Girlfriend of 2 months has genital herpes. I feel totally conflicted, please help.

Sexual health
1

​About two months ago I started dating a girl. She's really attractive, funny, smart and I feel relaxed around her in a way I haven't felt before.

​

​While we've held hands and kissed a lot, we haven't done anything sexual yet. I'm actually a virgin so I've been trying to take things slowly!

​Anyway, her mood suddenly dropped recently and I could tell something was wrong. On our next date she explained (emotionally) that she has just found out she has genital herpes (HSV 2 I think? Though she hasn't said yet).

​It's a really, really unfortunate situation. She had a one night stand only a few weeks before meeting me with this guy who has since completely cut her off (!) and only realised recently that she has caught the infection from him. I was as supportive as I could be and felt surprisingly calm at the time.

​I'm aware this relationship has only just started and so perhaps I should think about ending things now, but I feel close to this girl and I really respect her for being so honest with me so far. To me that's promising for continuing things with her.

And since our relationship seems really good without sex, ending it over a purely sexual medical issue so early seems completely stupid. Nonetheless I still feel shocked. While before I would feel turned on if she flirted with me, at the moment I just feel like my insides are being twisted with worry.

​I know it sounds selfish, but I have this *severe* worry of getting the infection if we are sexual, because being new to relationships means I have no idea how long we will last together.

I've waited years to have sex and am in no rush at all, so abstaining for a good while seems sensible but I know she likes being physical and playful and I worry that if we continue she will be unhappy.

​For people who have experience, how big a deal is herpes in a first relationship? What would you advise in my position? And can we have sexual intimacy with a low or even zero risk of infection?

​I was actually thinking (apologies for the explicit terms) that clothed sex with a condom would be a very good option because we could still be intimate but there would be no excessive skin contact. Is there a medical basis for this?

Many thanks.

2

You need to establish which type she has, as that makes a big difference. The number does not indicate location, so she could have either HSV-1 or 2 genitally. The former is the better of the two. Once you verify type, then more specific advice can be given.

3

Agree with PP, first get hers typed (if she hasn't yet) and get tested and typed yourself to determine whether you already have it (you could have type 1, and there is a small chance you were somehow exposed to 2 along the way somewhere- herpes is not limited to sexual activity, can transmit in pregnancy etc.)

You will have to dig to get educated about it, but I wanted to commend your approach. The risk will vary based on type, where it is located in the body, gender, whether you already have a herpes 1 or 2 infection, whether infected persons are taking antiviral medication, and other things.

Don't lose touch with her and continue to be respectful and open-minded especially if she's special. There are vaccines in the pipeline including for people who already are infected.

4

It's nice that she was very honest with you ..

But it actually lies in your hands to be honest if I could do it all over again I don't think I would be involved with anyone that had this type of virus., just because it's such a big risk .

At least you get an option to know .

Try not to look at her differently because of this because most people in this day and age won't even tell you that they are infected . I know the person who infected me never told me they had it . There is different ways to go about this also .

She can go on suppressive medicine which can reduce the number of outbreaks and sheddings she has .. you should definitely do some research with and without her and make up your own mind on if you want this to be your future or not because either way you're taking a risk .

5

I sat and talked with her about getting it typed a few weeks ago.

Unfortunately, the doctor who gave her the swab results was useless and didn't give her the type (!) or any practical advice. In fact this doc even told her not to bother with antivirals and "just have less sex". Ugh.

We had a good date last night and she hinted at being more intimate. I sidestepped it. When we started talking about herpes she cried and said she hates talking about it.

Not really sure how to approach it now because she knows I need more info but talking about it seems to shatter her self esteem. Definitely a tough situation.

6

Thank you for the reply Jane. Still seeing the girl and still really enjoy spending time with her, but struggling a bit to convey my nervousness to her.

She seems to think herpes makes her unattractive which I don't find to be the case. It's only the infection risk that bothers me, but getting her to get typed so I can minimise that is proving difficult because it's an emotive subject.

Maybe me pushing on this only a few weeks after diagnosis is too rapid? Perhaps I should see someone at a clinic.

7

Hmmm, tricky situation indeed, but surely she realises you have a right to know the facts before getting more intimate, and that's a very good thing you're willing to talk about it (even if she's not) and are still interested? Avoidance on her part doesn't make the issue go away...

By the way, the doctor might well have typed her infection but simply didn't tell her, so she could try calling and asking for her lab report if and when she's ready and able to. If she and the person who gave it to her are both young, as I suspect, there's a very strong chance that it's Type 1, which really isn't such a big issue (common cold sore virus in the wrong place).

8

If you sidestep having sex, she's going to know why or presume why--eventually if she hasn't already. So maybe best to ask her to get it typed and be honest if the outcome means you will reject her. She might feel worse if she develops more feelings for you, it gets dragged out, then you reject her.

9

I would add, good idea to talk to a knowledgeable doctor yourself. Maybe go with her on a follow up visit to her doctor (the one who did the test), to find out type and discuss transmission risk. You should get a doctor's opinion about transmissibility risk and you can't get that from this patient forum. Type 1 has not been studied very much, especially type 1 genital because it's just increasing. I have had several doctors in different specialties tell me, distinguishing type 1 from 2 is not very meaningful. People assume type 1 genitalia recurs less, but that may just be because it has not been studied as much. Or if it's more mild, no one notices recurrences. You need a doctor's opinion about what the risk really is, and whether it is a good basis for rejecting someone who is otherwise a great match for you.

10

You sound like a really nice guy. I have Herpes 2 (caught from a partner who didn't tell me he had it) and I would do anything not to have got it . I wonder how honest she's been with you? You haven't been together long (and she may have got it while seeing you?) My advice?  I  would cut my losses and find someone else.