Hi there...
I'm a female in my mid twenties, really depressed and started having major panicky attacks esp in morning on top of anxiety. It started around August and gradually worsened and is at an all time low this week, of course around Christmas.
In August, my then boyfriend pretty much broke up with me/or I was forced into it as he was treating me terribly and pushing me away and being unloyal...after I took him back in June from a 2 year heavily invested relationship. He was the love of my life, still is deep down I guess despite his disgusting behaviour I wouldn't wish on anything. And are families are neighbours so it's difficult.
Sad thing is, I was doing amazing after my first break (or much better than now), but I do have a lot going on on top of this consecutive heartbreak:
In June, I got myself really together, subletted a beautiful apartment for a few months and started seeing my ex at that time as he apologized and well I loved him so I went back. Gradually, the verbal abuse and put downs/neglect escalated and I said I just couldn't take it anymore as I was becoming very sad. Yet, I felt like I did something wrong or shouldn't have left. Back and forth it went then he just ditched me on my birthday. I blocked him as I was a mess.
My sublet end of august and I think it was hard finding a place I truly loved, while trying to save for school. Ended up in a place out of town which most would think is nice but I became very suicidal and OCD in. My doctor advised me to move home to my parents, where I forfeited work to get better but now have the stress of assigning a new tenant which is taking forever and I can't breathe as I feel I made such a huge mistake/and I'm always so good with money so I'm scared. My family isn't well so I have little support but I'm breaking down, heavily depressed and actually started hating myself when I have so much going for me and am blessed in many ways but I don't see it. I see myself as unworthy/not good enough. I think it stems from my ex.
He and his mother would constantly say I'm going no where when I did so well for myself. I literally want to crawl up, cry and die. It's distorted thinking but it's persistent. I can't cope. I just wish I could be happy again, stable but I feel I'm not good enough and can't make decisions anymore. Worst time of my life. How do I get through?