erratic,

Mental health
1

i just want to say this is very erratic hard to keep up with but probably very interesting for some.. and will probably make u angry

it started when i was in year 5-6 in primary school my temper got worse my emotions played games with me and i started getting violent and uncontrollable i would take illegal things into school and was suspended and excluded i had shot someone with a pellet gun and bring in fake drugs and empty machine gun shells... i had pets (hamsters where killed) dogs where severly beaten when they tried to bite me... there is more to this and i regret my actions i havent hurt an animal since the age of 15... not that it makes a difference but they were big dogs and are all still with me to this day.... and cared for very well by my gf.... i would also have very dangerous things in possesion like fertiliser chemicals knifes which i collect and air pistols and anything eles that could cause harm i had as i got older.. the possesion of these things started from knifes and increased to the rest upto the age of 21 ( i didnt have airpistols untill the age of 16-17)

when i was in secondary it increased i started swearing and throwing chairs at teachers along with bunking off school i used to purposely hit my head with a bat to go into the med room i eventually was expelled in year 7 for threatening to cut someone ear off with a knife and then beating him up for telling on me ...after this i was put into a PRU centre it had cages on the windows cameras in the hall ways and card keys to pass every door even the front gate .... my violence got worse i would kick in doors to run into the art room to steal things (while the teacher was still teaching) i set a cctv camera on fire i also broke into the room where the test papers where kept and handed them out and they had to cancel the tests ... i broke a teachers hand by locking myself into a room and when he put his hand in the way i kicked the door .... i smoked in the corridor in front of a teacher ...

once i was out of that school and into the next i had moved into a different area and put into a different school i was better behaved but that was because i just sat there doing nothing i left school at the age of 15 as i had a child on the way .... i was working with my dad trying to earn money but it came to the point where he wasnt earning enough for the both of us so i had to give up ... i started to become desperate for money this is when i had to steal a motorbike where i was caught and charged by armed police and forced to stop at gunpoint i got a little kick in which i didnt mind i knew i was doing wrong

money was not good but i could have not done it and my kid would have been fine... i was just fed up of not having anything to say (I) put that on the table! even if it was at someone else expense we had another unplanned child 9 month after the first was born also...after a year or so me and the mother broke up from our relationship..

i ws still under my conditional discharge from the like offence but it was suspended because i wanted to join the army and i did but unfortunately i left because my mother became ill and the child mother would ring me and tell me the kids wasn't mine this all took alot out of me so i had to leave ...i wasnt ready....

after this i was more a little more capable of controlling myself and i had grew up alot in a very fast time i had tried to OD on paracetamol and also put a knife into my arm at some point but when im not so sure of i think it was after i had left ..

after this a a bit of time passing by i eventually found myelf living back in my old area where i had been sucked into the drug trade ... my dad was a cocaine dealer when i was younger i would touch nothing but cannabis.... i eventually got alot of experience in cannabis and started producing it.... i got caught up with people that i shouldn't of as my illness made me very good at what i needed to do to get paid on time and it fed my addiction for adrenaline

during all of this time my mum became very ill and is still ill to this day at my age of 22 she has cancer,M.S,diabetes,crushed spinal disk crushing nerves, emphysema and also bipolar/personality disorder... my dad was never around the violance i saw from young was from him to others and i also saw my mum being beaten from her bf at a young age he then killed himself ....

my experience with hospitals and psychiatrists is very aggravating especially when i dont want to live my life any more but i beg for help because for some reason i dont have the guts to finish myself off i overdosed a few times and nothing would work in my life i have tried 50-60 paracetamol around the age of 15-17 where i was violently sick and just slept it off my mum took me to see people when i was young they said i was fine... i tried to get help when i was 21 telling them my story and telling them i need help telling them about my random bursts of violence and my random bursts of extreme depression and suicidal thoughts i was put into hospital eventually after going there with a random amount of non lethal dosages of random prescription drugs they had put me into hospital for the first time where after two days i was let out because i said i felt fine .... i eventually had another episode where i was put into hospital but for some crazy reason i had brough with me a lethal dose of potasium cloride (lethal injection) and i titanium blade/knife ... when i was in hospital i realised because i had agreeed to go into hospital rather than be sectioned i could go out for the day... so i did for the three days i was in there i stocked up on 6-7 bottles of calpol for adult/ over six .... this sounds very stupid but at the time of when i done it i knew how much a bottle of this stuff contains of paracetamol i then drunk these bottles where i eventually fell to the floor in pain and was taken to a&e i refused treatment and then for some reason told them i would accept treatment if i was able to go to st marys hospital ... when i arrived i refused treatment ... there was a lady with me to guard me and make sure i didnt run off or whatever... she had a phone call where the other carer on the phone said on loud speaker "why didnt he do it at home why is he in hospital if hes refusing treatment and kissed her teeth" ... something like that which made me furious when i was taking the paracetamol i told the pharmacist in frays ward i had a bad headache and they gave me 1000mg of para twice which i thought was great! i eventually took the treatment as they told me they was going to section me and i was getting fed up of the pain anyway it felt like really bad wind like my stomach was slowly building pressure and i couldnt go toilet... i was given a nac infusion to stop the overdose but i still didnt want the treatment so i would play with the machine and i knew how to decrease the dosage so it wouldnt work... they eventually ut a lock on the machine but i worked around it and i eventually fitted .... the few days after i was released they wanted to call my mum and gf to see if they thought i would be ok to return home ... but i told them they were at work where eventually after alot of bullshit i was let out of st marys hospital a free man..

there is more but my brain doesnt function as id like it to if i get enough replies ill post more detail about something if someone wants to know anything

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Just want to know how you are today?

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Hi Perry... I have just read through your outpouring of feelings and memories and feel quite moved by it. Whilst reading through, i realised how brave and strong you really are.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for 5 years and it makes you do things you wouldnt expect yourself to do. I'm not saying you did these things because of that. Everything you go through as a child has an effect on you later on in life. I also had issues with my dad and watched him hit my mum a lot and me, my sister and brother. Your violence probably stems from what you saw your dad do.. but yours was just a cry for help and frustration.

what you wrote above shows that you acknowledge what you did was wrong and you did things to change.

Just think, you have a great gf and beautiful children, who you want to see grow up and have the best in life. It seems you have been through a lot and your still very young... so think you have been through the worst and now you deserve the very best.. so stay focused and try and be positive. I hope you mum is okay too.

If you want to talk you can PM me....

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Hi Perry !

Ive just read your post and my heart goes out to you . You might have been worried that people would be angry at what you shared about yourself but all I see is someone desperately trying to cope with unbelievable pain and someone who has been crying out for help - and stil is .

I know what it feels like to be so desperate for help that you will do anything to get it . If only people would listen in the first place and it can be such a battle . You need someone to show that they care , someone to make you feel that you matter and are valued . You need someone to understand you and reach out to comfort you not judge you .

Its so hard , so very hard when the people who are supposed to be trained in mental health and who are supposed to give help and support let you down - and the system has let you down badly .

My symptoms are entirely different from yours but my feelings are so similar and I have experienced the same attitude from mental health professionals when trying to ask for help .I feel judged and labelled and rejected . Sometimes you want to scream and wonder what more you can do to try to show people how desperate you are .

Nobody wants to feel like this yet at times I feel treated as if Im making things up and am a misbehaving child . I would do anything to feel better - anything and it sounds as though you would too .

I wish I had some answers. I wish I had a magic wand for everyone who visits this site but there isn't one . That isn't to say there are no answers and Im certainly not saying that things cant get better . Maybe acceptance helps - accepting yourself , knowing that none of what has happened to you is your fault and that it is your childhood experiences that have affected your life so far .

You are brave and courageous . You have been through things most people could never handle . No matter what you think of yourself you are obviously a very caring person too . You care about your mother .

You are a fighter - you want to make things better . Don't give up . You have everything it takes to overcome this in time. Don't try and cope on your own though . There are people on this site to support you and many who are a lot further along the road to recovery than I am who can give you hope .

.

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hey everyone thank you for your replies it means allot

you are right 'justme' it is very very frustrating when you cry for help and hardly none or near to none is received every time i used to go into the home treatment team they would ask if i was ok and because of my problem sometimes i would just say yes because i didn't want the help i wanted to fight this on my own i didn't want to feel like i needed others help but these moods only last around a few hours and then once my brain scrambles up again im a mess i can go from happy - ok - rubbing my head crying and asking for it to stop ... some times i would get in a burning hot shower i don't know why but sometimes it helped me and sometimes it would do nothing and id be in the shower crying for an hour ... its very random and uncontrollable ...

this happens alot but its more on a hourly basis i tend to snap at people i dont like being spoken to when my brain cant handle thinking and speaking ... im not entirely sure but this is the best description i can give when i mean snap it could be a raise of my voice to family/GF but if its to people that i dont know i can go as far as threatening to kill them with my own specs ... ive also once strangled my friend when he hit me with a celery (drunk) and also disarmed him of a metal pole as i thought he was comin for me and not much happened but i cant remember exactly what... where sill friends

i allways told the doctors that i say im ok when im not and they knew this the whole time they knew me

your right i do regret the things ive done in the passed but while im not being helped i know im still a danger to myself and others... ive told them this and well im still here!

sometimes i feel like setting fire to there building and i bet if they left me long enough and if i was in a bad mood at the time id do it no problemo! not with them in there i want help from them not to harm them! its just so damn frustrating i have no medication i have nothing im left to sit here waiting for a new appointment which is on 16th of MAY!! grrr

MTM im feeling ok today ... ive been a bit snappy because i went shopping and the GF and he mother like to ask questions even when ive already answered them ... thanks for asking

GAB2 thank you for your reply im sorry to hear about your past and i hope you are happy with how things are for you now.... i look forward to my new child being born and this unfortunately is the only thing keeping me alive ... the truth is before i knew he was going to be born i had people around me ike my gf mother and so on but this wasnt what i needed i was and am figting a battle by myself im no longer allowed to see my other children because she said i didnt love them because i couldnt have them at my GF's house all the time because she lived with parent i felt so bad like i was a burden bringing my children making noise... (he used to moan at me when i typed loudly at night even tho we both had insomnia) i say this sadly ... hes dead now and i dont have the shadow hovering around my head telling me to not make noise and not to go out at night because i knew he would moan ... anyways i dunno how i got to that part.... like i was saying i felt i had nothing ... the only thing i knew was this pain and i wanted it gone! i saw no way out other than death it became a bit of a game for me to see how far i could push my body i started to love the thought of death and the peace it would bring to me and those around me (after they got over it) i knew that people would be better off without me ... i am just uncontrollable only i can end this .... sorry if ive missed out bits or questions its hard when your brain feels like a maze

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how is everyone feeling today?

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a little manic. a little sad. but functioning

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hey Perry. I have read your tragic story & your behaviour has been terrible. The fact that you have taken the step to come on here & bear your soul like this, shows a great deal of courage. I had to own up to being a bit of an A.hole in my marriage causing my wife to leave me, which I deserved. We are not alone in this, many have behaved as badly as we both have & have been helped. You deserve respect for owning up to your mistakes & I hope you can find a way of overcoming your demons. Take care.

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Hi again Perry !

You need to start trying to believe that youre not the awful person youre making yourself out to be . I know Im a right one to say this as actually I cant do it myself but the fact that youre on this site and despite how bad youre feeling you still care enough to ask how other people are doing just shows that you are a very caring person .

Your behaviour is not who you are - it is not your fault , it is due to a mental health illness which you cant control . Nobody asks to be unwell and nobody wants to feel like you do .

I know many people don't like to be classed as having mental health problems but I truly believe its no different from having a physical health problem . I can say this on this site because it feels safe and I know / hope I wont be judged for it . The difference is that people in general do judge you - friends , family and worst of all the doctors who are supposed to be helping you and treating you .

My symptoms are different from yours but stem from the same feelings but that doesn't make either of us a better or worse person even though because of my illness and the way people respond to me I feel totally worthless and an absolute failiure . I feel like I have achieved nothing with my life and that I have been a really bad mother to the children I love so very very much .

To the outsider I can look and sound like a perfectly normal well adjusted person . In fact we are normal - we just happen to be unwell through no fault of our own . I often sit with a cupp

a in Costas smiling and chatting away to people . I feel people look at me and think - whats wrong with her - she should be out getting a job not relying on benefits . Its then I wish they could see the pain inside . Its then I wish they knew that actually I carry an overdose supply in my purse and that Im sitting here trying to find the strength to carry on .

When life is such a daily battle then slipping away peacefully does actually sound so good and like you I feel people will be better off without me and that no one cares anyway . But the fact of the matter is that somehow against all the odds were still both here .

I guess that must mean something . Somewhere buried underneath all of this stuff we must be pretty strong , determined people even if we don't feel like it .