Got anxiety from a past event, now I got Rocd?

Mental health
1

Before explaining my problem, I have to start with a past event that caused it:

Years ago after I broke up with my bf I met a guy, who was really a good guy.
We started going out and after we started dating too… I was happy then after 6 months I got a weird anxiety going on. I felt pain and heavy when I was with him and had no idea why… I didn’t want to leave him but 5 months after I realised that wasn’t anxiety but an alarm bell telling me he wasn’t the Right guy.
So basically during that time I forced myself to contrast my anxiety from pushing him away and forced the relationship.

This started my General Anxiety for everything and relationships. Thinking that Those who loves me I push away and Those who I love reject me.
Plus every time I got anxiety in relationships I connect it to this past events and gets me nervous.

The problem now is:
After years I met an old friend which I really liked. We started dating, he rushed a bit, I was a bit unsecure and afraid since my past experiences (love got me scared) so I wanted to make sure my feelings for him because I didn’t want to hurt him after.
Then after I was sure I loved him we are a couple now.
After some time I had anxiety crisis again and I started worrying about my Past again. Because I didn’t want it to happen again.
So… I became a Slave of my anxiety.

I started having Intrusive Thoughts about me and my relationship.
I started thinking: *maybe I don’t love him for real because we started slow and I was insecure?
Maybe It’s just an illusion? What if will happen the same thing? What if my anxiety will push him away? What if I don’t have ROCD but he’s the wrong one as well? What if is the same situation? What if is another alarm bell? *

The different things are that I don’t feel sick next to my boyfriend like in my past relationship in which I was feeling sick everytime I was with that guy.
Plus, if I’m away from him I don’t feel Better like in my past, in which the more I was away from that guy the more I was good.

And sometimes my anxiety leaves me and I feel sure and secure about my feelings for him:that I want to live with him and marry him eventually.
It comes and goes as it pleases. -.-

I started seeking confirmation in an obsessive way of everything.
Like:
Not seeing him for a long time then checking if my heart sparkles as soon as I meet him again.
Stupid things like that. .
But when I’m alone my mind start haunting me and don’t know what to believe.
I would feel Dead if I have to leave him because of my anxiety.
What should I do?
Because even If I ignore those intrusive thoughts, physically I feel like hell.

2

sorry you’re going through this. sounds like you need some peace in your mind. I also have had intrusive thoughts and the what if thinking.those are the things that create the mental torture. I have had years and years of anxiety, and I have found through research, counseling, and being true to myself that I had to get out of my head and into my life more. The over thinking and crazy thoughts that it produces are not productive at all! In fact most of what we think during this is not based on fact or reality. It’s the what if , if what if, what if that is really destructive and makes us feel anxious. That’s because we cannot answer the what ifs. so let it go.
my suggestion to you is let go of all the overthinking. And let life just happen.
It will all work it self out eventually and you will have your answers naturally, not forced in your mind. If you are enjoying your relationship then go for it! don’t worry about what might happen because nobody can predict the future. Just take one day at a time. Stay busy so that you don’t overthink.
theres a saying that goes " you’re getting in your own way. " meaning very often we sabotage ourselves with our own thoughts and behaviors . Don’t believe everything you are thinking, because many of our thoughts are fleeting and baseless.
everything will work out naturally and the way it supposed to be. take care and hope this helps!

3

Yeah I live my life as it comes,
I enjoy it so I live the moment but sometimes it devours you and you can’t do much. That’s why I hate it because even if I ignore it it make itself present no matter what. Gosh is so frustrating… I feel corrupted.
Because I was always the Least anxious person in the world, always positive and ready for all the obstacles… Then now I feel so broken -.- and unfunctional xD
Eventually I’ll make it and end my battle with anxiety… Let’s hope