Hi there,
My name is Dave, and I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and it's now at a point where I need to get some help or I don't know what I am going to do.
I'll start by giving you my story, I'll keep it as short as I can.
The first point I call recall is at the age of 10, up until that point, I'd always had a lot of friends, and was what I would call a normal kid, I had 2 separate groups of friends, and we were set to go on a school trip away for a week, so I had to choose between the 2 groups, I selected a group of four of us, that was purely for allocation of rooms when we were away. The teachers decided that I was to bunk with a guy called Adrian and that's where it all started. Because he wasn't in my other circle of friends, all of the other children decided that we were gay, bear in mind this was in the early 90s and things were not as open as they are today. The ridicule lasted for months leading up to this, and you know how nasty children can be.
After the trip, we finished at junior school and moved on, and I didn't have any contact with who I had previously thought were my friends again and still haven't spoken to any of them since.
I then started secondary school where I was a loner for pretty much the entire duration, I did make a couple of friends at a couple of points, but was later thrown aside for better things, having been bullied and picked on through my entire time there, primarily because I was quiet and not willing to speak up for myself, having been punched, kicked a few times but still refusing to fight back because what's the point.
I then started working full time in retail for 13 years at the same place where I was stepped over time and time again for opportunities because I was unable to speak up for myself although I was the most knowledgable and hard working person there.
Outside of work in my personal life I struggled, at the age of 28 I had still not had a girlfriend, struggled going out socially at all, but did have a small group of "friends" who I would say were more associates who I just worked on cars with but never told them anything about myself for fear of their response.
During this time from 10 even still until now my parents would regurlally argue and row with each other and me and my sister but rather than an argument then an apology, they would just not speak to each other or me for months on end. To a point where I would do something minor like break a plate, my dad would not speak to me for 3 months, ignoring my existence.
At 28 I finally did meet a girl, a girl behind the bar in the local pub, she was 5 years my senior and I was quite happy I finally met someone, we saw each other for a few weeks although she was always insistent that it was kept quiet which I thought nothing of. We slept together after a month or so then she decided to tell me it was a mistake and we should forget it happened. I later found out she was the local bike and it was her mission to sleep with everyone from the pub, none of my mates had told me at the time, but we're quite happy telling me afterwards.
Because I'm a soft touch, me and this girl became good friends and were close for 18 months or so until she met a steady boyfriend then she just blocked my existence. I then spent the next 9 months in relative solitude until she called saying she had split up with her partner and could I help her remove his stuff. Me being the fool agreed explaining that this couldn't happen again. Sure enough 6 months later she met someone else and I was thrown aside again.
During this time, I had a series of debts come on top of me which I was unable to cope with due to my state of mind I just kept spending money in an attempt to try and cheer myself up.
I had a complete breakdown and had nowhere to turn, I sought help from my gp and all he did was put me in a group therapy session which I told him I couldn't cope with so I never turned up and stopped seeing the gp.
I continued an on off relationship with my "mates" just working on cars and going for the odd drink when I felt up to it but never revealing anything about myself knowing that none of them would understand or be willing to discuss it.
That's how things continued up until February last year where I met another girl who I would ultimately be with for 8 months and would take everything from me.
She somehow sensed my depression and took the opportunity to pray in me.
It was ok for the first few days then she asked to borrow some money, starting small, then this continued and built up to more and more filling my head with what I now know to be more and more lies. Now I've learnt of the lies it makes me feel sick that I fell for any of it. I paid for her Nan's funeral who never died, she told me she was diagnosed with cancer, that she was pregnant etc. etc. the list goes on, one day she realised my money had ran out, to the point where she cleared out my savings and wracked up over 10 grands worth of debt in my name, which I have no way of paying back, then she just disappeared off with the guy she had told me she had left because he used to beat her, but it was just a plan between the pair of them to steal from me for heroin apparently and the police refuse to do anything.
I had another breakdown at this point and my parents not knowing what to do threw me out of my home and because of my emotional state I lost my job. I stayed with my sister for a couple of months but she eventually wanted her space back so I found a little flat, but the landlord spends his entire time on coke or weed and doesn't work so I find myself now permanently either at work to pay off her debts or in my little flat on my own unable to cope with anything.
I struggle to sleep, struggle to get up.
My flat is a mess because I can't motivate myself to do anything. I haven't seen any of my mates for over six months because I can't face them. I have ideas of what I want to do but I just can't do them. There's washing up to do but I just can't face it. It just feels easier to ignore things and hope they go away.
I don't know what to do.
Sorry this is a bit long and I'm sure I cut a lot out, but tried to give you an idea of how things are
Thanks for listening
Dave