Feeling extremely depressed

Mental health
1

So.. today I brought my sister to a local party, a sort of a "village festival" where people drink, talk and eat for 4 days.

After I left her I saw teenagers of 2-3 years younger than me (I'm 19) laughing in groups and I had this feeling like I missed something.

I thought, "Why didn't I attend those parties when everybody else of my age did?" I grew angry and I was frustrated.

I arrived home, alone, and I started to feel like the responsibilities are waiting for me. After all, the last week of school is about to start, then I have to find myself a job that surely enough will make me feel stupid, lonely as hell and I will regret that I missed what my sister is living. Actually, I'm already regretting it.

Every single time I look at my sister I feel lonely. She has a lot of friends that seem to be so nice, they all want to hang out with her. I envy her, sometimes but at the same time I feel happy for her.

I don't know why but all the people that are interested in me run away from me after a while. They just don't like me. I passed all my life seeing people come and leaving but none of them stayed.

Ever since I was born: my parents left us with our grandparents when I was 3 months old to "to find a job in another country" (I first met my dad when I was 6). I saw my mom every 2 years or so and I never had that intimacy or confidence with either of them, It's like they are uncles to me. It's very hard for me to talk about my "private life" with them.

I remember perfectly how I cried the days when my mother left us, several times. Unfortunately, I remember even the lies she told me. Some nights I cry in my bed thinking about those times.

My grandfather was(and maybe he still is) violent towards her wife. I remember how he used the beat her after he came drunk home. I remember how her grey hair fell to the ground and how he pushed her to the wall.

This is the first time I speak/write about these things.

(Anyways) I never had a so-called "best friend".

There's a girl that seemed so interested to meet me. But she found someone better.

What do I do that they hate so much? That they can't stand? 

This is killing me.

P.s.: I jumped from a topic to another, sorry, I just wanted to talk...

2

Hi John, I'm glad you found this site so that you can share your thoughts with us, you sound like a very good brother,and I think that things will change when you have a job, you will meet new people and maybe new friends,stop putting yourself down, maybe the girl thought you weren't interested and so moved on, is there nobody you can talk to and get things off your chest, it sounds like you have been let down so many times that you expect the worst, if you need to chat I'm always on here, good luck with your job hunting 😊

3

Well JohnKeith.  You sound like you are lacking in self confidence - only you can believe in yourself and gain this, noone else can give this to you on a plate. So what if someone else has apparently nice friends; so what?!  There are more things in  life than being the soul of the party. Does that say anything about you or your life? One thing is for sure... if you go around comparing yourself to what you think others have and you consider you dont, you are going to make yourself seriously unhappy. Carrying hate will only mess with you, not them. Hating is a way of expressing anger, that anger comes from lack of confidence and feelings of loneliness. Go and do something about it then. If friends walk away then they either arent good friends anyway, or you are being unreasonable to them in some way. Learn from this and change your approach to friendship.  People tend to go where the fun is, not always, but usually.  You may have had a really bum deal with your family, but the WORST thing you can do now with your life is to throw it away blaming other people (parents, grandparents, siblings, lovers...). Many successful and happy people have had the misfortune or very unhappy or terrible childhoods, but they have had to take that pain and use it for something positive for their own lives. The power to all of this is in your own hands JK. You are still young, anything is possible for you if you believe in yourself.  Dont place your destiny in other people's hands, or bury it with your past.  Pete

4

Thanks for your reply Pete,

I know, I shouldn't be blaming my relatives for what I'm currently passing through.

And I know that my self-confidence level is bellow zero, but I don't know how to get out of this.

5

Thanks a lot, Trina!

Yes.. I always see the worst part of a person I meet.. 

Always let down..

6

Well...I just gave you some advice of how to do that. You need to look at self image self esteem and self righting. Flesh it out best you can. Worst thing you can do is be hard on yourself and just give up. Look at what you do best...do it better. Look at what you enjoy....do it more. Stop the self destruction and self loathing. You are unique and no one else can do what you do. Let the world know who you are and what you can do!

7

Hey John, have you ever talked to your sister about how you feel? 

It's surprising sometimes, how siblings deal completely differently with the same situation. You've gone inward, your sister outward - neither is right or wrong.

It's natural that you look at others and think they're doing it better than you, that's very human, and anxiety/depression adds another element of "are they talking about me??" 

I grew up envying my brother for his simple outlook on life, but actually - it turns out - he was jealous of certain aspects of my life!! So don't ever presume that other people's lives are better, easier, that they're more popular etc.. you only have to look at those on social media with 1000+ "friends" Do you really think that those people are sane?! They have HUGE anxieties!!

The reason that you're uncomfortable with people is because you're a Thinker. For some reason (I know this well, and so does everyone else on here) others seem to be able to pick up on this, and it makes them uncomfortable.

It's natural to compare yourself to others, honestly that never stops. The beauty of life is to accept it as it is.... I go from hating being different to loving it - it's a week on week thing.

If you can get the right job now, with cool people you can be honest with, who'll get that some days you might struggle, all could go well from this point. What sort of thing can do go for?

All the very best to you xxx

p.s. find the right moment, talk to your sis?

 

8

Now that you've told me I'll give it a try. I'll try to talk to her, we're particularly close for some things.. I don't know how she'll react.

Thanks a lot!

9

John

I feel very sorry for you. I know a little about depression and related issues now, and strongly recommend you try counselling / psychotherapy to uncover / release / understand deep feelings from your young life. You are still young enough to break quite free and fulfil your potential.

Although my early life / youth was very different to your story, I am about to start an extended course of psychotherapy, which has given me great hope for my long-term challenges. Don't leave it as long as I did!

From what I read of you, I would also suggest you make sure you get psychotherapy / counselling, NOT so much CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy, which many people regard as a type of psychotherapy).

The doctor in London I saw very helpfully described CBT as about 'thinking', psychotherapy about 'feelings' - the latter was very much what I need.

Of course I am not a professional, so go see your g.p.

Good luck, and God bless you my friend.

10

Thanks a lot, BT,

good luck to you too!