Fear of Cancer ruining my life

Mental health
1

Hello everyone. Im Lucy, 24. I stumbled across this page after another one of my dates with good old 'dr google'. A bit

of background - Ive always had severe anxiety (to sum it up, basically Im scared of just about everything, although ironically not the common stuff people without anxiety fear like exam results etc) ever since I was an infant, its manifested itself in a wide array of ways over the years without a strong emphasis on health but more recently it has become a full on - what I can only descibe as sheer terror regarding cancer. Like everyone Ive always been 'aware' of cancer so to speak and for someone with anxiety to the extent of mine you'd think it would have always been a problem - no, that is until my Dad died of cancer 2 years ago and then my Grandma also got a terminal diagnosis. This has broken me to say the least. Every single day now I seem to live in perpetual terror and atleast 3 hours a day goes to googling symptoms and ending in hysteria and floods of tears. In the past month alone ive 'had' over 15 types. It sounds ridiculous and trust me I know but no amount of rationale seems to fight those demons. Any pain results in this cycle and it is truly ruining my life. I finally bit the bullet and got referred for cbt but the waiting list is huge and Im at a bit of a loss as to what to do in the mean time. I seem to be spiralling into my lowest ebb and I really cant deal with it at all anymore. I was just hoping for a friendly word or to from anyone who has similar issues or just has any ideas on what on earth I could do to sort myself out. To make matters worse I am absoloutly terrorfied of the doctors to the point I make myself physically ill everytime I go. Another delightful little idiotic character trait of mine. Isnt anxiety great?

2

Hi lucy i had to reply to you... exactly the same as i am. Im 29 two beautiful children and a fab partner. Mine started 2 and a half years ago with a SEVERE phobia of the C word, im litrally at the doctors every week with a different type of cancer... i do what you do and turn to dr google and my god does it bite me on the arse BIG TIME, like you i end up in floods of tears CONVINCED i have that illness. I think ive litrally had every type of "C" going, ive tried CBT twice and it hasnt worked for me... it works for some but not for others. I went to the doctors last week and asked her to refer me to gyne as im convinced ive got cervical or ovarian C... was in floods of tears and she said she would do it for my reassurance but didnt think i needed to be referred. She asked me to try meds (which i have avoided for 2 years) but as i cant keep carrying on like i have i agreed to try them and started them last thursday. Believe you are not on your own at all there is a lot of people like this, give CBT a shot and see how you do as it might work for you xx

3

I also have had severe health anxiety. Cancer is one of my greatest health fears. My mom died of leukaemia when I was 21 and my brother in law died of cancer in his early 40's. I have diagnosed myself with so many types of cancer, it's pathetic. I reach deeply into my faith in God and that helps me a lot. I also rarely google symptoms anymore. It's simply not worth it. Almost any off symptom one has could be a symptom of cancer according to Dr Google. I have wasted many a day that could've been so happy thinking I must have cancer. Please don't google. It's so harmful to those of us who have health anxiety.

4

Hi lucy

omg it's like reading about myself. LIKE you I've always been an anxious person, I'm literally frightened of everything,;the dark, open and closed spaces, water, heights,,anything that moves or fly, :etc etc. But this past couple of years I've become obsessed with bloody googling about cancer and now mnd. I sometimes Google over and over the same day, I've had every different type of cancer there is. I constantly check my stools for blood, size, shape colour etc. I'M constantly feeling my body for lumps etc. IF I get a sore throat I think I have throat cancer. The list goes on. Most cancer symptoms also state weight loss,;I've sometimes weighed myself over and over on the same day. I'VE recently lost about 7lbs and am worried. People are saying to me have you lost more weight? And this is making me worse. Unlike you though I am constantly at the doctors. I bet there sick of me. I question everything they tell me and think well what if their wrong??? I get twitches throughout my body and looked this up,I freaked out when I saw mnd. I go between having this and cancer. THIS horrible illness is affecting my life and my body physically. I hate the person I am and just wish I could live in peace. I also wish I could stop googling because it has become an obsession. I hear you lucy and know exactly how you feel. I know sometimes I'm been irrational and I could scream at myself. I just want to be normal. Big hugs to you xxxxx

5

Something to google that might help you would be symptoms of anxiety. There are comprehensive lists in which most likely you will find many symptoms you are experiencing.

So sorry about your dad.

6

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me Nicola, I really appreciate it. Im genuinly so sorry to hear you suffer also I wouldnt wish it on anyone. You sound very much like me in the sense that you get convinced of multiple types simultaneously! I get some morbid comfort from the fact its highly unlikely Id have all the types and still be functioning so if I can be wrong about some I can be wrong about others too! I am very dubious of CBT, i find it very hard to believe someone else can convince me to think differently if Ive failed to for 24 years. Best of luck with your meds, I remain hesitant also but im starting to think if it will help then its worth it to make life a bit easier for us all, let me know how you get on xx

7

Im so sorry to hear about your mom and brother in law Sandra, I have some understanding of how tough that can be And yes you are completely right about google, I start out on an innocent quest of reassurance and then somehow end up in a puddle on the floor with 6 hideous diagnoses!

8

Oh wow Lisa, me and you could be twins! I totally relate to the stools and lumps too, they are both recent obsessions of mine and Im driving myself even crazier than usual I too doubt doctors, its such a vicious circle. I drive myself mad sometimes to think I trust an internet webpage but not a trained professional! Its ludicrous and I know it but yet the fear remains. I know how hard it is to live with this illness and hate yourself for it, I so long to be like everyone else just going about their day enjoying life. Im wasting mine and its all my own doing yet I cant stop big hugs to you also, its so nice being able to talk to people who feel the same, noone in my life really understands xxx

9

It is really hard but you will get there one way or another and CBT might just work for you. I really didnt want meds and refused them for two years... but theres only so much someone can take. When ive been convinced of a certain illness ive had full blown panic attacks which is awful as you know. It really is debilitating. In the past two years here is the cancers ive been convinced ive had...

Ovarian

Cervical

Skin

Throat

Leukemia

Lymphoma

Brain tumor

Bone

Spinal

Oral

Stomach

Bowel

Breast

Theres probably more but that is what ive thought ive had... its bloody awful it really is, i feel awful for believing that i have these things when there is people out there with it but as you know you get stuck in a vicious cycle of this hellish thinking and before you know it your mind is telling you that you have it. Google is not your friend at all so try to make an effort as hard as it is not to do it... im trying at the mo to not do it, my partner said if i keep doing it hes going to buy me a crap phone that i go on the internet with or he will get the internet cut off😕. You will be ok just see how CBT goes... xxxx

10

Your right lucy no one understands unless there going through it aswell. I waste my life worrying about this. What if I don't have it??? I'VE worried myself sick for nothing. I'VE got an appointment for cbt but not sure if anyone can actually help me, I feel I'm beyond help. I just want to say get a grip of yourself, but it's easier said then done. WHY do we do this to ourselves😓😓. I would love to go a day without googling. I literally take everything it says as gospel. Hate hate hate this horrible illness and the evil grip it has on me. Xxx

11

Yes, I can relate to all of those in the past month alone I have literally jumped from spinal, bowel, ovarian, breast, bone, eosphageal, throat, lymphoma, brain and thyroid. I can hear what a fool I sound but I do this terrible thing where I link my pains and convince myself its mets. Thats what I struggle with the most its the fear of secondaries cause thats what generally gets you and I go straight to that point without considering I could have any other problems like a rational person. And im so scared of bad news I avoid the doctors like the plague which is counterproductive! As desperate as it is I can understand with the phone, my partner always tries to stop me googling but when hes at work are my darkest days and I just spend all day in a state xxx

12

I am the same, I keep thinking how

Happy I could be if this was gone or I knew I was ok but Im too scared of bad news to go find out! Plus one pain goes and I just replace it with another. I feel the same about CBT but Ill try anything at the minute. I just want my life back xx

13

And like you i question doctors 🙈 i read the google s*** then believe it and tell the doctor what i have read... then when they try to reassure me i end up not believing them, and when i leave and get home il say to my partner "i need to make another appointment because i forgot to say this or that" its madness it really is. Reassurance used to work at the beginning from the doctors but slowly over 2 years its gotvto the point where i dont even trust the doctor. I cant watch medical dramas coz it makes me worse, cant watch soaps if they have someone with "C" in it, if i hear of some young people round my age with it straight away i think "oh my god thats going to happen to me". I hear someone mention symptoms and straight away i have them or have had them 😠 xx

14

Omg Nicola, I too have had all these cancers aswell as osophogeal and pancreatic. My partner has also threatened to have the Internet took out to stop me from googling. Hate been like this xx

15

Hiya lisa haha its bloody horrible isnt it😠... my partner is so supportive and has tried his best to understand me and support me but theres only so much someone can do to help, then i think we have to try and help ourselves, just remembered two more since the list... lung and osophogeal like you 🙈. I was that convinced a few months ago that i had throat cancer i got referred to ent for a camera up my nose and an ultrasound on my neck (shameful) but was convinced. I had a chest xray not long ago as i thought i had lung cancer... litrally burst into tears when they called me in to have the xray done as i was convinced i had it... felt so stupid, people dont understand how distressing it is, at least we all understand eachother on here and can offer support xxx😊

16

Yes just the other day I had an appt then came home convinced shed missed something because Id forgot to mention something! My partner pointed out shed examined me so she would have noticed herself but I get myself so wound up. Ah Lung I forgot that one! I always read the statistics but they mean nothing because people still get them which means I have no less chance than anyone else in my eyes! I totally understand about the xray fears, thats my biggest problem atm not going to the doctors cause I fear the results of tests Before I even go im 100% convinced in my mind its mets xx

17

Hello Lucy, I understand exactly how you are, I relate to everything you are experiencing.

I have googled worried, avoided doctors too scared to go, have had every ache and pain you can possibly imagine, as you say replacing one pain with another.

I have had everything from cancer to MS, heart problems, and more,

This all started when I was just 20yrs old, My best friend died of ovarian cancer, rare in one so young, and the following year my little neice also died of cancer she was just 10. Followed by my brother dying of a heart attack at 45.

So this was the trigger.

I am now 65 and although I have some health issues, they are not life threatening, I have wasted 45 yrs of my life, allowing Fear to rule me, but my point is I am still here, all these years later, still alive and,kicking, someone once said, "you have nothing to fear except fear itself",

That is such a true statement, all those hours lookingmup symptoms, when I could have been out enjoying myself.

Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you stop googling, whatever you have or dont have, wont change because you spend hours checking it, but what will happen if you stop checking is, that you will get some extra hours a day to live your life. I try these days to stop googling, reading, and checking myself, poo and all, and just enjoy a the day,

The more we dwell on our symptoms the worse they become. I still have awful anxiety, still avoid doctors, still notice every ache and pain, still worry, have heart palps and all the things that go with anxiety, but these days what I also have is a life. I try to live every day as it comes, and think to myself, ok am I well enough to say walk the dog, and get on and do it. I try to plan my days so I dont get too mucn thinking time.

I try to meditate, eat healthily, and enjoy the life I have, while I have it. I have wasted far too many years poking, probing, reading and stressing over something that so far has never happened, and hopefully never will.

Please find a way get your life back and dont waste it like me. Xx

18

Yes Nicola. It's nice to have support and know your not alone. I too have had chest x ray for suspected lung cancer,; abdominal and internal scan for suspected ovarian cancer. A mammogram and countless blood tests. I literally convince myself I have these illnesses. I've even thought I can't carry on like this and had suicide thoughts. Anxiety is a terrible illness, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Big hugs xxx

19

Thank you for that positive statement xxx

20

Just read your post and everything you say is so right😊 it is so hard though isnt it... im convinced at the mo ive either got cervical cancer or ovarian and just waiting for a referral😠. Ive started on meds now as ive just gone worse in 2years and i have to at least try something for my partner and two children. I need to be the happy, loud fun mum and partner that i was 2 and half year ago... dont know what the hell went wrong to be honest, its mind boggling. Another thing that really really gets me mad is when people use the word " hypercondriac"... errrrrm no not at all it is an actual anxiety disorder health anxiety and its actual dread of having an illness NOT wanting to have an illness. Xx