Over the past 6 years i've come into some pretty unexpected health issues, the worst of which being anxiety which quickly developed into panic disorder. It started shortly after having my first daughter, and I had a massive panic attack for absolutly no reason. Over the next 12 weeks I suffered a panic attack almost daily, sometimes several in one day to varying degrees of intensity. Back then it was just your typical panic attack, which for anyone who has them is anything but a typical reaction. They were scary and uncomfortable making me feel like I couldn't breathe, like I was choking and about to pass out. I would get sweaty and shakey and quite a few times I landed in the hospital feeling quite certain that this time was the end for me. Eventually I got them under control with a good dose of zoloft and lorazepam as needed. The zoloft helped with preventing them but the lorazepam kicked them in the butt when they did happen. For a while I was only getting them once or twice a month and then they werent so bad that I couldn't talk myself through them.
Fast forward to 2015 and I became pregnant with my second child. In that time I had been switched from lorazepam to klonopin in hopes that the longer half life would make it so my body didnt become dependant on it, but seeing as how I was pregnant it was the logical thing to do to stop taking klonopin to avoid harm to my baby. I didn't know then that this pregnancy would turn out to be one of the worst times in my life. I ended up with clinically severe morning sickness that didnt go away until after my baby was born. I couldnt eat or keep even water down and ended up in the e.r. with really bad dehydration and malnutrition. I lost 47lbs during the pregnancy and my anxiety became so severe that I ended up having to go back on the klonopin around 7 months. One reason it came back so badly is because I developed an extremely high heart rate and practically lost my ability to move without sending my pulse into the 160s or higher. My blood pressure was fairly normal but my heart rate would skyrocket over the littlest things. At that time they werent comfortable putting me back on the klonopin, so they changed my zoloft and I tried paxil and prozac, hydroxyzine, buspar and a few others. All the med changes made my anxiety hit the roof and I ended up telling my OB if I didnt go back to my previous medications I was going to go over the edge. So they put me back on zoloft and klonopin and while this didnt stop the high heart rate, it helped the anxiety tremendously and I could function again. They did ekg and checked me for blood clots, did a 24 hour holter monitor and found only a high heart rate and occassional PVCs. They assured me all was well and that it would most likely return to normal when the baby was born. They were right, for about a week. My heart rate plummeted into the 50s and since this was no longer MY normal is scared the crap out of me. More EKGs and nothing was found. For months I had episodes of tachycardia beyond 150bpm along with a nasty case of postpartum depression and again my anxiety was high. But i took my zoloft every day and with the klonopin i was able to get through it once they put me on a beta blocker to slow down my heart rate. It works except for first thing in the morning I have tachy from 120-150 for anywhere from half an hour to a few hours, but generally on the lesser side most days.
Now, about a month ago, my GP left the practice and I had to get a new GP. The only one accepting patients immediately was the one i'm now seeing. The first thing she told me when I met her was that she absolutly never prescribes benzodiazepines. Period. She said I would be sent home with a script for 10 pills and them my klonopin would be gone. Of course this raised my anxiety level as she was taking away a big crutch for me, but my anxiety was well under control at that point and I was comfortable trying it. Until about 3 weeks ago when the panic attacks came back with a vengeance. I woke up one morning and my heart rate was a bit high, though I was used to that so it didn't particularly bother me. I noticed I was feeling fairly lightheaded but chalked it up to the high heart rate along with the fact that I had woken up covered in sweat. This is unusual for me, but it is summer and I tried to let it go. I was doing ok until I saw my reflection in the mirror and saw that I had absolutly no color in my face. My lips were white as paper and my skin was almost ashen. I flipped. My panic went to a whole new level and I ended up calling 911. I told them I had a blood pressure monitor and they asked me to use it. My bp was 150/110. Seeing as how i had never seen my blood pressure go above 120/80, this was quite scary for me. Thoughts raced and bad thoughts pushed their way in and I came to the conclusion that this was really it, i was going to die and I was home alone with my two young kids. They were going to have to watch me die. I had never been more scared in my life. But by the time the EMTs got to my house I had calmed down, my heart rate had settled and my blood pressure had dropped signifigantly. They were convinced it was a bad panic attack and didn't see a need for me to go to the hospital.
Since that day I had not gone more than 12 hours without a panic attack and have had a massive attack at lease every other day. In this 3 weeks i've called my doctor dozens of times, but she never has any openings. She has prescribed me hydroxyzine which did nothing, buspar which made me too dizzy and now i'm taking gabapentin which also seems to be doing nothing to prevent the attacks and seroquel which makes me tired and seems to help calm me down, but it doesnt last long and before i know it i'm having another panic attack. Through all of this and several trips to the emergency room, i've had another 24 hours holter which came back normal except with tachycardia and 4 EKGs which all show normal. They've done blood tests and checked my thyroid, my kidneys and my blood count as well as a few other things. I've spoken with a crisis councelor and am now on the waiting list to see a regular counselor and start treatment for my anxiety. However, in the mean time I am watching my life slip away, i'm trying new meds and nothing is helping. My doctor refuses to give me any type of benzo and even said that if it's bad enough to need a benzo she could admit me if she wanted. So i'm scared to push any harder, but i can barely function. My heart rate is scaring the crap out of me and these attacks are making it impossible to take care of my kids so much so that I now go to my parents every day so that i dont have to be home alone. Im normally a very happy, fun and somewhat eccentric person but I can't even fake a smile anymore. I'm scared that it will never get better and i fear the next attack almost constantly. To make it all worse, my family doesnt understand and i am, unfortunately, blessed with a family who thinks all their problems are worse than anyone else's so theyre really no help at all. They tell me to just get over it, that its not as bad as i make it seem. But i feel like i have a legitimate reason to be scared of the way my heart is acting. My fiance tries to help, but hes busy with work and cant be around when i need him to be. When he is, he tries to talk me out of the panic and tells me there is nothing wrong and i dont need a doctor and reminds me of all the tests that showed i was ok. While this helps somewhat, it also makes me feel like hes telling me im crazy which is what everyone else does.
Ive been through these attacks before, but they never had a heart rate issue with them. I always had klonopin or lorazepam to help get me through until my anxiety settled back down. This time i have nothing and no one is listening. The only person in the world that i trust cant be there for me, as he needs to work to support us all. My doctor is waving it all off like im just complaining and wont take my worries about my heart seriously and she refuses to give me the things i already know work. Instead im trying all these other things that are causing nasty side effects and making my panic worse than it was before. I feel alone and i cant get the thought out of my head that im going to end up dead and nobody cares because they all think im just whining. I feel like the girl who cried wolf but i also feel like i cried wolf for a reason. There is something going on with my heart, and i am willing to accept that its not dangerous just as soon as they prove it to me. My doctor doesnt see the need for an echo or a stress test and says im far too young to have any heart problems. It started when i was pregnant and very veru sick due to the pregnancy and i worry that it may be something structurally wrong istead of electrically wrong, like cardiomyopathy or something like that. Ive never been a healthy eater, i smoke and im somewhat over weight. My maternal grandfather died of congestive heart failure in his 60s. My biological father has heart problems, though i dont know him so ive never asked exactly what they are, but i know his father died fairly young of sudden cardiac death secondary to heart failure and several heart attacks. All of this only makes me worry more as i know it runs in my family, on both sides.
They did find that i have a UTI, and im on antibiotics for that now but i cant see any way that a UTI would effect my panic attacks before i even knew i had it. I dont get symptoms with a UTI like most people so i dont know i have one until they test my urine. No pain, no burning, no fever (in fact i never get fevers. Not even when i had strep throat or the flu) no nothing. So i have to be tested regularly as im very prone to UTIs and especially ones involving the kidneys. Ive had 3 episodes of minor blood infections after the UTIs got so bad the bacteria got into my blood stream and had to have IV antibiotics for that. Ive also had strep throat so badly that it almost killed me because I was 17 and nobody would listen and take me to a doctor. It got into my lungs and i ended very sick because of it. One doctor in the e.r. mentioned the possibility that i had complications from the strep throat, possibly rhuematic fever but they wouldnt be able to test for it all these years later. However he said that the cardiac complications from that generally dont show up for years after the rhuematic fever goes away and that the stress on my heart from the pregnancy could have brought it out.
So basically im very worried about my heart and my anxiety is through the roof. I cant function and nobody will help me.