I'm not really sure what forum this is appropriate for and it will probably be unintelligible rambling but I just want to get some things off my chest and see if anyone can relate to anything. I'm a 19 (very almost 20) y/o female who has been struggling for a long time with an array of things. I've always had a pretty low self esteem and a hard time building connections with people which is why I used to think that going to university would give me a positive fresh start. But before I started uni over a year ago I started getting all these crazy gut problems and infections (I won't go into detail on here). Because doctors were unable to help I took a holistic approach and decided to strictly regulate my diet. However attempting to start uni and a new life style change simultaneously didn't go to plan. I was in catered halls which meant I couldn't food shop/cook for myself. I ended up not going to dinner because I didn't want to not be in control over what I ate, and also because I struggled to join in conversations with my peers. I further isolated myself because I stopped going out pretty soon into the year. I went through a phase where I literally starved myself and couldn't walk a few blocks without having to stop every 10 seconds. I wanted to drop out of uni to focus on regaining my health but decided to stick it out till the end of the year. I didn't achieve much in the year though as I didn't have the mental or physical capacity to study properly or even attempt making friends, so all I did was survive and suffer in silence (I picked up coping mechanisms which helped me through it). I dropped out of uni after my first year and am now struggling to get my life on track. I have no confidence in the work place because I am slow at processing instructions and get overwhelmed from simple tasks easily (possibly because I'm dyspraxic). I've had horrible experiences from the times I've attempted part time work in the past which have made me very anxious about working. Despite this I really want to become a social worker/nurse, I do a bit of volunteering at a club for mentally disabled people, and I was recently accepted the position of a care assistant in a nursing home after an interview. However I already feel like I've set myself up for failure, especially because I'm already having problems completing the pre-job paper work correctly (I mean how will I survive on the actual job??) I don't want to mess this up as I desperately want a job so I can stop mooching off my parents (I have no independence whatsoever and my mum has always done EVERYTHING for me) and actually contribute to society and move closer towards my goals, but the odds are not in my favor and I feel like I will humiliate myself like I always do. I have no friends left except for one (who deep down I know I don't really have anything in common with). Never had a boyfriend, just a handful of negative sexual experiences. I often feel extreme loneliness that is almost paralyzing. I have so much anxiety around my future in terms of my health, a career, and relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm just not cut out for the world which puts me into a suicidal mind set (although I couldn't commit suicide as I can't bear thinking about the guilt and grief it would cause others). I don't think I have depression (as in a chemical imbalance in my brain), but I'm just not sure if I can see a way out of this mess. Recently I've been feeling so painfully stupid, ashamed and alone. Thank you if you took the time to read this, maybe it will make some sense.
Hi HarriSiggy, it sounds like you are going through a lot of issues at the moment.
Have you been to a doctor to get any help? I’m sure they could suggest some support groups to help you with your situation as well as advice on the depression/ suicidal thoughts.
It sounds good that you are keeping active by doing the volunteering, though I think you might be being a bit harsh on yourself. The more familiar you get with a role, the more confidence you’ll develop.
I know what it is like to feel isolated and as though things are overwhelming, so I really hope things improve for you.
Matt
Try looking at the “MIND” website, there is a number to find out about services/support local to you. In my area we have a very good “Time to Talk” service but as far as I can make out it is only in West Sussex. I am awaiting some therapy through them myself.If you feel you could talk to your GP I’m sure they could refer you to an appropriate support service. You don’t have to take anti-depressants, coping strategies can help.Just taking the first step (as it’s the weekend look up “Mind” ) will make you feel that you are helping yourself, doing something positive and put you on the road to improving your confidence. You could also google “Dyspraxia” - I’m sure there must be organisations which have help lines and offer advice and support. Good luck.
Hi harrisiggy, i think you need support because your misunderstood and can’t explain why life is so tough. Maybe you do have Dyspraxia, it’s tough to diagnose but i have been through that diagnosis 9 years ago. I would seek support for yourself really to help to understand what difficulties you have. It doesn’t matter if you get a diagnosis of dyspraxia, Dyslexia or what, people need to accept you for who you are. Good luck let us know how you get on.
Wow,has this been written by me while I was possible asleep? Joking, but sounds just so similar to my situation, the only difference would be that I’m a year younger and didn’t have so far gut infections but I do have gastritis and have to watch my eating so that probably leaves us only with the age difference there 
Ah, and i already had a boyfriend once but really that was more a series of disappointing sexual experiences xD. I’m in Germany and started 11th grade here, in a new school and went there for 2 weeks before having a nervous breakdown, I stopped going and it’s been more than a month now, I don’t really think I can handle going again. I’ve also always had problems building relationships and was very surprised that I actually found this great group of friends right away (ok, maybe that didn’t happen to you) but I feel now we’ll naturally part even tho I still want to have contact with them, which is really a pity. But anyway,I also feel so terrified from everything, the future mostly that I get suicidal thoughts, but every time I go in that direction, a person or something my sister or someone else had said pops into my brain and I cannot do it pretty much. Now I get panicked attacks kind of easily and right now feel I have no stable friends. I feel lonely because of that. (Ok, just wanted to support my claim there hahah) I feel the same, I didn’t feel I could handle stuff, like even doing my homework because I would always procrastinate and it created so much anxiety and lowered my already low self esteem. And here I am, my mom did and still does everything for me, which sadly isn’t an overexaggeration. I’ve been diagnosed with Attention Deficit disorder once but they don’t give me meds because the others think other things and are not sure, but anyway. I’m not sure what to tell you, honestly,lol, you seemed to perhaps want someone to relate to this? :)) So hey, do you want to be friends? You don’t have to accept this offer of course, especially i can see how this post could feel fake but you could read my other posts here and yeah (tho they are actually different soo ahh) so if you’d like to, feel free to message me ^^
I’d say it’d be good for you to go to a mental health specialist. It might be a long way, or a shorter one, who knows I guess? Yeah, I’d advice you that, perhaps therapy and maybe medication could help support you on your way ^^ Take care!