Hi y'all, me again -
I've had a handful of feelings for the past month that have been driving me crazy.
First off, some background - my girlfriend and I both work. This month, she'll start 2 jobs at 59-62 hours a week for a month. I've been working 2 jobs at 62-80 hours a week since early July. She's textbook packaging and retail. I'm food service and retail.
For whatever reason, I get frustrated/envious when her job(s) are busier than mine. Whenever she says she's been really busy, I get defensive. She's never worked these long hours before, and I've been doing it for about 3 years now. I find myself constantly asking if they were busy, if she's doing okay and if she can handle these jobs.
I'm not sure why, but it keeps happening - just a constant slew of these questions brewing in my mind.
Perhaps it's something like - "you don't know busy" or "I've done long schedules like this for 5 years in a tourist town" this sort of "you don't know busy because I've been busier than this" entitled bulls*** attitude.
Secondly, I don't want to underestimate her. I'm worried about her health and these hours, yet, it seems my frustrated behavior is winning over my supportive behavior. I don't openly demean her or would I ever do that, I always give my support and offer to get her anything on days I can - but I always ask about work. It's all I have going on at the moment - I don't have the time and energy to hang out with friends, and, besides, they work too. It's work, eat, sleep and, occasionally, see my girlfriend. She's the one I talk to the most since a lot of my friends are also too busy to see one another (also I'm moving out of state in a month and this is the last summer I'll be home).
So those are the 2 things going on; Work and Girlfriend. The two are intertwining and interferes with how often we see one another. She also get's tired really easily and we don't get to do a lot of stuff together. Everyone can handle different things but, my frustration is making me irritable.
These feelings have made me cycle back and forth to "I have toxic behavior" to "I am a toxic person" to "It's just anxiety/depression" to "it's just how life is right now and I'm adjusting to it."
I, really, have nothing else to focus on outside of work and her. I'm too tired to do anything else.
I hate this and I know it'll get better when I'm done with this insane schedule, but, right now, it's really bothering me. I don't want to be a toxic person nor do I want to do anything to hurt my girlfriend. I love her and want the best for her and I'm sick of these thoughts and this frustration.
I'm thinking it's stress/anxiety/current life situation - but are these just excuses? Am I actually a s****y, petty person?