Didnt go to work this morning. Didnt ring in sick. Dragged myself to the doctors who said to come back in 2 days and what I do about work is up to me. I wanted to be straight with them and tell them whats been going on but didnt know how so I just sent it in an email but had no reply.
Cant do anything right. The only advice I get from people is dont mess it up again you were doing so well. I wasnt I just pretended I was. People dont get how much of a struggle it is. I wish they didnt have such high expectations of me.
The doctor said I only have mild depression yet I can only complete a week of full time work without f**cking up and I literally have to drag myself to work everyday. I already had doubts that im just lazy but them saying it was only mild has made me even more sure that there's nothing wrong with me im just a waste of space.
Hi I understand those feelings well. I often dragged mysef into work but fortunately I am retired now. I think you may have more than mild depression. Are you on any meds and/or counselling? See another doctoras well - a more sympathetic one.
You are not a waste of space - you are ill. Is it possible you can work part time? ie having a day off in the middle of the week like I used to. It makes a big difference.
We all understand on this site don't we? So you are not alone. x
Don't worry, you're not alone in feeling this way.
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. If you're dragging yourself out of bed every morning and feeling down, there is something wrong. Even saying 'I'm just a waste of space' proves how bad you're feeling. No one should think that about themselves.
I know it sounds silly, but have you been completely honest with your gp? Have you told him you struggle every single morning, that this isn't just something that happens every now and again? And that you felt so depressed that you couldn't even face going to work or phoning in sick? Because I think anyone would realise this isn't 'mild'. Dont be afraid to tell the doctor everything and tell him you feel so bad that you know you need help.
My problem was that I would go to my doctor and play down my symptoms. I was scared to cry in front of them, or have them think I was crazy. I soon realised, there is nothing wrong with crying and saying exactly how you feel. Theyre professionals and should act as such.
I agree with hypercat. Perhaps see another doctor if you do not feel comfortable enough to talk to this one or they are not understanding of your problem. Also, if you're struggling with full time work, there's nothing wrong with having a look for something part time. It doesn't need to be forever. Once you get help and feel better, you can look for another full time job. Do not feel bad about that.
I hope everything works out for you and you feel better soon!
I know that feeling too well. On bad days I can't even open an email or pick up the phone.
Also mild depression does not feel mild. I think often GPs, even though most of them mean well, are not trained in mental health issues well enough. And when you are feeling as low as you are, to be told your depression is 'mild' often just makes you feel worse.
I think Hypercats suggestion of working part time is a good one, gives you a mid week break to recuperate. One thing I have found that helps me get out in the morning is to get up as soon as the alarm goes of (no snoozing as tempting as it may be!) and to do 10/15 mins of stretching, it generally tends to energise me but also smooth out any early morning anxiety. Although it doesn't always help, and sometimes I can bring myself to even do that, I have in general found this helpful.
Finally, you are not lazy. To get up and manage to go to work / get out the house as much as you do when you are feeling so low, shows how strong you are. If people sayyou are lazy, they are the lazy ones who can not even bother to try to understand or empathise with your illness.
as others have written I also have felt this way, I use the term "destructive tendencies" my term not medical but I think it fits. I to have 'mild depression' and thought it a bit of a joke but I spent last week on a psych ward and realised that when they say mild they are not saying we are faking it or just a bit glum they are saying that on a scale we are not as desperate as some. For 30 years I struggled, lost jobs, drank and destroyed my life over and over again. The relief I felt when I finally started talking to my GP and CPN was overwhelming it is just a shame I only did so after I had carved my arms up and was hours away from taking my own life. You are not lazy you are ill and if you had chest pains and didn't tell the doctor you would run the risk of serious illness, just because the problem is in your head and cannot be seen does not make it any less serious. Mental health is a growing problem and while the stigma is still there the help is also there.
i hope you find it within yourself to open up to your GP or CPN like you have to us here, they will help you and I look forward to sharing your journey as I continue mine.
Thanks for your advice everyone. Havent been in work since tuesday but did tell them the reasons why and they are being understanding. I had a doctors appointment this morning and was hoping to discuss my options about working and was hoping for some practical advice because my problem solving/decision making skills are non existant at the moment. However, she just cut me straight off and starring asking about suicidal thoughts which I said were there but I know I wont act on them. Then she just said oh that's good then so at least you're safe, I will up your medication and see you next week. Then ushered me out of the office.
Im torn because I feel bad for this job but ive just been given an interview for Tuesday for a part time job which is working with adults with learning disabilities which is more what I want to do than this office job. But I don't know what to say to work and feel to embarrassed to go back in in the time being. And what if I quit this job then don't get the other one?
Does anyone have any suggestions about what to do?
sorry to hear about your visit to the doctors but it seems to be a common theme that unless you are at risk of hurting yourself or others you are "safe". Up go the meds (do you mind if I ask what you are on and how long) and away you go. I have a simular problem I have been off work now for 6 weeks and have just been signed off for 6 more, work is a big worry even though I have an understanding employer. As yet I have received no counselling or even guidance on what is available, in fact I have found more therapy talking to people on here, sharing my experiences and reading those of others. My challenge this week is to build a routine, even daily tasks like washing and eating are planned just to help me build a structure. Maybe it would help you?
I know, I think thats why I hate the label "mild depression". I have had cbt and it doesnt work for me..what I could do with is some practical advice from doctors so that im not setting myself up to fail when I take on a new job, and don't feel worse as a result of that failure. She seemed quite happy when I said I wasn't managing with the job, because her advice all along was not to take it. Instead she suggested just taking a walk, and while I see the point in the advice working is what is important to me. Going for a walk is meaningless and doesn't give me any sense of purpose. Now im in a muddle because I have to let another employer down once again and am taking another gamble going for this next job. Not to mention my flatmates are giving me disappointed looks for not being in this week. Can't do right for doing wrong. I really did try with it but it was too much too soon :'(
I've just started on sertraline 50mg two weeks ago..a couple of days before starting my new job (another way I was set up to fail by the gp). Now its going up to 100mg. I think im going to quit this job and gamble on the other one. And Im gonna try not to care what people think about it because all the mixed advice im getting from everyone is making my brain even more muddled!
im going to go out on a limb here and suggest you do take this job working with people with learning disablilties, I say this because it is a job with an enormous sense of purpose and I think through helping others you will find some inner peace of your own. I work in an office and I did love it but since I took a turn for the worse and started talking to people with problems I could quite happily change profession just so I felt like my life had purpose. I gather your doctor explained to you that the medication you are on takes several weeks to truly take full effect so don't expect an instant effect, often the first week or so you feel better but this is as much a placebo effect as the meds. If I can be bold I would say (taken from what you have written) that your depression may stem from a lack of self worth and/ or purpose. I wish you all the best, I hope my words help in some way.
Hi go back to work and try not to feel embarrassed though I am not sure why you would think like this. Don't leave this job until you know you have another one. A lot of people do this and I think it would be foolish to give up this job until you have found another. x
Thanks hypercat. I have emailed work (still not feeling up to phoning) saying that the doctor said to take a week offf and see how I feel Thursday after my psychiatry review on Wednesday. I said I was confident I would feel up to coming back by then. And that means I can go to the interview for the other job on Tuesday and if I get it great but if I don't at least I still have a job here.
I feel so bad though for messing them around, even though I know I shouldn't because I have been feeling very low. I feel like everyones been talking about me in the office and don't want to show my face But I will suck it up because I need to be grateful that they're being so patient and understanding!