Hello all,
I am a 22 year old female who was diagnosed about 4 years ago when I was 18. I was in an open relationship and in college at the time. I was partying a lot at the time and had a few one night stands and soon enough found out that I had contracted type 1 genitally. This was an extremely emotional time and I could never forget the pain I went through but luckily I got through that, my boyfriend at the time was supportive and more understanding than I could ever have hoped for. We did have unprotected sex a couple of times and he got tested after we broke things off and his results came back negative. I didn't date for a while because I was uncomfortable having "that talk", but then I met the guy I'm with now and we hit it off so well, I fell head over heels in love. We had protected intercourse a couple times as well as unprotected a few times but I packed the nerve to bring it up, I was floating on cloud nine whenever I was around him, he would call me perfect and I had this nagging in the back of my head, I was afraid he would just drop everything and bolt out the door. Finally after about a month in a half I couldn't keep living with the burden and talked to him about it. Obviously he did not take it well but the next day he was willing to talk. He told me he wanted to stay together but if we did we had to ALWAYS be honest with each other and agreed to a no secrets policy. We used condoms for about a month maybe 2, but eventually that happened less and less... I remember the first time he said he understood the risk, but we never really discussed it one on one, which is probably my biggest regret.
Now a year later he is experiencing an outbreak. My heart sunk lower than it ever has when he told me he had something that was bugging him. We had been having sex the last couple days and that morning I woke up feeling itchy and told him we shouldn't have intercourse, and that's when he told me about a rash that had developed down there.
I feel like I was more upset than he was, at least from what he showed. He told me he didn't blame me or want me to feel guilty. His breakout has gotten to its worst stage and he is in a lot of pain, and the thought that I inflicted this onto him is killing me on the inside. We have a great relationship and haven't had any thoughts about breaking up but it's complicated, to have this from the person you love and I am the only one he can talk to about it. I know he is trying not to be angry at me but it's hard to fight off resentment when you're in this position. I am trying to help him as much as I can but obviously there is a lot of tension. I don't know what to say to him because it's not like a friend who is in the same boat that you can relate to because if it weren't for me he wouldn't have it. I don't want to belittle his situation but don't want to make him more scared than he already is. Of course it is comforting to think of us being together forever, but neither of is want to be bound by a condition, an std at that. He has expressed to me fear of not being able to have unprotected sex with his own wife if things fall through between us. All I have been able to do is try and help the pain and listen to him, but I have no one to talk about this with out of respect for his privacy. This is the worst I've felt since I've been diagnosed, I can deal with having it myself but the fact that I brought this much pain on to the person I love is eating me up inside.
I know this isn't much of a question but if anyone has had a similar experience or has anything supportive to say, I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading
I know how you feel. I am terrified that it has been me that has been carrying the virus without knowing and have passed it on to my boyfriend, rather than the other way round. He is still waiting for blood test results but I wake up feeling guilty every day. It's tough but it's such a common and contagious condition you have to remind yourself that it's not your fault, and you didn't ask for it to happen to you. It can be spread even if you use condoms, it's that contagious. Don't let it beat you down. If he is a decent person he will be understanding and respectful of how you feel too. Of course he is going to be initially upset and annoyed; these feelings are natural. Tell him that it IS possible to have unprotected sex when you carry the virus; if you don't have any actual sores the chance of transmission is very, very small. Also remind yourself that it is JUST A SKIN CONDITION, the same as cold sores. You're not dirty, he's not dirty, you're just unlucky. It only flares up occasionally when your body is run down and it doesn't stay painful forever. Don't worry, and don't let it get you down.
Thank you so much for the advice. I have been trying to tell him and myself both that it's not the end of the world. We'll both be OK. There are way worse contagious conditions out there. It IS only a skin condition, but it's the fact that you can spread it which makes it frightening.
I like to think I have accepted it for myself, but now I have to get over the guilt of passing it on. I never wanted to put him in this situation and hurting him in any way is the last thing I would ever want. It all just feels very heavy, almost like I'm going through the whole period of finding out I have it all over again. Then again that's how I know that everything will be ok and I am just trying to keep reminding myself that.
Again, thank you so much for reading and thank you for reaching out
Hi,
it will be okay. He knew you had it, and it was his choice. It really isn't that bad. The first OB is always the worse and he may never get it again. 1 in 4 have it x. good luck and keep loving each other.
Hi there! I am going threw the same situation as you are right now. When I came across your post, I was relieved to know that there is another girl out there going threw the same thing as I am. I'm 24 years old and was diagnosed with genital herpes a year ago. I was in tears when I found out that I had them. I was devastated and so disgusted with myself. I never thought I would be that girl with an STD. I caught them
From a guy I wasn't serious with, we would just have sex from time to time. I should of known better because I knew he was the player type. Anyway, so I met this guy recently, who I am crazy about! We've only been talking and seeing each other for about a month now, but we just hit it off so well, it feels like I've known him forever. Last weekend after a night of drinking we came back to his house and had unprotected sex. I was pretty drunk and wasn't thinking at all about my condition. Sometimes I forget I even have it, since I've only experienced one breakout which was a year or so ago. Now a week later he tells me he's experiencing a sore throat and a fever. I'm scared to death that I gave him herpes. I feel so horrible and it's killing me inside. I shouldn't have been so careless when I was intoxicated. I wouldn't even know how to tell him. I'm scared and worried that he won't talk to me when he finds out. He is such a good man, and he really doesn't deserve this at all. Any advice on what to do next? I don't wanna be dishonest with him.
Hi sweets07 I'm in the same boat. Thought I found Mr. Right everything fell in place nothing had to be pushed or rushed then we just clicked one day and I swear he trumped all my X's it wasn't sex we made love. I too was On cloud 9. Of The 17yrs I've had this no one had ever rejected me & my out breaks wr so few I forgot about it. So one time unprotected past n we got to the 7th time before I was overwhelmed with guilt. I finally had the talk and never seen someone shower scrub and run out the door so fast. I got the betrayed speech and he said I would never be forgiven. This was only last week. I beat myself up for it and took the blame naturally for putting him in that position with no choice and then I cried, cried,cried. . A guy friend of mine who knows me said he wasn't serious and better to know now then later. If he were Serious He would have been mad and took the time to think it through and we could have worked it out but he hasn't spoken to me since. My point is this. ... Like my friend said when a man is all in mad or not he'll make it work. A man that's immature ignorant and doesn't want to educate himself will never want something serious. Best advice tell him sooner rather then later. Or at least find an excuse to start being protected. He'll either understand or he isn't the guy for you. I'm crushed me and my boo didn't work out but it showed me he wasn't the guy for me. .
Geesh I felt like I was reading my own story back to myself. Im 22, diagnosed 4 years ago and have a boyfriend that I am so in love with. I contracted herpes during a traumatic experience. Today my bf called me and told me that he thinks he has herpes. We have been together for about 5 months and I told him after the first time we slept together and he has been so understanding and hasn't made it awkward at all. If anything, I think it made our bond stronger. When he called today he was all about letting me know that he didn't blame me because he knew and made a choice to continue having unprotected sex. He's not sure if he has it yet but I am. From the symptoms he's explaining to me, I'm almost positive. I can tell that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by beinf angry with me but because of a past experience, I am expecting him to fly off the handle one day and take it out on me. I really want to make this work and its so comforting to know that I'm not alone in this.
Well, I would spill the beans asap and explain that you were terrified of how to tell him. Be understanding and accept your responsibility in the action. Better late than never.
Dont feel bad your are a wonderful person. At lest you had the dignity to tel him, the women that gave it to me just did and had did it to a couple of other people it was the worst day of my life as i found out on my birthday .... You told him and if he tells you dont worry about it its because your worth it ,he knew the risk and accepted it because your worth,I am now with the mother of my kids and she knows and accepted it when i told her and were careful and. I never want her to feel the pain of an outbreak so i know how you feel the hurt that comes from giving it to him but trust me for him to stay, and to have stayed from the day you revealed it to him he cares so the only thing to do is to be there for each other hope this help peace and love
I am right there with all of u, i've had hsv 1 for 5 years now...and right at this moment I feel so lost and depressed. My boyfriend just this Friday got his first cold sore ever 
I've been doing nothing but blaming myself ever since. He says it's not my fault because I have yet to have really had an outbreak since we've been together but he never had it till me so how can I not think this is all my fault? Plus a few months after we had started dating I got sick for about a month with a sore throat, and cold symptoms (everytime I get sick, even when I was younger it's always my throat so I didn't think much of it besides getting scared that the sickness was lasting so long)so I went to the doctors multiple times and they told me it was just a bacterial infection and perscribed me meds after I think the second time. By the third after I had gotten blood taken my doctor had told me my HSV levels were really high but by then I had already gotten my boyfriend sick 
I had asked him not to kiss me because I did not want to get him sick but he had told me he wouldn't get sick and would kiss me anyways. He got sick with a fever, and really bad sore throat. His doctor told him his sickness was viral and to take tylenol for the throat pain. I fear I gave him the virus then but it has been months since....Idk what to do. I am not ok at all. I fear I have forever ruined his life. I honestly never meant to hurt him. Even if I thought a symptom was appearing I took my meds even if it was nothing just to try and be more cautious. I have had quite a few boyfriends and never passed the virus in the past....why now?
My boyfriend told me loosing me would be much worse than what has happened but for some reason that doesn't help change the way I currently feel. Which is so upset it's difficult to deal with.
Before we started dating I was open with him and told him that i had herpes and there was a risk he could contract it too
Hi sweets,
I know you posted this months ago, but whatever became of your bf's sore throat and fever? I'm scared I gave H to a guy I've been seeing... I literally feel naseous thinking about it.
I don't doubt this guy loved you. If he is yours he will for sure come back. But as a person with herpes myself I will tell you one thing. This guy does not have to be with you after you betrayed him like that. Let's be honest though it's not a death sentence herpes is not fun to have neither is it a trivial virus.....it's life long. This man will face rejection for something he did not ask for so his reaction was out of hurt. Because in all honesty you did betray him. Its sad how you say "he will understand or he isn't the guy for you" how about maybe you are not the girl for him because you knowingly put him at risk. This man was a man. You did not give him a choice to be exposed to herpes or not, yet you want to fault him for walking away. Part of being educated is taking responsibility for your actions rather than calling him ignorant because he was disgusted and hurt by your lack of consideration for his health, well being and future.
I'm a guy and in a similar situation to your bf, my new gf just given me Herpes 2 couple of weeks ago. It feels bad to know you have an STD. And knowing that you won't be able to be with a clean person and infect them if things don't go well with your current gf. It sucks but glad you told him before because If you didn't, the pain will be twice much and he will definately leave you.
I have a similar story although mine might be a little worse . I started dating this guy a little over a year ago we really hit it off i was 18 at the time and i was pretty naive. He told me everything i wanted to hear smooth talked me into having sex with him within the first weeks of us talking. I really didnt want to but i really liked him and he had an undeniable charm that i just couldnt resist. After that we became a couple, and started having sex without condoms. Pretty soon i found out that he was talking to pther females, friends started telling me about this reputation he had, and saying that they saw him out and about with other girls. I didnt want to believe it but pretty doon i picked up on his behavior, and i started questioning him of course he denied. A couple of months go by. One day i woke up with a stinging pain in my genital area and it got worse and worse pretty soon i got a really bad outbreak, it was the most painful thing i have ever been through. I knew he gave me something i didnt want to believe it was herpes but after an unbearable trip to the emergency room they told me that that was what it was. I told him what the doctors said and he told me that he didnt sleep with anyone else and that i was the one cheating. That broke my heart and I broke up with him. I took me treatment and havent had any outbreaks or problems after. I stopped dating because i was was embarrassed of my situation and scared to even tell any guy of the virus. Pretty soon i gathered the courage to get out there again. I met this really nice guy through the internet who lived close by to me. I knew i had to tell him eventually of my situation before things got intimate and serious but i didnt want to scare him away and i haven't encountered any outbreaks since the first time so i didnt. Mostly because i didnt want to scare him off and second because i didnt want him to tell his friends and the word get out. I regret it now because we have been having sex very frequently sometimes with a condom and sometimes without, in the back of my mind i always think that im wrong. Recently he told me he discovered a bump on his penis and my heart sank into my stomach. Also ive noticed open sores near his genital area which he claims to be from shaving. I still havent told him im so ashamed and scared, guilty, and just really nervous because i know its most likely going to get worse. And right now im experiencing my second outbreak. I know i have to tell him. But i dont know how to go about it and i live with him so i dont know how he will react. This is really eating me up inside.
I feel you. I've managed giving herpes to two past boyfriends. I get really sad thinking about it.
Exboyfriend 1 got it when I first discovered I had it. I thought it was a couple of cuts from my razor because that's what it looked like to me. It was so painful, especially when I would urinate. I was in denial and I was only seeing him for at least a month prior. Still to this day I have no idea who gave it to me. I think it was laying around dormant waiting for me to be stressed out or something. So he got it because I didn't want to believe what was going on down there was serious and we continued to have unprotected sex.
After that relationship I had another 2 year run with someone else and he never got it to my knowledge. We just planned out when to have unprotective sex and it seemed to work out. Eventually that one ended.
A new relationship started blooming and I told him immediately when I knew I wanted to get intimate. We held off with sex for like a week and then finally had protected sex. And then I told him the OB was nearly gone and in the middle of the night he half assed woke me up and started having unprotected sex with me. I guess he asked me about it but I wasn't fully awake and aware of the situation. He ended up getting it from that slip up. We broke up about a month ago and he has a lot of resentment towards me now because of this. It's heartbreaking.
At this point I think it's easier to straight up just tell them you have it. Maybe have a couple of drinks first and then usually my speech goes like, "so this may or may not be a deal breaker, but I have this thing wrong with me.." then I wait to see what they say, usually their mind conjures up some interestingly scary scenario then their like, "ok.. what is it?" And then I'll just blurt out "I have herpes, do you need some time to think about this?" Usually guys are cooler than I think about it. But since I'm in the dating scene again now, I'm nervous for someone to just run out on me. But at least I'll weed out some of the sh*t heads ahead of time.
I have had genital herpes for 25 years. Not one out break. Been w my girlfriend 6 years. Never used protection and she does not have the vires. But as the years u learn not to stress. Cause a lot of stress will cause an out break. And do not use arginine
Hi to all on this discussion 😊 I am a 40 yr old woman living with this virus all my life. I contacted the virus from an old boyfriend when I was only 1) yrs old. He had an out break on his penis but me being 16 and naive I ignored Of and we had unprotected sex any way. After that I’ve had the virus since. I have had multiple partners protected and unprotected, married 16 years and 2 children later. My past partners from what I know have not been effected nor my Now ex husband. I’m now back dating and have had a break out 4-5 years ago which I told both partners yes I said both that I had this virus and they both got tested and do not have the virus. I’ve dated others after that never telling them I had the virus and none of my partners ever showed signs of the virus. Fast forward to Now I meet this new guy and he asked me up front have I ever had any diseases and of course wanting to say yes I neglected to tell him and lied and said no. We had sex 3 months ago protected at first now not protected. He found one of my pills on his floor. He took it to a pharmacist and the pharmacy told him it was for herpes. He ignored me for a couple of days not knowing how to confront me. I was wondering what happened what I did ex. Big had no clue. Anyway we went to dinner last night and that’s when he dropped my greatest fear of him finding out I had herpes. I was caught of guard and just told him yes the pill was mine and I have herpes. I felt terrible! Because I lied to him and didn’t make him use protection. He was silent and told me my secret was safe with him. But he never said if he still wanted to continue dating me or not. I don’t blame him if he never talked to me again I just hope he doesn’t have the virus I would hate myself forever. I learned from this experience to just date and if you feel like it’s time to tell the person your dating BEFORE you both have sex they can make a cautious decision to
Move forward with you or walk away.
How have you protected past partners, I am so scared to give this to my husband. We use protection but I don't know when I am having a outbreak. Mine are for the most part just irritation. I know he will be so mad if he gets it from me. I told him I am positive for hsv 1 and believe it gential. He acts like it's no big deal but to me it is! I don't want him to be in pain!