I know people here will understand.... I've observed in others that a big part of aging is a series of losses. Now, I've got aging and PMR and the losses are getting to me. I have a strong spiritual life which values acceptance of reality and gratitude for what I have. That's gotten my this far. This morning, though, as I was waking up, I had a pleasant fantasy about a situation in need of help and started developing a plan as to how I could step in and help. That's always been a core value for me, and a great source of satisfaction. Then, reality set in - my plan would necessitate lifting and physical labor that I can no longer do safely. THIS MF HAS EVEN TAKEN MY DREAMS! A line from Langston Hughes, "Hold fast to dreams, for when dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." It didn't help that my love chose today to let me know that my hair is thinning in the back. I started screaming, "I can't take one more thing!" But, of course I can. Like I have, and like you all do. It's been a few hours, and I'm getting my emotional equilibrium back, but just want you all to know that I am grateful to have found a compassionate group of people who actually understand. Thank you.
Hi Susan, I think most of us know how you feel and have been through the same emotions and sense of loss for what we used to be and could do. Somehow we have to learn to accept that life is now different and try to concentrate on what we can do rather than what we can't. Easier said than done!
I'm in the UK and up at this hour (currently 3am) because my sleep cycle us so messed up at the moment. I have GCA (and before that, PMR) and apart from the symptoms of that, my immune system is now so compromised that I pick up all kinds of infections which lay me even lower. I've been on high doses of prednisolone for a long time, and an awful 6 months of Methotrexate, which made me feel as if my body had completely given up.
I get very frustrated and sometimes a bit depressed that yet again I'm reduced to spending my day lying on the sofa, too tired and unwell to do anything.
But then I pick up again and do things I like. I've developed my painting skills to the point where I even sell the odd painting and that's something I've only been able to do because I'm now no longer working due to the GCA.
So, before I ramble on too much, we all have bad periods when we feel that "it's not fair", but we have to learn to live with it, otherwise we will end up in a downward spiral of misery. Unfortunately, we need to recognise that we have a different life now and use what energy we have wisely. Make new dreams!
I made the mistake of googling "grow old gracefully".
I don't know why I googled. I have no intention of growing old gracefully. I'll kick and scream at everything lost .... if I can remember what it was.
I fully understand Susan. When I do vent my anger/frustration, it happens so quickly i even shock myself. It is usually over as quick as it started. My husbands eyes bulge and he marches off like him in Faulty Towers. That usually brings me back to earth.
There are more dreams to be had. We can't cling to the old - but hopefully we will improve in the future and we can return to our old dreams.
My Rheumy says I will be over this by May next year(2years). If I am not, I know I will have to make changes. My fantasy is 'house sitting' a small property in a warm climate, where I can lay in a hammock, read books, sleep and give into my lethargy for awhile.
I like it! However, CAN you kick - that takes energy?!
Don't forget the "dog walking", feeding the hamster, cleaning the cat toilet, removing dog dirt from the garden, etc etc!
in a sort of metaphorical, laid back, age sensitive, way .... and minus the football.
We all feel sorry for ourselves at times. "I can't take one more thing". Yes, you can. You've coped thus far and survived so you'll just cope with the other things age throws at you.
Do you live in England? There are lots of voluntary things you can do that don't involve lifting and physcal labour. There are so many worse off than us. Doesn't help to know that when we are sufferng ourselves, but....!
Hi Susan, sometimes it's ok to feel sorry for yourself and I think the problem arises when some people wallow in it. Yes PMR, steroid induced Diabetes, slowing down phsically and yet in my head I'm 38 yrs old lol. My body is not in sync with what my head tells me lol. I have lost confidence, lost the ability to walk the distance I want to, also to jump in the car and away I go. Most things I have to plan. The only rountine I have is that there is none lol.
But like yourself, I am so grateful, I'm alive and breathing, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and heat when I need it. I try to focus on the positive, like yourself and I will never give up or give in to PMR, yes I accept it in the meantime, but am aiming to get better and get to zero pred. My goal is remission. Grieve yes, I think we need to. And yet PMR is a new beginning, why, I do not know and maybe I'll never know, so I accept it in the meantime. Always in the meantime. Regards and good health to all. Pat
It is very depressing to know that tomorrow will probably be pretty much
like today. I give myself a little pep talk every am. after shedding a few tears.
Then I tell myself that I am approaching 80 and lucky to still be in this
world where I can talk to and see most of my children, grandchildren and
even some greats....
I think acceptance is the buzz word we need to keep in mind.....tomorrow
is another day and might just be better than today....
Live in U.S. And, thank you, I am not at a loss of things to do, including useful service. I still own and run a restaurant, only now when I go shopping, I take a young former farmgirl with me who does all the lifting, and I've hired an executive chef to take much of the stress off me. My emotional pain wasn't so much the inability to do anything, it was being hit, suddenly, by one more limit.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas
Not the best advice, perhaps.
Hi, I hope you are feeling better now : I know how you feel, guess we all do. I have just had PMR and GC since April, and I am still coming to terms with it at 68 years old. Whole new life change in everything. I had my 1st melt down last Saturday over something really small and silly: But after a good cry, I felt better; We will all have those days. And yes, thank god for this wonderful understnding site : Thank you
I got PMR at 51 - so hardly 'aging'....fit as a fiddle (doing triathlons!) so I suffer from that frustration daily. I had not planned on spending my 50s feeling ill and taking so many drugs - and getting FAT!
All my energy goes into getting to work each day and trying to see my family (my first two baby granddaughters!).
Forget trying to help others, it's time we let others help us! :-)