has anybody else suffered this type of depression?

Mental health
1

I usually see posts or conversations about depression and how it makes a person sad and secluded, everything in life is dark and gloomy and so many other things, however I feel like I suffer from a different type or is it not depression at all?

(I have never been to the doctors for this so I have no idea if this is just mind set or not) I think I started suffering when I was 16 year old from an accumulation of events that had happened but I also have an incredible life, I have parents that support me financially, I have travelled to amazing places, I have had friends come in and out of my life that have been right for that moment, I have a car, a job, a roof over my head, but for some reason I just don't want to live life, like I actually wish I was never born in the first place, I have no desire to carry on living or pushing myself at all, if I died tomorrow I wouldn't care because I cannot grasp the value of life and "how precious it is".

It sounds so heartless to say but I have had close family members die and it hasn't affected me in any way, I wasn't upset, I didn't cry, it was just something that happened that people got sad about but I couldn't sympathize for them.

why can I not die, why do I have to be alive if I don't want to be, why does death have to be painful?

I first experienced the exhaustion, the panic attacks, the anxiety, the hysterical laughter that turns to hysterical crying, the gloomy days from 16-18 then I found Jesus spent a year as a Christian, I didn't drink, didn't have sex, didn't swear, ended a toxic relationship and tried to push all pollution out of my life.

I was taken in by my church family, fell in love with someone new, loved my job, and was just doing life and then its like I relapsed but 10 times worse and all that ended and again I just don't want to do life anymore, how can someone help someone want to live life when there isn't a caring bone towards it in their body, there are no inspirational quotes that help me, no inspiring films or songs that catch my eye and flip my perspective so I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry for anyone reading this its super long and completely irrelevant and I don't think it even really has a point.

2

Lauren

You need to talk to your GP and discuss how you are feeling.

Depression and Anxiety can be caused by many things, it does not mean your personal, family life is to blame, also it does not point towards your work experience, friends or there lack of or how you were treated at school etc. It can be a problem associated with a lack of certain substances in the Brain. The list is vast and your GP needs to approach  your condition and explain various treatments that can help

Like you I have travelled and have seem many things that most people would be hard to understand and imagine

Some people can become depressed by what they have seem, so Depression can come with that experience.

To know the reasons of a mental health problem can help a recovery. Your Anxiety can be caused by Health Anxiety.

Talk to your GP, We are here to help

BOB

3

Hi I may be way off beam here but have a look at CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect).  There is lots of info online.  You don't seem to be able to access your feelings and CEN is often at least part of the reason.  If this is not you then ignore it.  x

4

Hi there, I think I can relate to your situation. I am having the same thoughts here, not wanting to live. But can't take my own life too. Too coward maybe or too scared. I wish someone just hit me on the roadside so I die without having to tell anyone I wanted to die. I have had this kind of thinking too before, now it is coming to me again. I don't know why, the trigger factor, I can't think of any trigger factor. I am 34y, having 2 beautiful kids, good loving husband, but don't have any dream about tomorrow. I guess I lost interest in anything, have no ambition and aim in life. 

I took escitalopram 10mg daily, if this is the side effects of antidepressant, maybe it is normal. But your case, maybe you should seek professional help too. Just try to talk. Maybe you will later know if you are truly depressed about something that you don't even realised before.