He thinks I gave it to him

Sexual health
1

Hey there. So I am a 23 year old female, and have been diagnosed with herpes for about 3.5 years, contracted from the 2nd time I ever had sex. During this time span I have had an outbreak 3 times, and each time it got less and less severe. Since I have had herpes I have had protected sex with 7 different guys.

A few weeks ago I was seeing a guy I was living with in a hostel, during my working holiday in Australia. We became close, and it was just kissing. He said he really wanted to have sex with me, and I told him about my herpes. The next day he said that he didn't want to have sex with me, because he would be too worried about contracting it, which I understood. We still saw each other, just kissing and cuddling, absolutely nothing below the waist to each other.

I moved on from the place I was staying, and so had to leave him. A few days after I left, I asked him how he was, and he said sh*t because I had given him my herpes. I didn't understand how I could have. As far as I was aware I wasn't active, and I never even touched his genitals with any part of my body. He said he had 3 small dots on the end of his penis, but hasn't got it confirmed as to what it is by a medical professional, due to financial reasons. I have begged him to go to the doctors, and he then said he would, but he hasn’t spoken to me since and won't answer my messages.

I am going through some serious anxiety about this. I cannot sleep well and won't stop worrying. I honestly don't believe I could have passed it onto him because we had no sexual contact. I hate that he isn't going to a doctor, and fear that the longer he leaves it, then it will go away and it will never be confirmed as to what it really is.

The thing that I am really struggling to deal with is the psychological side. Even if I have not actually given it to him, he is still under the belief that he does have it! Physically, herpes is manageable but I find psychologically it is the worst. He told me he felt as if his life was going to change, and in a bad way. I feel so much guilt for causing these feelings within him. From my personal experiences of having herpes, I felt isolated, felt as if my life was ruined and that no one is ever going to love me. And it is these thoughts that I am most scared of that he is going through as well. Especially because he is a male too. From talking with friends, it seems that a guy is more likely to be able to see past a girl having herpes, than a girl being able to see past a guy having herpes. And I am so scared he will feel as if he is not ever going to be able to be with anyone ever again.

I feel as if I have ruined someone’s life.

2

How can tht be possible from wat I've read n heard because I am new to this is tht it can only be spread thru the place of contact if u never had any sexual contact with him then how could u have given it to him n it's on his penis he should have had cold sores on his mouth not penis n plus u was not having an outbreak either.

I kno exactly how he feels n u too because I'm currently going thru the same I feel like now I will never find anyone thts going to accept being with me because of this n then I dnt want to b the one to give it to sumone else n they blame me for messing up their life so it's a no win situation.

So dnt be so hard on urself because u told him tge truth u didn't hide anything from him n he continued to b around u so at the end of the day it was still his decision to keep seeing you n you asked him to go to the doctors n get checked u have did ur part now it's left up to him.

3

Dear Shell55

Dont ever feel like no one will love you because of this disease. I understand just how horrible it feels to find love while living with this disease but there is someone out there for every one of us...herpes or no herpes. What u must understand is that if this man wasn't going to stand by you with herpes then he was not going to stand by you without it. My guess is that this man only wanted sex with you from the beginning and panicked when he realized that he couldnt get that from you so he made something up to make himself feel better about cutting you off because men are so generously selfish sometimes. He probably didnt realize how you felt about him or how you would feel if you "gave him herpes" because if he is your age then he isnt thinking about your feelings anyway. If you havent had sex with him or even touched his private parts and he does have 3 little dots on his penis ( which I find very hard to believe simply because its unlikely for him to get it while you arent outbreaking) then he may have been having sex with someone else. About 80% of the world has been exposed to herpes so its likely that he met someone else who doesnt know that they have it. With the details you described it is impossible for him to have caught anything from you.

At the end of the day if his life does change its because of a decision he made. You cannot blame yourself for any of the changes he is going through. If he was really that worried he would go to the hospital. He would have went without u saying anything. He would have went before telling you anything about it. This guy honestly doesnt sound like a keeper anyway and any man who would agree to talking to you when he thinks he can have sex with you and then backs out when he realizes the going has gotten tough doesnt deserve you!.

4

Oh and if you dont want him then hes got a lot of growing up to do before his next encounter with a female. He should be just as honest as u were with him

5

Yes exactly, thats what I never understood how I could have given it to him, as there was no sexual contact. He tried to argue that I could have been shedding on my legs, thighs or bum, but I've never had sores in those areas. He also said it can be spread from skin contact, but I'm pretty sure its only spread from bodily fluids, which like you pointed out, it would have only given him mouth herpes. But thats not the case. I think he's just ignorant and been reading the wrong stuff online!

But thank you very much for the support tat1983. I hope you find peace with your situation too. I think we just need to accept its a part of ourselves, and give partners all the information about it, and hopefully the right people will see past it and accept us for all we are. 

6

Thanks for the support sincerelytahj.

It's a difficult situation because we didn't know each other for all that long. And my leaving from the hostel basically terminated our 'relationship' i was just staying in contact to be friendly and then this all comes out. You're right though, it doesnt sound logical why someone wouldn't go to the doctors, and just be so accepting of 'Oh it must be your herpes that you've now given me'. A normal person would still want to get it checked out to get it treated, no matter the financial cost?!

It's just the not knowing of what is going on that is the hardest part to deal with! 

7

U r very welcome......n I have read tht too tht u can get it from skin to skin contact but only if u r having an outbreak. But the fact of the matter is he being very disrespectful n ignorant about the whole situation, like frfr wat grown man does tht he kno tht u can't get it if there is no kind of outbreak n no kind of sexual contact at the end of the day it's his lost. Regardless of wat health situation u, me n anyone else who has this doesn't mean tht we r bad ppl n we go around intentionally finding ppl to have sex with jus to give them herpes. I hope u feel better about the whole thing soon becuz none if wats going on wit him is ur fault it's his he's a grown man who needs to grow up n stop trying to use others for his mistakes tht he has already made before u even came along.

8

It sounds like me and you are similar in how we contracted the disease. I am 20 years old and got herpes when travelling from a one night stand. Firstly, you didn't give it to him. That isn't possible so clearly he has either slept with someone else who does or had it all along. You have to remember 1/4 people have it and also that a lot of people have it and don't get an outbreak ever or for years. If I'm honest he doesn't sound like he is concerned about your wellbeing as he should be caring for your feelings too.

I'm also wondering if the people you've had protected sex with since you have always told? I feel like I'm in the minority here but since I got it a year ago I haven't told anyone I've been sexually active with. I am on daily medication and use protection but I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't been brave enough to say anything. I'm planning on telling my boyfriend of 4 months this weekend. I'm so scared and want to hear from other people what they have done in the same situation.

Lastly, you haven't ruined someones life - we have to remember we are still people and it's the stigma that hurts us not the disease. I hope you're ok, feel free to talk to me if you need. I think communication between people going through the same thing is going to be really important for me 

9

Yeah you're right dent. I'm more hoping along the lines that he doesn't have it at all. Just the symptoms don't sound like it to me really, but then again, I don't know what male herpes looks or feels like, and everyones different, so maybe it is. But even if I didn't give it to him, I just hope for his sake he doesn't have it.

And no, I haven't told them all. Of those 7 guys, 4 were one night stands and they were not told. But the other 3, who I had sex more than once with, then I did tell them. It's always been so scary opening up and telling people about it, for fear of rejection, but it's gotten easier each time. And you've just learnt to accept that some people are not okay with it, but you do get the ones who are okay with it, so you just have to look for them. 

I wish you all the best in telling youre boyfriend! I hope it all goes okay with you. Just be honest, give him all the details, and let him know the disease isn't as bad as people make out, that's all I can suggest really!

Thank you so much for the support dent. I will be there for you too if you need me!

10

Yeah of course hopefully he won't have it. Don't feel guilty though. You didn't do anything wrong in this situation at all.

Did you tell them before or after you started sleeping with them? I hope it gets easier for me. My boyfriends a really good guy though so I'm praying he will understand. 

Thank you - I tell him tomorrow. Sitting at work and it's all I can think about. 

11

I know how you feel howeveer I feel as though my life has been destroyed...I wasn;t a carrier I was the unlucky lowered immune whom picked it up and within 24 hours had full blown sores and pain like I cannot even share- Your young...and it is important to share I have to believe in my heart if someone loves you- they will work on things with you- regardless of what was exchanged phyically- I hate to say it- at your age typical a guy would say "you gave this to me"....that is VERY typical... I am over 2x your age- men do give better feedback....not many but some do- 

DONT feel guilt- I learned from my gyno- even your mother having a normal delivery with you she could have passed it on- that's how common it is- but not descrbed this way in most forums... my doctor shared this with me too... 

12

Dent- I am right with you- I too have to share the news with my boyfriend tomorrow and I am looking at the clock cannot eat etc Pls share how it went- I was thinking about wriitng a letter before he gets here so he knows this has to be about me- I was tested 3 times for all in my life inclsuive of just before this relationship I caught and had severe symptoms 24 hours after we were intimate... UGH good luck I have faith your man will understand... 

13

Did you tell your boyfriend? I told mine and he said he is shocked and needs some time for it to sink in but still loves me and wants to be with me. I hope everything went ok with yours!xx