Hello all. I found out last week that my right TKR is to be done on March 6th, so not long to wait. Im trying to keep myselfoccupied with strengthening exercises, organising the household, batch cooking etc, just to take my mind off things From the very start, my husband, of 33 years, has "said" hes right behind me, supporting me in all my decisions (I've been off work sick due to severe arthritis since Sept 2014, and am being made redundant on May 12th 2015!!) yet last night he turned round and said hes sick of the "poor me" act!! Im bloody gobsmacked, and not really sure how I should feel. I need his support in this, Ive tried to get him to read some of the blogs/personal experiences from this lovely forum, and also tried to get him to watch a "YouTube" of a TKR, but he just says he knows what it involves and doesnt need to do anything else.
Im sure that, having read plenty of other peoples experiences, that the emotional cyclone that Im going through is normal, but tonight I feel like a complete wreck and cant stop crying......
I'm sure you are both under a lot of strain. Having been married for 38 years and now both retired my husband and myself have times like yours. We get on each others nerves. He may be scared himself and is burying his head in the sand. Many men don't want to know the details, they can be quire squeamish. Is there anywhere you could get away for a few days. Perhaps to a family member or friend. Sometimes a few days apart helps. You will need all the emotional as well as practical help that you can get after the op so need to sort this out soon. Good luck.
It's tough having to go through this on your own, so to speak. Unfortunately some folks just can't face this type thing because of uncertainty. A long time banker of mine couldn't handle his wife's breast cancer and subsequent double mastectomy. She was a beautiful, athletic lady and the scar was just too much for him to handle and their marriage wound up in divorce. He lost so much of his persona of the successful business man and so many lost respect for him he left town. When my wife had to have a single mastectomy it all happened so fast that we hardly had time to think. The oncologist was a classmate of my son and I had known him since he was a kid. Instead of trying to give me a crash course on the after effects of the surgery he sort of gently educated me with some literature and let me get comfortable. I feel that sometimes the fear of the touch and view of something like this when its happening to someone you love, is really more difficult on the non surgery person than the one being operated on. Be patient and let him move into it at his pace and he'll finally come around. He may never be able to change dressings or massage the area but the compassion and caring will come. Blessings
hi I am 2 week's into having a partial knee replacement and my husband has been a total let down. It almost feels like he is jealous I have had an op and can't do much...moaning he needs decent food when he gets in from work and not offering to cook me anything. One morning I was up early which is usual as I can't sleep and he came to say cheerio and I asked where my usual cup of coffee was and his reply "oh for gods sake I thought you had done that yourself"...I don't know how he expected me to carry it with 2 crutches...I have found myself just getting on with things like washing etc by using my crutches to shove the stuff along the hallway and finding things to just help myself luckily my 30 yr old daughter comes in every day to see me so she helps but he hasn't hoovered or anything...I must say I am surprised at him as he is a fabulous bloke usually but I normally do everything around the house and I guess he doesn't like the fact I can't do it...I too have shed many tears but I will not let him drag me down hope you get sorted or make sure you have other help in place xx
So sorry Terri. Hopefully he'll come to his senses when he sees how he's upset you. Thinking of you.
Kind regards,
Gill X
Oh dear Terri, I think he is burying his head in the sand somewhat. A lot of men are like that and can't cope with illness or hospitals, especially when they have never experienced anything themselves. My own husband doesn't like illness and didn't really like coming to hospital but he did it. I was surprised that he helped with dressing my knee as he is so squeamish. He was very good when I came out of hospital, did cook after a fashion and waited on me. I had never adjective him to do anything before. Probably your husband when he sees that you can't cooe after the op will be different. I think it is sometimes the actual shock factor of how incapacitated you are that will change us mindset. Try not to worry too much about it at the moment. You will be surprised, pleasantly, I am sure by his attitude when you have had it done. Probably he is worried himself, try not to be so hard on him or yourself. Take care xx
Hi terri I think your husband is frightened of the unknown. I think too that you are probably very apprehensive about the op and therefore feeling scared. I had my TKR in April last year and am due to have the other one done. The waiting is really getting me down and somedays I just spend waiting for the phone to ring to tell me I have got a date for the operation. My husband was very good after the first op . He came with me for the pre op and the physio told him what his job would be when I had the op and I think that helps a lot as they seem to listen to other people telling them. Obviously there were days when he didnt do what I thought he should but hey he's a man, (sorry men on here) but you know what I mean and I'm a woman ....enough said. Please dont spend your time getting upset. We are all here for you and want to give you a hug to make it better.
Thanks for replying. I think maybe I get so wrapped up in how scared and apprehensive I am, that I forget he's got to not only try and deal with that, but also his own fears. I probably think he should handle things as I have done, eg when he broke his ankle and was on crutches for weeks and weeks, and my "coping strategy" kicks in, and I organise everyone within a 500 mile readius to within an inch of their life!
Its horses for courses, and just because I cope like that, he certainly doesnt!
Thank you for your words, its hepled me try and look at things from different perspectives.
I hope your wife recovered well.
Oh bless you, you sound like youre having such a rotten time, yet still take time to reply to me. Thank you so much.
I think one of my biggest fears is that hubs doesnt realise the severity of the op and theresfore how prolonged my recovery is likely to be. Hes a great cook, and knows one end of the vacuum from the other, I just think at the moment as I'm off work, I've slipped into the role of homemaker and hes automatically taken a back seat.
Im pleased that you have your daughter to visit you, my girl is 32 and lives just round the corner, so when her work shifts allow she will be helping, and my mum only lives a few miles away and I know that I'll only have to ask and she'll be there like a shot. I realise how fortunate I am in that respect, I was just on a proper downer yesterday.
I really hope you have a healthy recovery and please, if you want to have a little rant you can always PM me, Im happy to listen xx
Thanks Gill, when he saw yesterday that I was still upset, he asked if I'd still got the hump with him! Which made me pretty cross at the time, but I can smile about it today, maybe the little rant I had has released the pressure cooker of my emotions a little! xx
Thanks Susan, I think all I can do for now is go with the flow, and he will have to see for himself how bad things are post op. Just because I choose to investigate everything and have as much knowledge to hand as possible, doesnt mean he has to. And I think the fact that Im doing everything for him now must be earning me some brownie points along the way 
Bless you, waiting for a TKR is bad enough, but a second one when you know exactly what to expect.....
I had wondered about asking him to come to the pre op, but all my other suggestions to educate him about the op have been shrugged off......
Ive started to realise that my expectations are very high, and Im almost expecting him to second guess what I want, and then get upset when he doesnt......its like Im subconsciously setting him up to fail. Now I think about some of the things he HAS done, and I feel a bit bad for having a go at him....
Thanks for your wise words Joan, I really hope you get that telephone call soon, the waiting must be awful for you xx
Thank you terri. Everyone on here will be the first to know when I finally get my date. x
Mine was done 14 weeks ago - when I came home I was in agony, & actually had to go back in hospital 2 days later re a hematoma, which sagged the whole of my top leg down. 5 days later, hardly able to move, I made a GP apointment - who took one look at me bawling my eyes out & asked how my husband was coping looking after me - I said he wasn't, so he called him in, & told him he was going to get social services involved. That did the trick. He assured the GP he didn't realise how serious it all had been, & we didn't need social services & apart from living off toast & Heinz tomato soup for 2 weeks - we muddled through. He brought me ice packs & a hot water bottle for the upper muscles 4 times a day, toast or cereal for breakfast & the soup for lunch & the evening meal (I had very little appetitie anyway due to morphine tablets.) He says he could never have gone through this pain & upset, but is begging me not to have the other knee done (I'm inclined to agree with him!). You'll get there - he will just need a kick up the pants like my husband did!
Thanks.. She recovered quickly and completely from that. Unfortunately she is now in advanced stages of Parkinson's disease from which there is no coming back. Life is what it is so you take the good and bad and live with it as fully as you can.
so sorry you're feeling down
nobody understands this op unless they've gone through it
your other half will surely step up to the mark when he realises what you've gone through after the op
sod him for now and make him suffer with the silent treatment it's better than upsetting yourself arguing
Oooh Heinz Tomato Soup, my favourite 
Its good to know that your GP offerered intervention, its another weapon in the armoury! Your fella sounds as though he really stepped up to the mark in the end, as Im sure mine will - I think he's realised he pushed me a bit far, and Ive realised I can be a bit of a moody mare to say the least 
If you decide to fo for your second TKR, I hope all goes well for you - maybe he will expand his repertoire to Heinz Cream of Chicken for you!
Thanks Jean, Im happy to report im feeling a whole heap better tonight, maybe its the Full Moon.....
Youre so right about not understanding unless youve been through it - I've been doing stacks of research for months, but I still get pulled up short sometimes - one comment I read somewhere last week about having a Spinal anaesthetic, and being able to smell burning bone as they were sawing away......good grief!!
Hes taken himself off upstairs to watch the Footy tonight, so Im sat all chilled, a million miles away from last nights tornado!
Thanks for you comments, it helps so much when others understand the little meltdowns xx
I had spinal and a sedative and remember thinking ....fancy having the builders in next door ...lol...I must have been really spaced out
Apart from that all I remember ...is going to the recovery room and feeling great ...because they brought me a cup of tea.
jean
ps ...I hope it's not a full moon ...I don't fancy going out on the rooftops tonight ....too cold