers wouldn’t let me go and very nearly had an accident. Ever since then I’ve had this phobia that I might have an accident in public and have always avoided situations without toilets and nearly always had panic attacks in those situations. That has cause a lot of bother in my life and has really restricted what I’ve been able to do in life too – no car journeys, holidays, even walking down a street with no toilet along it. I saw a therapist at 18 but he was an amateur and kept messing up and I got annoyed and stopped going.

I failed my A-Levels because I lost motivation and when I did eventually get into university I failed the first year because of a bit of a breakdown and then failed the second year for basically the same reason. I go through a phase of having no motivation at all and a real empty sort of depression where I feel unmotivated, unworthy and I have no interest in anything or anybody and become quite reclusive. My attendance was bad at Uni. mainly because I had a phobia of being in a lecture and needing the toilet and not being able to go and once I missed one I missed the whole lot and sunk right down.

It was my first year of Uni. that I became a bit obsessed with a girl. She wasn’t interested in me but I couldn’t take no for an answer and all I could think about was this girl. It went on for a month or two and became quite annoying for some people, mainly her. When I wasn’t depressed about it I thought it was humorous and used to make jokes about it and didn’t take the thing seriously at all. One day I had a sort of revelation and decided to turn my life around and made my sleeping patterns return to normal, stopped drinking so much, became more sociable, completely ignored the girl (I never did forget her) and was able to exist without her again. I took a great interest in my guitar and went to the gym. I got a girlfriend and was happy for a bit.

I changed course and re-started the first year of Uni. again but soon became unmotivated, lost interest in the course, and went back into myself again. I still kept up a social life and still managed to hand in some very good piece of work, regularly achieving firsts and other good grades but it was a real struggle. I still played guitar but didn’t practice much at all. I did get a band together with the aim of singing (I’d never sung publicly in my life) and playing guitar (I couldn’t play that well). That idea failed due to no real genuinity in it.

I then worked for a boat company on the River Thames and life was great again. The social life was great and I was good at my job and seriously considered a career in that profession but was sacked after 6 months or so due to “laziness”. I’m very laid-back and mostly don’t talk to anyone I don’t think I have reason to. I got a name for being lazy and went along with it as a joke but it backfired. It was also this time that I discovered I failed my second year of university and the two combined sent me into the darkest depression of my life so far. The only thing keeping me going was a beautiful girlfriend who eventually had enough of a depressed and unmotivated boyfriend and left me too, compounding my depression.

I then got a job in an office and for 4 years was just a shadow. I took no interest girls other than thinking about nice ones as I masturbated as much as 5 times a day. I swung from not being remotely interested in my friends to meeting them and being the most conversive and entertaining person they’d ever met (in my eyes anyway), the life and soul as they say. 4 months ago I quit that job with no job to go to with enough savings to live for 4 months independently but nothing more. In those 4 months I haven’t even applied for one job. I haven’t even looked for a job. Now I have to move back in with my family. I don’t feel like I can do any job that exists out there but at the same time feel that I can do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it.

As I said before, I am quite laid-back, patient and good natured but I can experience these real big angry mood swings when things don’t go my way which has got me into trouble in the past. I’m rude to people and sometimes destroy things. For example I was having trouble a few days ago with the photocopier in the library that time and time again was jamming and taking more of my money and just walked out with credit in the machine and the job half-done as I came so close to smashing the thing up and verbally attacking the library assistant. Rudeness and dismissiveness really angers me too. Sometimes, mainly when I was young and in my teens, I have been violent to people then felt really bad about it after.

Another thing I do is suddenly become as if I have had a revelation and try to change my life around in one fell swoop, as they say. I make lists, try to give structure to my life, leave life-affirming quotes and messages for myself, write pages and pages of things to do and learn and really dive head-first into my hobbies like I’m going to become the greatest in the world at that thing (guitar, songwriting, speaking French or Dutch, becoming a genius, creating art, philosophy, learning etc) and do really well in these things until I lose interest, start to question it all (not suicidal, I’d never do that), and go back to staying in bed all day, not washing, not brushing my teeth, smoking weed, smoking tobacco, not wanting anything to do with my friends, being annoyed by their ways and attitudes and stupidity, masturbating and looking at porn.

When I’m on what I think is an up phase I think I’m great. I think I’m handsome and am better than everyone else and have more of a right to things than other people. I get caught up in a hobby and amaze myself at the dedication I give it and construct a great plan to become the best the world has ever seen at that hobby. I’m constantly looking out for things that might help me get to that level including spending money on books and things like that. I don’t go on massive shopping sprees that cost a fortune but always go to charity shops and buy 4 or 5 books that I think will get me to that level but never read them. I’ve got hundreds of books I’ll never read, even if I did have time. I’ve never had any money so that sort of spending spree is quite bad even though it might amount to only £10 or something similar. That moment has passed. I’m rarely interested in something when the moment’s passed. Quite often I get depressed from failing at one of my grand plans.

One of the worst things I do is try to reach such a high that it will eclipse that previous record. I got to the stage where I was smoking weed, drinking alcohol, sniffing poppers and masturbating over internet porn to get that high and was all I did night after night for weeks.

I’ve never got on well with alcohol. If I’m depressed it makes me more depressed and if I’m feeling good it makes me feel very good and I used to ring people in the middle of the night looking for conversation, until my list of friends diminished. The next day even if I’m not hung-over I feel rotten. I feel really guilty and cringe-worthy even if I haven’t done anything to be guilty or cringe-worthy about. I feel let down by my behaviour in a way. It’s a feeling I find hard to express. When I smoked that just made me feel lethargic, down, drained and sh*t. No-one I’ve spoke to will admit to feeling like that with smoking.

I’ve never felt inclined to commit suicide (I’ve thought about it rationally and rejected it as a viable solution) and my depression manifests itself more in amotivation than anything else. Having no motivation is the story of my life. I think because when I’m feeling good I no what’s its like to really feel alive and see how much opportunity there is in life. I’ve always been quite level-headed and intelligent so have rarely done anything foolish or burnt my bridges. I haven’t really spoken to a doctor about any of this and have only just really started reading into bipolar disorder. I don’t like doctors and see them as self-interested amateurs and my experience of them seems to back this up. I’ve used anti-depressants in the past for my anxiety but only for a week or two as they interfered to much with my all-important sex-life by making me unable to orgasm.

Socially I’ve never really been able to keep up. No sooner to I meet people and get a good crowd of friends but I start rejecting them and either looking elsewhere for more stimulating interaction or sink into myself. Being up and down shares similarities with each other for me. When I’m down I don’t want to interact with people and when I’m up I can’t be bothered with them. They don’t do enough for me. When I’m down I masturbate a lot. When I’m up I masturbate a lot. When I’m up and down I’m very insular and mainly exist within.

I’m always being told I’m extremely intelligent and I agree. They tell me I should be doing more than I do and I’m holding myself back but that makes me feel bad because I know that but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried and failed many times. I can’t hold educational course down and really abhor authority. I’m not shy and I’m not outgoing. I seem to be both depending on how I feel that day. I’ve never really understood how you can be one and not the other all your life.

Another thing is I’m really into ideas (History of Ideas and Philosophy was my Uni. course) and once I get started on a subject I know about (quite a few) I can talk for hours but most of the time I think people aren’t worth wasting my time on so I seem rude and arrogant. I seem to have a head-full of ideas, solutions and explanations that I need to do something with them.

I started myself on St John’s Wort a few weeks ago and the same day I started I started feeling much better and quite high and determined. Since then I’ve been studying song-writing, sight-reading and playing guitar like its going out of fashion and have been a lot more sociable and positive. All I want to do is succeed and create something to be proud of. My appetite has basically vanished or at least is well bellow the point when I’m down and eat too much and put on weight.

So hopefully you’ve made it through all that. Its long but I’ve had some beers, I’m feeling good and its 3 in the morning and I want to get it all down while I feel like I can. The basic question is – does this sound like someone who has bipolar disorder or someone with long-term depression or what? Or am I looking too much into it after having read about bipolar disorder? Maybe I’ve subconsciously made it sound more like its bipolar than it is. Also has anyone else experienced similar things to what I’ve just written about? If you want to reply to this message please feel free to do so or email me at gig88888 hotmail com

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I dont know, I think I might be bipolar from what I am reading also. It sounds to me like you are, but I am no profesional. I swing from being, usually feeling like I am a complete failure, to feeling euphoric and I can just about so anything I want, Then when I realise that i am thinking a little too far in advanced I have to calm me down and try and reason with myself on what is possible and what is not.

At the moment, I am struggling to hold a shop job . I have 2 wonderful;l children, I get obsessed with people and things. I have no sex drive (whatsoever) I think it dirty and Hav no idea how I actually managed to conceive my children. I get anxious about going to the toilet also , I did have accidents in primary where I did pee myself :oops: :oops: :oops: and then got bullied and anxious even more, and then bacame a reclose. I was not popular in schol until I attended 1st yr at high scholl, But by then I was completely manic, Id do anything to be popular would put on a frot of being HAPPPEEE HAPPPPEEE HAPPPPEEE , all the time, I had eye surgery when I was 11, just before starting high school (thank go) and oncel I looked better, shallow people made friends with me. But id get so hyper I use to do things for attention like put my hair over my face and put my glasses on top to make people laugh .

If you ask me, it is an obvious illness, When my mother was called into nursery because I was acting liek a recluse. and the only friend I had syuffered dowens. Ive always been really very sensitive and have a habit of taking things the wrong way and also have a habit of being missunderstood.

After we moved house, after my mum and dad split. I changed scholls and was petrified,. I went in myself and found it very difficult to open up to people. I wore pink shoes , pink dms ,aand got called pink feet. By that time I stopped wearing my gglassses because I was petrified of the bullies and the cliches.

At hoem , mum was always too busy, I struggled with my standard grades, I was either exceptionally good, or incredibly bad. I did very avaerage in the end, but just to get the average rating did not take much, (Ie) I had given up on the educatio n system could not care less if I passed or failed regardless of the facts that mum was a school teacher. She would put so much pressure on me I would do anything not to be around her or speak to her. I failed (well i did not do very good in the old english ) and my mum being my mu m rang the school and forced me to do my higher I got no attention form anyone, and all my focus was placed on getting my highers , I was not doing too well with these all though a lot better than I had with my standard grades.

I woul d try and win peoples apporval, I would want to be peoples friend so badly, I used to buy presents just so they would be my friend, Or go out my way to be especially kind just so they would be my friend.

On the sex front, I had to be taught by a friend how to sbog someone. And low and behold got caught kissing a boy by my dad best friend.

Id get so cmpletely pissed as I felyt so alone and upset. I even ended up in hospital hypothermic and really ill. Also could not eat and would throw my dinner in the bucketr or would binge on chocolate and try and escape by dancing round my room to loud music and pretending I was pretty and clever and that I did not need to sttudy.

Okay, now Ive lost the point, wot was I blabbibg on about, Am I bipolar?

I also loose my temper at simple things I have terrible organisation skills, and often loose my clothes and then get really obsessed with where I have left it/them and then start the paranoia thing, like there is a conspiracy and everyone is up against me (like in my work).

Sorry Gig, Ive lost the plot. Lost my temper with PUK earlier as well, and loosing my temper easily, yet when I can be kind and loving thats all I want to do. When I find something interesting, I have to know it all Its al

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Oh no, not another social scientist gone mad. Sorry Gig, but everything you have said , that tthing you do when you are up and when you are down I guess is like my drinking. I used to hate alcohol reaally hate it, When I went out socialising when I was younger, well I wasnt eating very well, so if I went out (teens) I would colapsse the folowing day and have to crawl the floors with my hangovers, then when I ]became a student, (Politics and psychs) were my subjects, though dropped politics in 3rd year. (Too much structure to it :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ) alcohol baceame a real relief for me. I d often escape to the student union where I had my own perch for a pint. Like a budgie. Id either get firsts or not get recognised on the academic scale, hence I messed up my degree as I answered a question ( a trivck ) question I should have known better not to have tackled it.........so messed it all up.

I also know what (wot) you mean about doctors. I think I am lucky ( I have a good doctor) but some of them really annoy me. Really some do more harm than good by not doing there job properly. God think how well I could have done had anyone bothered to recognise my problems in school. Grrr! Well its too late now. It all seems to come back to me , everytime my children have an anxious episode I ////myself,,,,coz i dont want them going thro any of what I had to or feeling the anxiety. Its crap looking back on your childhood knowing, you could have of enjoyed it more had I not been so bloody anxious.

That takes me to another important point, I get really determined about things. If someone says I cant do something.....I am like yews I frigging can....two fingers up to them and Ill show you you meannnoooo..........what do you have that I dont.....and what s so special about them anyway? Theyve just learnt that from blah blah.....or did their parents take an interest and do their howework for them???? And find , like my mums ocd rantings really really annoying, but maybe shes not ocd , maybe I am just not hygienic enough. I dont know. Actually Gig I dont know....Ive lost the plot!

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Thats another thing. My mum used to ask my older sister if i were intoxicated (when i was on a high) as I would say the most erratic thing. I still do this, and often its at work (whoops!!!) I never was, I d just be on one of my hypers. At that time as it was known then manic depression was not read into or studied much. I am just thinking how happy i am today (with no good reason) and of all these things, It all makes sense to me now, It is probably the main reasons for my drinking as I drank before horrible things happened nevermind after the events.

Gig, you should google bipolar , there is a video explaining the different types, Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 11.......there are probably more than these types that have not yet been proven and are still being identified. there are probably a lot more people out there that are totally clueless to the condition. It would be an easy mistake for any health professional to get the diagnosis wrong. There is another condition Unipolar depression which ( Im not sure ) I think is generally when one is said to be low and in a dpressive state and has little ups and are just down 99 percent of the time. There must be a way of managing it without drugs, It a) probably depends on how others have taught you to cope (ie) your upbringing and B) what other extremities you have had to deal with. I think, but I am not sure , that drug misuse also leads a person to these states. I think it is quite coommon for a bipolar person ( of the anxcious nature to smoke weed or drink alcohol) also if the patinet is laid back and pinned down by the mundane drugs to give them a buzz to make it seem brighter (are all common attributes). self harm and eating disorder also accompany the manic moods. I dunno about you, but everyone has mood swings, but this is like being locked in a confined closet and then jiggilo at a boogie night club with a big cheesie grin on face, I can do anything to I cant do anything whatsoever. God i better get of this site...I am jibbering.

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Hi Gig,

I think you may have a bipolar condition. I aint no doc, but your life seems to run on a bit of a rollercoaster and in my experience life can end up completely screwed if you cant level that off a little. The bipolar condition can run in families, maybe their is a relative in the past who was a bit up and down like you?

Question is, if you do want to level that off what's the best way ahead...

My advice is go talk to a doc, you dont have to like them, just go get their opinion. A GP will only be able to help you so far, so you may have to ask to se a specialist who may or may or may no give you an explanation/ diagnosis.

I screwed up A leves, college, much as you did, i see paralells in what i have been through with what you write. I got a diagnosis, treatment and got my life together to a large extent. It took the docs about 4 years to arrive at the diagnosis, that was 4 years too long. Its hard work trying to keep up with the others when you can put even a sentence together somedays. Especially when you know you are a poet.

From what i have read, many who dont get the diagnosis self medicate, their life gets increasing screwed by the highs and lows and the cycle leaves things in a complete mess. The beer/canabis/ poppers may be that \"self medication\". Do they make you better or worse...??

I have a diagnosis, i have effective treatment and for long periods of time i have no big problems. I dont like many of the docs either, but i did find someone with insight and knowledge the right pills, and i got myself on the level.

If you do get some reins on the way you feel, then there may be a great future for you, if you dont you could lose everything. I wish you good luck and advise you to go talk with a doc. If you're smart enough to recognise the symptoms then you have a good chance to manage them also. Tell a doc what you think and ask them what your options are.

Check out the work of the US Neurologist Dr Amen. You'll find some insight and wisdom there which may help you alot. Best of luck to you!

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well, iam not Gig, but I will take your advice on board, thanks! Doo you have trouble sleeping, and then e=when it catches up withyou, you just cant get out of bed? I dont know, I do . I have real troubles that way. i am fed up withthis! \emotions are killing me!

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Actually, essentially iam toolate. I know for facts I am bi polar, I dont need my doc to diagnose me, That would be pointless. I mean I have stared out my bedroom window wondering why, I am differetn, we areall different, When i used to visit my dad, i used to get so upset and still do , so I avoid it, I avoid going anywhere, and franklty would rather not work. Not because I cant be hassledm but because, i cant be bothered being upset, not now, not anymore! I vant go home, all the memories flash before me, and I wonder what happened!!!

I know this all sounds mental, I know that Iw as very preiscous when my grandad died, but I was also alone in a compklete mess, and stillmiss him, and know I have nore to deal eiththanjust this\! Okay so now ive been honest, I now need feedback, I am not felinerately ugly!

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I wonder wot felineately means? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

OMG - lost the plot!!!!! Okay I am back, as I am having a terrible day, but taking a breather as hes gone to work.

Just like to point out that there is also unipolar mania- and if this is the case there must be loads of people undiagnosed :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :roll: I just wish I could stop with the crying. Calmining down now hes gone. I have 2 points to make. A) When my mum and dasplit , it was with good reason. B) Lots of people, In fact probably 95% go throught this stuff, dont end up in this state. God I want something to calm me down before I completly loose it and end up in the infirmary. Wine ant do it, in fact, it bloody well makes me worse. My typoos are a mess!!!!!!!

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Hi all

Thanks for your replies. I think what I'll do is print off that post I did and take it to my new doctor (as I move to another area next week) and see what he says about it. Or maybe I'll alter it a bit so it looks like I do trust doctors a little bit.

Tiny Tears I think you should definitely do something about how you feel. Whatever it is it seems to be causing you quite a lot of destress. If you want to email me, my email address is in my last post as it might be good to have a two way dialogue.

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Hi Gig, thank you for your kind remarks. Good luck at the doctors. I definately think you should print what you wrote out. Its funny , most of what you have written rings bells in my head. Esepcially when you find \"Authority\" abhorent, ME TOO, I cant handle people telling me what to do. If someone was to tell me whant not to do (it might suit better) but its the same thing - isnt it???!!! Everyday is an emotional one, I am either UP or down. When I am UP(its great , life is great, I can feel good for aww (abou 2- 3 days) and when I dont feel so upbeat, I slide right back under, un able to explain why I was up, unable to explain why I am crying now.

My dad always said it\"You cry too much\"

Or contol yourself - youll wet yourself with laughter. And now, the only rescue remdy, oh something too make me feel better + wine. (my drug missuse). Packet of lax (more drug missuse) a really low self esteem, completely disorganised and god dam cheeky , with a irrational temper. Why shout about a piece of paper being on the carpet?

Bloody disorganised. cant prioritise. need to be told what to do, but hate it. Your degree also is an example (I think) as you self taught yourself your interests - and you managed to find the correct ways to solve the problem . I just jibber mumbo jumbo- dont i?

When I am down, I am ??????, I can barely cope, and often want to rip my hair out of my head. Cant stand the way I loojk and get reallly frustrated and agitated with things and others. Its like I want everything to be perfect, If I fail, then I fail really bady, or if I manage to get it the way I want it then I am euphoric ,happy and everything is possible. Ican do anything i want, coz I am me. Ans so on......god I ramble

JUST TO SAY.- good luck

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Everytime i read that post I just think snap. I get called \"lazy \"also and people get frustrated with me, as sometimes they have to explian things over and over until I understand. Its not that I am lazy, I want to do this and that , Its just sometimes I cant see, or foolow through what a person is saying/doing. Everything Gig has said makes sense to me, Then they get frustrated with me and I get frustrated with them and so on. I get so upset about it sometimes I want to hide away , everyone can just leave me alone. Accept the facts that I am crap at everything I do or attempt to do, and then be judged by the luckier sod who has been bleesed by the facts life is easier for them can see things clearly had it drummed into them that they are clever intelligent and lovely and that things are easy. or who have been told of other ways of how to. Ive managed to cope until now, I manage to hide it all , until now. (or maybe I am just having some form of nervous breakdown, - i know myself better and know its more deep rooted).

TRight now I am even getting frustrated that I cant quite manage to explain me. WEven just the fact that Ive been signed on PUK for god knows how long spells it out to me. I also tend to build great admiration for people that later I find I cant stand and then wonder why on earth I had put them on a pedistool.

On a feel good moment , when I feel good about myself I have lots of desires like painting until my hearts content, or writing poems (not that I am very good at that , as you see the example on PUK) Playing my flute, and how come I think myself so god dam stupid when I can read music. Thast the other thing , how come I come across a sbeing such an iidiot? Or if I take my tiem to listen , it comes across as beeing slow? and why am I so anxious to be liked.......its like the glasses over the hair thing.....all or nothing....the want to make others happy by being the centre of attention the host of the party. Or the mousy quiet skiiny shadow stuck in the corner with the bottle of wine crying endlessly crying and no one wanting to talk , never wanting to talk as its a never ending sad song; an epitmoe of everyone elses sadness, thats built and recreated itself onto one individual.........a apin that cuts so deep you cant eat , you cant sleep and its so very neverending. The way hey , here I go again. this roller coaster is mammoth, its highs and lows meet mountain ranges to deep deep below the grave. How did I get side trackked onto this???? I am not going to say any of this to my docotr or cpn. The fact that my mother and father were told that I was dyspraxic at the age of 4, and the fact that docotors spent most my childhhood looking for something as I was so prem, that I am going to keep me quiet. What s the point anyway? Ive dealt with it this long....mind you that s if you can call dealing with it a bottle of wine a bad temper an ianability to move on and get stuck every now wnand then in this trap, then my guess is that sgfine . It will only chop a few years off my prem death date. At the moment I couldnt care less about that (isnt that terrible , especially as I hav 2 lovely children ) Thats terrible.

What has happened to paragraphs??????/And my english really bugs me.My point sorry I got side tracked in my own world and decided to type it, my point is (the keys on this computer have faded and its not my dyslexia or bad eyesight taking over) no its the fact that I type so much thats why I have such bad typoos. God is anyone ever going to read this . I lll find that amusing, Ah yes, and Its like if I am good aI am very good, if I a m bad I am extremly naughty. Like mum doh doot ,,,I am 23 and preggers.....but (lol) Its okay, I know who the father is. Or Dont come near me, Ill chop it off!!!!!!!!!! humph!!!!!! God I would so like to ....oh see is that psycjhosis....what is psychosis anyway? Must look that one up cant remeber it. You dont

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Hey Tiny T,

I get the feelin you're all tied in more knots than you know what to do with. There is a real danger with this crazy old mind of ours it ends up feeding on itself. I know all too well.

I read your posts..(yikes!), and i do know some of what you must feel. Getting it out of your head is a good thing, so if it helps you, get it out of your head here. For some reason it helps me to write this stuff so hope thats ok with ya

The Dr Amen book i keep banging on about ( see amazon)is about the best thing i've read in a while. He scanned the brains of folks who complained has a variety of symptoms and was able to identify over and underactive parts of people's brains. (not as sci-fi as it sounds) He then was able to treat patients acording to his experience of where people seemed to be differet from the norm from their symptoms and the physical evidence that their brain was working in a different way.

Its real hard to get an clear answers to why we feel as we do, and when your head is all a jumble then it can be hard to make sense of very much at all pr escape from the craziness. From the stuff you write it would seem that you are not getting the help you deserve, you sound like you're really on the edge and thats no good for anyone. You deserve better. Enough already, you dont have to endure this pain, its not fair on you.

My guess is you aint lazy, stupid or a failure. You're just suffering from a having a brain wot aint really helping you keep things together. I would be quite confident that with more help and the right meds you could get a lot more peace of mind. If the help you're currently getting aint helping you then ask yourself is there anthing you can change to give you a better chance? What can you change, what can the doc/CPN change?

Sounds from what you post you are \"rapid cycling\", up a day or two down for few more. What meds are you on for that apart from that wine?

You take care ok, its rubbish you have to feel this way, with all this stuff chasing you. I do know where you are coming from and i hope that you find a way out of the place where you are at. No need to hide here

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I just hope the International comissioners dont get a hole of this info! Dont you?

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I guess it does work, writing it down must work! ( When you think about it, if we learn quicker by writing it down , and absorb more, then we must recover by writing it down and lettin git all out). Would that make sense?

Went to bed at midnight, went straight to sleep and woke at 230 am. my children sleep more than me, in fact I reckon a 2 day living old ant sleeps more than me. I get annoyed, coz , it will get to 730 ish am and I will want to sleep like a baby, but want be allowed to as that is getting up time. i get so jealous, when I hear him snore, I wish I could sleep properly, but then think I have trained me to stay up as this is a great quiet time, no one to disturb me, or wind me up. In fact its so quiet maybe I just enjoy this time of day. (I wonder what kind of job I could do to enjoy a peaceful night shif, come home take the kids to school and then get up at 230pm)..

Right now, I dont feel harassed, down tired, i dont want a drink , I dont feel hysterical, I feel better as there is no noise. The front door is locked ther are no drunks outside screamng there heads of, hes snoring and I may add so is my 5 year old( she use to snore in the pram). This is the thing. ill have this insomnia for a while, Then (I reckon iit all catches up on yoou) and you need to sleep and sleep in blocks. i only ever seem to need to sleep like this wat ? Once a yer or so, But when I do I sleep for scotland. I sleep and sleep and sleep , and everything takes over, like I have to relax, my body just does it, so I relax and sleep and no one can get through to me, just as no one can get through to me now. I also get really relaxed during these times and sleep. Like anyone could bang down the dorr, anyone could do anything, (id be okay, in fact probably extremly good, as I would be sleeping) No highs no lows.Just sound asleep. ( hmm, maybe I am in fantasy land, maybe I just want to be there right now).

God I ramble. There must be somewhere, somehow , some [place to direct this kinetic energy. I have so much drive and energy right now, that I dont know what to do with. I dont have th epatience to read a book at the moment. When I do read a book ( I reckon ) I never read them properly as I read too fast.

I thought I was like this due to my student lifestyle. It was much better to deal with as a student. everyone would do the night shift and sleep during the day, exchange note, talk fast read books quickly. fall out with their boyfriend, shout and scream and get depressed about it all. Much easier to cope with . Most students would have a fad diet to and it would be difficult totell the difference between ( well lets not go there). Right I could stay on here and jibber all night, Its a bit like having my own secret diary, 9but then thanks to puke I do) I dont mean that as a laughing matter either, It helps me to know that one day someone els will come here and think god yes, I am like that and that I ma not alone. It helpsme ot meet others who have similar experiences and by doing so, take a deep breathe in ( maybe put a full stop somewhere along the lines) and it will be okay ( well, one day). Okay, I am still ranting on and on. My washing machine does a cycle awful quickly now, I cant keep up. What is tha Rapid cycling???? I thought I was just dysthmic? or whatever that is....and what does cycloth...(thats too difficult for someone like me to spell) but what does that mean? I must google more. Okay, i guess I should go and have a lie down, or tomorrow I will struggle , trip over things, drop things , make lots of midstakes, hysterically laugh at myself, almost wet myself and nearly get the scak ( but hey that me folks) Every day an adventure.

It is quite good to come back here and re read some of what Ive written , A lot of the time | think waht a load of...... and then other times I think ,,,Hmm I can hit the nail on the head, And whether puk think tt bad that I am typing here ( no offence ) I

15

I've just been up all night too. I'm wide awake at the moment and think I'll probably go right through until tonight when everyone else will be going to bed. Having said that I'll probably slump at some point between now and then and will feel like Atlas himself, carrying the world on his shoulders.

I was reading some more into bipolar and one of the things I read was that hypomania often arrives with creative genius and some test show that people that are bipolar have 30% more neurons in their brains or something. Its good to know we are in great company. Its good to know that when we feel we can do anything and take on the world, it isn't actually an illusion. Its just a case of harnessing that power we have inside, a power so strong it could bring about our destruction, like an atomic bomb.

If I could manage to stay up (hypomanic if you like) for perhaps 75% of the time I'd be satisfied with my lot in life. All my problems stem from the depressive side of it. If I could find a way to minimise that aspect but still retain the creative, determined and positive aspects that'd be great. Is it possible to permenantly be in the hypomanic state I wonder? Has anyone succeded in that?

16

Hypomania- happeee!!!! :lol: Yeah - no sleep. Just curious- but what can a doctor or cpn offer someone who feels like me? Maybe I am just depressed and its the \"coming out \" of the state that causes the hypomania. But for some unknown reason I have these moments. I am truly hsppy and everything is extremly funny and entertaining. I know Ive managed to control these moods as I have gotten older. Though as the world is changing and people seem to be growing up a lot faster than before. My moods seem more and more obvious. Oh - gosh yeah (the wieght of the world on your shoulders) thats how I feel today.

But more upbeat than usual. Cant remeber- but when did it all go pear shaped? Not hypo though- too tired today.

I dont know anti-depressants made me feel sick. Made me feel out of control. The only thing ( I think ) that could help would be the reassurance that I could sleep, so maybe Ill ditch the wine (etc) and go back on the NN. But then (if I have another night like last night, I might have to drink bottles of the stuff. Nothing seemsto knock me out.

That will have to be my next research- check out (what can be done) Ive not looked into that yet (What kind of problem solver is that?). I just cant handle this lack of sleep - My sleeping patterns have been erratic all of I dont know how many years.

17

JB ... i guess its James Bond or Joe Bloggs, i dont know for sure

I keep this stuff to myself, try to hide the way i really am with most, so i need the 007 identity i guess.

Gig, I apologise for grabbing the thread. Ms Tears, i guess i must be careful not to try to try and be the expert, i know much of what i have to manage, and have done the research, but you may have more to deal with and there are different ways to sort differect problems. There is always more than one reason why you feel the way you do.

Without doubt it does help if you can get the chaos in your head out someplace else. Writing stuff down is useful, it helps you put it in some shape, it helps you work some stuff out i feel. Dont do any harm neither i feel, just so long as you dont put too much detail 'out there' for others to feed off, who may not have the good intentions you'd wish for.

The other thing that seems to work is getting my day, life into a routine. easier for some than others. The sleep you have seems to be all over the place and your whole system is dependant on a good sleep wake cycle. Many with mood problems, dont/ cant get the right sleep. They sleep too much, too little and thats as bad as the wrong meds. The Alcohol also affects the type of sleep you get so you knock yourself out and dont get the type of sleep you need to recover from the way u feeling. Plenty of ways to feed the choas, but there a re a few ways to calm the stuff down too, if you look for them.

I fully appreciate this stuff is real tough for people to deal with, i know how difficult it is on this rollercoaster we didnt pay a ticket for. However,

for sure, you can get off it, and with help you can get on the level. Its hard work most of the time, but take 5 and have a good day if you can.

Many will not get the peace of mind others take for granted, but trust me its worth working for. If the help you get at the moment is not helping you, ask what you can change to help yourself. You are not on your own even if some days it feels you are. Take care

18

Do you think I am bipolar? Is it worth mentioning it to my cpn? Would she believe me, or will she just ignore me and carry on protesting that I am noraml, orr will it help to be more open? Do you think Iam bi=polar?

My head is killing me- such a bad headache , thought I was going to throw at work. Then and OMG - ive made just a little mistake and my boss was not happy with me. But recovereed. this is the thing, when she was telling me wat I had done it was( well like I was at priamry school,, like I had murdered someone and I just felt like crying buckets. But then , thinking...sod that for a laugh dont do it. blinking back the tears and thinking , how come mother of 2 cant cope in a shop job. Thats depressing|!!!!!

Anyway, walking home and could not help but laugh ( yes, laugh hysterically all the way home, all the way home....thinking jesus I take life far too seriously.) I must have had a side track thought the last time I was there and started to throw things in boxes (Whoops!!!) This is the thing, though regardless of my sore head, and the fact I had little over 2 hours sleep last night I am still wide awake. But this situation just makes me think OMg - will I ever be able to hold down a job?

Then I came home, binged for Scotland. thinking that would knock me out. Nope it did not, and now I am sitting here typing jibberish on my computer. I duont know, i know for sure its more than just alcohol and I know for sure I dont know where to trun. Then there is the stigma, can I really be bothered to get the correct diagnosis, if thats what it is, and then once I get recognition, will have the fight left to battle through it. Am I too old to be thinking this way? Is it too late? Will I ever be able to change? Anyway, popping out for some Night Nurse, I am sick of feeling that I make mistakes due to alcohol, or that I cant cope due to my intake. Ill just use NN until I am ready to sleep properly. I am sick of this . Its a mess. if I dont get it sorted Ill end up dead , young and my children need me. What am I going to do? i am so frustrated by the system - even if I were to try and get my point acrooss ( which In my view and with my disorganisation a pretty impossibility) I would not know if I would be making myself clear , being understood, or waffling a pile of waffle that no one really cares about. What if its not bipolar ? What if its schizophrenia? Can the bipolar state turn into this? OG Ive had ebough thinking about it. Really maybe I should just stick to my guns and stay with the Yup I am an alcoholic, and Ill be fine once I am off the booze.

If I do that Ill never get of the stuff - coz I hurt and cant cope withit.Not one little bit, Or I can ditch the hurt and be completely hyper and lack any kind of empathy. Live in cloud cuckoo land to escape. I dont understand . Right , okay after another waffle I will go google that Dr Amen.

What meds do you take? And how did you get round all theses issues?

19

Okay , now I am totally confused. But is it just aadult ADHD?????? Oh god- I dont understand!!!!!

Am I dyslexic then?

Really, i feel sick. Does this mean Ive probably passed this onto my youngest !!!??? Oh no....thats so not good so not happy. All the characteristics of ADHD were me as a child. I was very clingy with my mother, Bed wet, Its just about all of them except for the raging part (Id never be allowed to rage) Id get frustrated and cry and cry and cry as Id want to rage but id get too scared. Sh....t it all fits and some then thers the rest , the rest of the stuff I have to deal with and now my head is banging and I am going to have to have a drinK ( I not going to have a drink - nope!) . there is the other aspect the lack of social ability ( thats me) and it was all aprt from one that have all been reported. Am I just in a panic? Please someone teel me I am ....this is not fair!!!!!

More than anything, I am concerned about my gal safter reading all that.. Hopefully , it was all to do with the way i was put on this planet, rather than genetics!!! Okay, I am in a blind panic for fear that my children are at risk. I wouldnt wish my crazy messed up head on anyone.

Had I gone for help earlier, do you think my relationship would have stood for longer? I no longer fear shouting ( like Iused to ) Not with my partner for some reason, but I am still a little whimpa round my parents. What is all that about, yet hehe has done more harm than my parents have done ( I think) I dont know , I am really very confused. so confused. i think, hmm maybe I should not read anymore into this, I knpw only to well of how when you study such stuuf you think , yuop thats me, and so far I think I could safely say I pretty much cover my degree- :lol: :lol: :lol: Ive got it all :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Well , I did say, did I not? It is a all or nothing thing with me.

20

My little girl has come home sick. I have a splitting headache all ready taken 2 paracetamols and I never take these as they never work. I am still wide awake and really irrritable, yet know I should be sleeping. technically i should be sleeping. Its not normal to go on this long without proper sleep.

Maybe its a bug.

Anyway, read a bit on this condition. I dont know if i am . I do definately have all the symptoms, but definately steer towards the depressed side of things 75% of the time. feeling so alone. Just wanted to chat. Fed up having headaches like these and todya Ive drank my weight in water.