I suppose I've come to this website both to vent some of the thoughts and feelings that I've been experiencing for the vast majority of my life and perhaps gain an understanding as to why I feel the way I do. I feel like I'm coming to near exhaustion of how to deal with this. Much to my disappointment, the thought of "I'm sure I'll grow out of this" looks less likey than ever. In fact, I'm coming to realise this isn't something that can be out-grown.
I've been suffering with what I think is anxiety for near on 18 years now, well over 2/3 of my whole life. Some of my earliest childhood memories are filled with feelings of dread and panic and when I think back to these times, I remember thinking that this must just be the normal way to feel in response to certain situations. Whilst certain events always triggered these feelings, I could never understand why that was. I still lack this understanding.
I recently visited home for two weeks over Christmas, some three and a half hours away from where I live now. On the days leading up to my departure, to return to where I live now, I began to feel shear panic and a clutch in my chest so severe that upon actually arriving at the train station I could hardly open my mouth to say goodbye to my own mother. This is just one of the many times in my life where these feelings have arisen and often, under totally different conditions and circumstances.
I know that January and the big return to work is often hard for some people as they come down from the joys of recent festivities and feel the reality bump as they wake to their early morning alarm on Monday, but I feel that my feelings far out way the circumstance and always have done.
My feelings also never reach the surface and so it’s often hard for my family or friends to relate to my experiences or even take them seriously. Recently, I have started to open up and question some of my responses to certain situations and whilst the support from my friends has been great, I still feel no closer to leading a normal life. I'm fully aware that its a tremendously sad thing to say, but feeling like this often leaves me with feelings of suicide, more accurately, viewing it as an option. Whilst I have no urges or impulses that I wish to act out upon in relation to this, having it as an option is distressing enough, especially when there are no other options available to end my suffering. I fear that this option will turn into a realistic proposition.
Whilst I have no issue meeting people, I have suffered through countless relationships as I struggle to control my feelings, battled negative and repetitive thoughts on a daily basis and faced shear panic for totally unexplained reasons. I have achieved everything that I have wanted so far in my short years on this planet with the aim of counteracting these thoughts, yet I can never find a settled place both physically and mentally or even find the time to appreciate what I have around me. I'm constantly dogged by a feelings of knowing what emotions lie just under the surface and often worry about the next situation will bring them up. I can't even remember the last good nights sleep I had and I have tried every coping/relaxation/self help strategy in the book. I've approached my GP about this but never really gained the support that I needed.
Reading back on this, I'm aware it’s incredibly vague in details and perhaps lacks example but for me it’s a starting point. I have not come here in search of a cure, just some support or understanding from people who have or do experience the same feelings.