Had bad anxiety since I was 17, but recently it's advanced into panic attacks.

Mental health
1

I have always had anxiety. Looking back at my childhood, I was a happy, bubbly girl but there was that underlying stream of thought that held me back. 

Right now, I can't answer, or make calls. I can't answer the door, or go out in the back garden, even to pick up a parcel a postman had left on the decking. I cannot take rubbish to the bins. The only time I go out alone (without my SO) is when i walk to, and from work. I recently realised that I hadn't been outside alone in over 15 months. 

I think I got used to my anxiety to a degree, or that my SO is much too nice and accomodating to me, so he never forces me to do anything that makes me upset. Then, after out first, and almost detrimental argument, I had a panic attack. It wasn't mid-shout, or even when i was in tears... but the morning after, when we'd sorted everything out and made up. It didn't make any sense to me.

Then again, 6 weeks later, out of nowhere, I get four or five rolling panic attacks. SO calls 111, who send an ambulance, who assure me that my lungs and heart are fine, and that I just need to calm down. How infuriating! With some insisting from my SO, the paramedics arranged for me to go to my doctors, who have pointed me in the direction of multiple organisations and techniques I can use to help myself.

Then, two days later, I have another panic attack.

My fear is that it is always, always early morning. 

6.30 AM.

6.30-7.00 AM.

5.50 AM.

It is always around ten to thirty minutes after i wake up, when I am calm and absolutely fine. Now that I know that they can't physically kill me, what is terrifying is that I don't know how to control/understand them. I am now constantly fearful of another attack, afraid to go out just in case. 

Any help, or advice would be gratefully recieved. Everything I've read online says how I must have been stressed, or thinking about something negative, but I truly wasn't! I was just suddenly having chest pains.

 

2

Hi RebeccaMay,

I'm new here so apologies if I'm posting this in the wrong place! 

I too get infuriated when I read the "you were thinking negatively" stuff online.  I'm by no means an expert on anyone's anxiety/panic other than my own, and even that I don't always feel very clued in on! But what I have found over the last 10 years or so is that everyone's anxiety is different. 

I am a special needs teacher and specialise in teaching students on the Autism Spectrum.  They have taught me that one persons experience of Autism is solely theirs, the next persons will be entirely different. I think anxiety is similar.

As such sweeping generalisations like those often found online can be so upsetting. I can't say what is triggering your attacks but would like to tell you whatever it is, it's valid. It may not fit neatly into the internets definition of what triggers anxiety but that doesn't make it any less real, or less important.

I really hope you find some answers, all the best!

3

Hi Rebecca,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I feel panicky or can feel a panic attack starting, I use YouTube meditations and breathing exercises to try and regulate my breathing and try to calm my mind. Sometimes they are hard to get into but persevere with it. I started doing 10 minute meditations every morning when I woke up just to try and calm my mind in preparation for the day. 

I have also found that keeping a journal has helped me get my feelings out. I might not be able to explain it to someone so writing it down can sometimes help me. Again it was difficult to get into but I stuck with it and write in it roughly every other day! It has also highlighted massively to me that I will have good days and bad days but confirms that the good days do exist! 

Keep going ☺️ X

4

I've never had one without my SO being there, and since he works 12 hour alternate shifts, I know it's inevitable that I'm be alone eventually. The meditation thing sounds intriguing... are there any specifically that you would receommend? 

The journal also sounds interesting... only, I think that would only frustrate me as I can honestly say that I don't do much, and my thoughts seem to just circle the same issues over and over again.

Thank you for replying! It's nice not to feel so alone xx

5

It is infuriating!!

I have also found that a lot of people can hide their attacks, or carry on through them, but the chest pain is almost crippling! I can barely move when I'm in the midst of an attack. 

Thank you for your support! I have never been so frightened of my own body, or betrayed by my own mind and it is an incredibly unsettling feeling of being out of control.