everyday is a struggle, i feel like i'm so deep i can't get out

Mental health
1

anxiety & depression gives me headaches, i feel woosy, queasy, light-headed all of the time, in constant thought, no break from my mind, it eats up at me - when i'm feeling good it's 0.2s before i'm thinking. because my mind goes "wow... i'm feeling good! this is a good thing!" then i start worrying about going back to how i was. and i'm here again. i literally fall down the hole and i can see yourself falling. i know that thinking about this will make it worse but i cannot stop thinking. most meds won't cure me... being mindful and spiritual isn't enough but it helps, meditation can turn nasty if i'm in the wrong mindset. revision is impossible. all i'm thinking is: I can't do this, its' too hard, too little time - all i'm thinking about is how i CAN'T do this, how my head feels so heavy; some people begin to love something and it's their crutch - might be drinking, might be smoking; some people turn their lives completely AROUND at this point. some people love running & health, some love yoga & buddhism. some people love those things and they never come back, they learn to not let themselves fall down but for other's it is impossible. Trust me. for as long as i can remember i have been trying to remedy my problems. for as long as i can remember. i can remember being in primary school, on the school playground, and constantly thinking... always worried about something. i've missed so much in my life because im always in my head. i remember going to weddings, but not being there because i was too worried about my weight. i was so focused on my collar bones showing & that was all i thought about. i blamed my problems on everything else. i blamed them on my upbringing - the fact my mum has an eating disorder, the fact my sister has mental health issues, that my dad left when we were younger and he gets angry all of the time - i blamed it on my metabolism for not being quick enough & eventually i turned and blamed EVERYTHING on myself. now instead of it being my mum's fault I had ED growing up i blamed my mum's ED on me. i was never there. i never supported her when i could. i never told her how much i loved her and made her feel like she was worth something. i feel so neglected and empty and dry with emotion & i am getting to the point where i cannot see any other route off this earth other than suicide. 

 i'm where i should be. i'm finishing college, my grades should be good, i've got a place at uni and my boyfriend loves me. i've opened up to my family. before i was so stoic, so angry and so bitter. i've never had a longer conversation than about 10 minutes, most of that was filled by awkward silence, with any member of my family. but now we speak. 

 but i am so uncomfortable and alone. i'm skinny, i'm vegan, and i do honestly think that i'm pretty most of the time. my outlook is better, and now i have to face my problems. they're tearing through and i cannot deal with them. now they're not repressed; now that i'm now repressing myself, i have discovered how deadly mental health issues are. 

 i'm really struggling. if i look back on my life i cannot find worth. a lifetime of this is not worth it - trust me. no amount of happiness can make up for a lifetime of scaredness and sadness. 

 so what should i do? i've seen GP's, i cannot take meds, at the moment i just don't have time for meditation or mindfulness. when i told my boyfriend that i'd prefer my 2 last exams to be on the same day so i didn't have to revise for another week he scoffed, as most people would. but it's just so different in this mindset. another week of struggle isn't worth a good grade. my mental health is at breaking point again. 

 I never dealt with these issues as a child & they have completely ruined my childhood. i have barely any good memories to look back on. i feel like a special-worst-case-scenario in that i've dug myself a hole so deep i cannot get out of it. chants and mantras and cliches don't work. my mind consumes me, i just can't see how if i've been born with this and I'm supposed to get rid of it. it feels so innate in my nature. 

 i'm sorry if i reply sloppily as in here and there but my anxiety gets really bad about online forums  

 i guess i'm just asking if anybody can relate and what helped them 

2

HI  Annie,

You are not alone. My childhood was a horror and at 52 I am finally doing the tough work on it. I am suffering terribly with anxiety and nausea and depression.

Find yourself a good psychiatrist. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. You can do the work and heal with some help. Don't wait any longer and stop blaming yourself. You were a child. Please keep trying, don't give up. Everyday at some point I want to give up but I won't and neither should you. We can do this, and we are worth so much more than all the pain and confusion that was our childhood.

keep talking, typing.

Laurie

3

Hey anne well firstly there's definitely no reason to feel like you ever have to apologise here it's not how it works on this site we want you to tell us how your feeling etc

So I think a lot of your probs is how you approach things Hun as you state this is to hard I can't I just can't etc

The mind is so powerful if you think you can't you never will babe trust me you admit defeat before you start so it's impossible you submit to early

I can't the no medicine etc so time permitting try to think of the things you used to enjoy doing maybe join a gym to release feel good hormones or just a hobbie you do for the sheer pleasure of I think sometimes I think we get so carried away being the person we think others need or want us to be we forget who we are ourselves and what we need and want

If you feel your boyfriend is getting bored of hearing about your probs then babe start a dairy this way you'll feel you have spoken to someone and vented and you don't have to carry the burden yourself

I'm a firm believer in not letting your past dictate your future Hun so stop with the blame game it's notyour fault your mums sisters or dads just circumstantial that's all

If your overweight this could be metabolism as you said a lot of peopl think cut out meals etc it don't work like that you have to eat small and often to lose weight if you need a diet plan to help you do this inboxed me I'd be more than happy to help you with this but it's strict and may not make any sense to you but I can explain how and why I think works for you if you wish

Thinking of you

Quote here for you

Change your language to change your life

I.e. I can't do it it's to hard into I really want this the hard work will pay off

Stay positive

Mike

4

I think you are being rather hard on yourself. We all worry and get morbidly anxious about the silliest things but we have to try and divert our thoughts as best as we can to something that makes us happy. Its not all a piece of cake doing that when our mind has anxiety and worry in a vice like grip. Like today i was so low that i had so many weeping spells i thought my life was over but then i spoke to my daughter and she told me to stop thinking about things so much. Instead to go for a walk and go out for dinner. I must say it really worked after i did that.

5

I think Mike has put it across really well.

6

Hi Annie - sorry to read of your situation. You state that "most medications" won't work for me. How do you know? You haven't stated whether you have been in any form of counselling, whether psychologist or therapist. Since the issues you have described have been with you since childhood, there is a deep well to uncover and deal with. Also, you state that both parents have had serious issues and that your sister suffers with mental health issues. this indicates there could be a genetic component to your depression which has had fertile ground to grow.

It's an unfortunate reality that depression is not an illness that will heal itself with time. It needs hands on action, with a support structure which usually requires the help of medication. You have described an illness that you have always battled and there seems to be no end to the yo-yo characteristic of it with the methods you are using.

The disorder is dunking you into the lake of self-blame, and you are critical of every aspect of yourself. The obsession with your appearance is a slippery slope where you will never find satisfaction, because even if you do, you will think your way out of it in a minute, tonight, or before breakfast tomorrow. The fact is you have a partner, so you have some sort of appeal. Whatever you think of yourself in a depressed state is magnifying any negative self perceptions and causing fear and a sense that one is not good enough. It is how you are thinking, not what everyone else is thinking.

Whether your condition is innate or a consequence of external factors, you have struggled all your life with it and it still haunts you. Professional help is required. See your doctor and explain what you are feeling and the history. You may be prescribed meds. If there is no relief in 3-6 weeks, they may need to be tweaked in dosage, or changed altogether. It's important you get a referral to a psychologist where you will be guided to unveil the deep issues that haunt you in a safe and understanding environment. This process will take as long as it takes. There is no one-size-fits-all remedy for depression, it's as unique as the person themselves. The important thing is that you build a support structure to help you through to a more stable future where you have a deeper understanding of yourself. This needs action.

7

Hello Wayne, thank you for your reply

 I can't take most meds because they contain animal products and it's completely against my ethics personally I just couldn't give up that part of my ethics for any form of self-help 

 I have seen consellors before but I always find myself recoiling and pretending that things aren't as bad as they usually are. Mostly because the situation is awkward and I want to get out asap which I know is bad but also my experience with counsellors has always just been negative. They've been condescending and patronising (mostly school counsellors) although some have been lovely and have really made me feel important

 I'll book an appointment with my GP soon and see if I can get any referrals for counselling. It's just such a big scary road and I have no idea how it will go but I'm willing to try 

 Thank you again for your response and I hope your day is a happy one <3 

8

oh & for meds it is a last resort even where animal products are not involved. spirituality and cleanliness are a big part of my life and I'd like to tackle these issues as free from anything like that as I can, although I will consider non-animal-products meds (if there are any, I'm not sure) in the future. 

 & you explain things so well. thank you for your understanding 

9

It really is a struggle I do always find that after discussing some things with my partner I feel like a weight is off my shoulders but lately it's just been hanging down. I think I've gotten worse lately. Your daughter definitely has the right idea though I know being pro-active and redirecting your mind is the best way to get rid of those thoughts, but they've been so hanging on me lately it's like I can't even do anything about it. 

 This morning I've been a bit better and it's nice to see responses from so many people who really care, such a nice community <3 thank you for your response 

10

So glad you said that Annie it's a huge problem for vegans on ethical basis

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Thank you for your response <3 

 I'll try tackling thoughts before they consume me... I think self-love & motivation are the most important things in life but I've struggled so much with both of those things.. but I'm trying, and that's all I can ask of myself

 as for hobbies a lot of the things I used to do were all about losing weight, in a bad mindset. I'd love love love to give the gym a try again. I used to be so fit and active (though definitely not healthy) and I want to make it so now I'm fit, active & healthy! It's just a scary thing to start again for fear of getting back into that mindset. Recently I've started gardening in my spare time, only growing flowers & some herbs but it's so satisfying watching a tiny little sprout grow into an 8ft sunflower! it gives me the smallest reason to wake up and do something, so I think I'll try and stick with gardening and revisit a lot of old games I used to love. 

 My weight's fine at the moment though thank you for offering your help I feel okay about my body most days it's just an easy negative to pick up on when I'm in that mind-set 

 I'm feeling a little more positive now, thank you, I hope you have a happy day <3 

12

Thank you for your response, 

 I'm wishing you the best with your problems... that's a long time to be fighting but you're still here, going strong... that's something to be proud of so I congratulate you <3 

 I think finding a longer-term counsellor who I feel dedicated to will help. In that past they've all felt like they were just doing a job, if you know what I mean. Though I've had some who made me feel very loved and important, a lot of them haven't really been that great, but I'm willing to give some more a try.. fingers crossed 

 as you say, we can do this Laurie, both of us.. giving you lots of love for your day <3 

13

Hi again Annie - thanks for your response. Good on you for taking action. As for the meds, there are herbal remedies like St Johns Wort and Camomile tea that might help. I'm sure there are many others which can be googled. Sorry that you have had negative responses from some of your counsellors - I think that is a problem many of us have endured. It's frustrating and can leave one feeling hopeless and helpless. Hang in there and however scary the road, this is for your wellbeing and your future. You are strong - you've made it this far - and you are intelligent, demonstrated by the fact that you have explored this illness and are reaching out to understand it and solve it.  Whatever happens, we are always here to talk to.

14

when I feel helpless/hopeless...

help someone.

 

15

We all feel like this a number of times in our life. Then we feel as if we have no role to play in this world and no one cares. After that we sink into self pity and then down down...... But it need not be like that. One can talk to a professional and get help. They are trained to understand what we are feeling and can suggest remedies. So please dont waste any more time. Make an appointment today.