At first I feel loss. It's powerful, but a surprising simple emotion for such an event. Just nothingness. Just empty. That's it.
Then I feel mad, how could you be so selfish to do this to us?
Then I immediately recoil at having used the word "selfish". A cliche that makes perfect sense until you understand all the hard work that went into an elaborate rationalization, proving point by point, how each person in your life would actually be better off with your departure. By the end, the mind has fully twisted any notion of selfishness into an act of courage.
Then I feel fear. If looks, money, talent, and a loving family cannot protect someone, what chance do the rest of us have? Dear god. This is not a good sign.
Then i realize there are plenty of people who would count my own life as perfect enough, such that any complaint should be disallowed and marked first world pathetic.
Then I feel mad at those close to him. They knew what was happening. Damn it why couldn't you have protected him? Couldn't you see how vulnerable he was? Where the hell were you?
Then I remember the constant work I put in to maintain the wall between those around me and the darkness. They did nothing at that moment because they knew nothing at that moment.
Then I'm just sad. His music starts to play and I hurry to an empty room so no one can here me cry. I set the song to play on an endless loop and privately mourn.
The final verdict is that will be no punishment and no shame. This is not forgiveness. I'm not trying to be kind. I just have nothing. No analysis that ends fairly.
Just come back and I promise, there will be no judgement to face.
Hi, I'm not sure if you are talking about the same person but I have been deeply affected by Chester Bennington leaving us. It sent me on a huge downward spiral recently. Well I was already on one, but that didn't help. Perhaps you are talking about the tragic loss of Chris Cornell. I don't know. Maybe it's someone completely different. I couldn't stand what happened to Chester (I still can't) and it added to how I have been feeling recently. Out of everyone lost these past couple of years, this one has really hit me hard. Not only was it just a 'general' shock, I couldn't have predicted what his loss would do to me. He was the same age as me. I have wallowed in grief. I have spent hours just playing my favourite Linkin Park songs and watching youtube videos. And feeling guilty. Guilty that I had forgotten about or ignored them over the past years. I wish he could come back so I could make up for that and appreciate him more. And angry too that no-one was there for him when it happened. But as you made reference to, we all have walls. And sometimes those walls become a fortress and it shuts you inside. Chester's fortress captured him for good. I hope we both, and others on here, can keep knocking holes in ours.
Unforgiven
I am a sixty seven year old man and cannot understand the amount of grieff shown for this star who did sadly take His life.
No-one likes to hear about someone known who has died through suicide.
What I cannot understand is a suicide of someone who lives far away with no link to peope who are grieving.
Yes it is very sad. I just feel at a loss.
However you can blame my mental health problems for showing no feeling here
Mari, you are right! It made my day you picked up on what I was meaning, thank you. Don't know why I just didnt just come out and say it, but sometimes you don't feel like explaining things. Know what I mean?
Actual it was for both Chester and Chris. The close proximity was a blow.
Anyway that was a half spit out draft, if you want to read the final version it's here (I don't know how to edit this post):
Stay strong remember a part of them will always be with us.
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In my case, talking about Chester, this is why. Music means everything to me. Some people do not feel it deeply, others do. Chester fought hard against his own demons. He was abused as a child and depression and mental illness plagued him his entire life. (He was only 41, same age as me). And his lyrics reflected that. His words speak to people. He was open and honest and his lyrics reflect what many people in this world (and on here) feel everyday. Even if his style of music was not to your taste, I would challenge anyone who has suffered not to be able to identify with at least one song. And for many, myself included, his voice and singing style (and the music) just added to that connection. I feel it all the more deeply now than I did 20 years ago. I have been through 'life' since then and his words connect with me now on a deeply personal level. Add to that the fact that he was a caring person, who wore his heart on his sleeve and helped others to be more senstive and understanding towards mental health. He is a huge loss to humanity, not just to music. That is why we grieve for him.
borderriever it's a great question you have.
One I thing I can tell you is it's definitely not fandom or celebrity worship. It is much more simple than that.
Being touched by someone's music means you have shared intense emotions. Sharing intense emotions builds bonds, between friends, military platoons, or even with strangers, for example if you were in a hostage situation with a stranger only for a day. The song writer never knows you, but the emotion is still common and the bond can be formed when the music is poignant enough to touch your soul.
Also, it's not just the emotions that are shared. Being the same age, having similar early life challenges, anything in common can increase the bond just like it might with a neighbor. And the big ones, feeling similar symptoms of mental illness, depression, makes it very personal.
Some of it I don't get. Why did millions mourn Michael Jackson so much? Maybe they're sycophants, or maybe they have their own connections I just can't see or relate to.