Going through a divorce with depression - brain dump

Mental health
1

I'm not in the best frame of mind at the moment and just wanted to put my thoughts out there. My wife and I split up over a year and a bit ago, due to me having severe depression and us growing apart. The relationship lasted 6 years and for 3 of those, we were married.

She wanted me to move out of the house we rented (which I did). I found a place, paid 3 months rent for her (she earnt half what I did) and I paid off her 3k of debt. After a few months of being single I started the divorce proceedings as I wanted to move on with my life.

It's been roughly a year and it feels no further along. She has claimed she isn't the respondent and that her name is wrong (even though it was copied by my solicitor directly from the marriage certificate). She is trying to extort money out of me by saying that I have to pay her a lump sum of money or she'll go after my pension.

She is claiming that she is "entitled" to half joint savings even though she contributed nothing and the money was in my account direct from my wages. I know in the view of the law this is correct but it feels so wrong that because I didn't blow my wage each month (like she did), it could be a payday for her and I get punished for thinking of the future!

Due to moving out I had to put a rental bond down, bought new stuff for my flat, got a bit of a social life again, I paid for the solicitors and as I mentioned given her a chunk of money anyway. So my savings have been substantially reduced, to the point that there is barely anything left now.

In order to try to resolve things financially, (I don't want her coming out of the woodwork in 10 years time asking for money), I have made her an offer that she can keep the stuff in the house, doesn't have to pay me any money back or contribute to the solicitors fees and will get an additional 3k. This would then be done as a clean break / consent order by the solicitor to make sure it is all legal.

She had 14 days to respond or the offer would be removed (in an attempt to get the process moving) guess what. No response! So I guess the next step is to go to mediation and I will be claiming stuff back from her.

I am so frustrated and confused by her behaviour, I just feel so powerless to do anything and I can't work out if it is greed, stupidity or just emotional mind games on her part. I haven't spoken to her in over a year and there has been no contact what so ever and yet I still feel in a state of limbo because I feel this is hanging over me!

My depression has improved substantially since the split and I'm about to start another job, (less money but it will be doing stuff I enjoy!), so there are positives. However, the whole process has made me a bit distrustful of other people now, the person I once loved acting in a way I didn't think possible, it just makes me think I must be a bad judge of character.

2

Hi Matt,

I’m really sorry for what you have gone through and that your ex wife is going after your money for no apparent reason. The law really buffles me as I am in a similar situation as you but kind of opposite. It was my ex (separated, not yet divorced) who claimed to be depressed etc for me to find him cheating on me and finding out he had been leading a double life. since I found him cheating he has runaway, lost his job, stopped talking to all his friends and had gone from a very respectable, well paid job to working in a bar. Before all this he was earning a lot more than me and so we split the bills 40/60 but the actual mortgage was 50/50. Since he has lost his job, he is paying the bare minimum and I am having to pay ALL the bills since he is no longer leaving at the house and refuses to pay them. I’m now working 6 days a week, doing 2 jobs and I still don’t have enough to cover all the costs and I’m getting into dept. The house is up for sale but nobody wants to buy it and the price has been reduced 3 times now to attract buyers. Now, I am at no fault here for any of this and yet I feel like I am paying for his mistakes and getting into dept while he just run away from all responsibility. When I went to seek legal advise from the solicitor he said that there is nothing I can do about it and I can’t claim money from him because he is paying the mortgage which is the only legal bound!

So given my and your situation, I honestly do not understand how your wife is trying to and can go after your money when she told you to move out while I’m getting into dept for my husband’s mistakes!

Anyway, I am very pleased to hear that despite all of the upset your ex wife has caused you, you still managed to come out the other end and better than before. It sounds like you’re getting your life back together and your mental health under control too!! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you for a quick divorce! good luck!

3

Thanks for your response CocoPop, crikey that sounds like a bit of a sticky situation! It sounds like he’s going through some kind of mid life crisis, have you started the divorce process yet? Is that in the UK?

I’m just glad I don’t have any kids to worry about as I just want to cut all ties from her now. Initially she had indicated that she wanted nothing from me and that we go our separate ways but all of a sudden is demanding money. I get the impression the people she works with have been suggesting she tries to take me for as much as possible.

Thing is I could kind of understand if I’d been messing around, or mistreating her or doing drugs or something but the only thing I did was work a bit too much and stress which coupled with her behaviour led to my depression getting to the point it did.

I went to a stress course, through CBT, therapy sessions (at work and privately) and have been on citalopram for a couple of years now and she said I wasn’t doing enough. Yet she wouldn’t engage with anything to help (like marriage counselling). I was pretty devestated but now I’ve had time to reflect, I am so glad I’m out of that relationship. Just wish there was an end point in sight (something to aim / look forward to).

Trying to sell a house when no one wants to buy is horrible, have you thought about renting a room out to help pay for things or does the mortgage not allow that?

4

Yeah it’s far from ideal but hey-ho. life goes on and Im trying to just take one day at the time and not let things get to me. Yes a mid life crisis but a lot younger. I kind of think he probably did have a mental breakdown but it’s no excuse for what he has done and the lies that he kept telling.

yes, I’m UK based, I’ve looked into all alternative options already and unfortunately I can’t find anyone for a short let as nobody wants to let a room knowing the house is up for sale. I’m hoping it will sell soon as even with a room rented it would still be a struggle to maintain long term and I don’t trust my ex to keep paying half the mortgage long term.

anyway, I didn’t mean to sidetrack your own story!
It sounds like you have done everything in your power to help yourself but the relationship was adding to the stress. I’m sorry that your marriage broke down but it seems like you managed to get your health under control with the stress of the relationship taken away! I can emphasise with the I ital feeling of devastation and then a feeling of relief after a period of reflection.

I know right now it seems like an endless process but look at how far you have gone already and how much better you are since the separation. I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible and dissapointed in your soon to be ex wife you must feel and how she is still causing you so much grieve.
from a legal point of view, you could run it past your solicitor but if she’s not willing to accept the deal (which is already more than what she deserves), you could threat her with applying for a divorce at her fault, for unreasonable behaviour (not wanting to co tribute and go to counselling, kicking you out your own home, running a dept and putting you under financial pressure etc) - if court decides there is enough evidence to suggest unreasonable behaviour on her behalf, leading to the breakdown of marriage, she shouldn’t have the right to request money off you. especially where she kicked you out and you had several extra expense on top of paying off her dept.

stay strong my friend and any time you feel like things get too much, just look at how far you have come so far. you must stay strong as if she sees weakness and that you’re fed up with the situation, she will take further advantage and ask for more money, knowing you will soon give in because you just want it all over.
on the other hand, if the situation is costing you your health and you’re genuinely worried about your depression exacerbating again, it might be worth considering giving her the money and just cutting all contact with her. I just don’t understand how people that we once loved so much can turn so toxic!!

keep your chin up and don’t let her get to your head!!! hugs

5

Thanks CocoPop, it sounds like your situation is a total nightmare! Hope you manage to find a buyer soon and that he keeps payments up on the mortgage till that happens.

I stated unreasonable behaviour when I first started the process, the solicitors sent off the petition a couple of times but then my wife has said her name wasn’t spelt right (which it was) and there have been a couple of other issues pop up. Which has caused the year long period.

The thing about the amount of money she wants is that I don’t have it anymore and my new job doesn’t pay the same so the offer I’ve made is the most I can afford. I’m not even in a position to give her the amount she wants and I’m certainly not borrowing money to get shot of her.

Plus the way she worded it, of give me this or I go after your pension, just rubbed me the wrong way. She’s done nothing but be awkward, sit on her arse and has somehow managed to get what she wants, well her time frame to take the deal has passed so it is time for me to be stubborn with her. I have had a few drinks tonight and I’m just fed up with the situation! Just glad I live in the UK as there are some real horror stories about alimony from other countries.
Matt