hello friends!! i am just below 25 years old and having some serious health problems which are not supposed to occur at my age..i am sorry for this lengthy post but please read it till the end..i was not sure whether i should have posted this in mental health forum but of course the point of origin of my problems were such that i thought it is better to post such stories in this forum otherwise it might have been inappropriate for other forums
From childhood,i was a quite intelligent kid..i had a sharp mind with an imnensely strong memory..i had excellent thinking,logical reasoning and puzzle solving skills..i could catch things very easily and also remember new things with quite ease..i could come up with new plans or innovative thoughts while solving problems,playing chess or taking other important decisions..learning new things was so easy!! i was excellent in maths and computer programming..i never had to learn new ideas..because my mind figured them out automatically by itself as if it had been programmed already..all of my teachers ,friends and relatives admitted that i was more intelligent than the children of my age and it became a prominent distinguishing feature between me and others around me..it was clear that i had every chance of making a huge mark in the future because of my intellectual abilities..but i never knew that future would be so painful and shocking!!!
just like any other normal boy of my age, my body started changing as i hit puberty and i started feeling sexual urges or the rush of hormones with which my teenage greeted me..my body had developed in an usual manner and that is why i felt these changes taking place..But,since i became 18 years old, these sexual urges or the so called excitement got to the climax..whenever i would see something provoking, i would feel a strong rush of blood in my veins..these things started getting so intense and i got into the habit of masturbation..initially as i started it, i did not know much about it but it happened automatically..i know it is perfectly normal..but anything in excess is very harmful..without myself knowing about it,i got addicted to it..it gave me immense pleasure and became a source of temporary happiness to reduce stress in my life..i cleared my school exams with good grades and got admitted into one of our country’s top ranked colleges after cracking an extremely tough admission test..so i had lots of expectations on myself and had goals set up already for the future..but by that time i had plunged dramatically into the habit of orgasm and porn watching..i was so much addicted that the other aspects of my life including my career,my studies which should have been the primary focus of my life,started getting neglected badly..i lost all focus and all attention..in college , my grades started to detoriorate..but i could not help myself..i simply could not resist the act of obtaining self pleasure even if i tried hard to abstain from it..i now understand why it happens with us..why we cannot quit it..actually it floods the brain cells with a neurochemical called dopamine which switches on the reward circuit in the brain..that is why one craves for more and more and never gets satisfied or is able to stop it..this is how drug addicts suffer from drug addiction because new neural pathways are formed in the brain..also i must mention that as i got admitted into college,since then my lifestyle was hugely altered..not only i started masturbating 3–4 times daily but also started sleeping less. i used to go to bed late at night and wake up in early morning with few hours of sleep and this has been the story since then..not only that,due to busy life schedule, i skipped breakfast and indeed neglecting diet obviously affects brain cells which need proper nutrition to function well..so i understand that my body has changed internally and all the cycles including sleeping,metabolism all these got hampered and so did the body’s biological clock..i had read that prolonged lack of sleep could cause protein accumulation in brain that can cause death or shrinkage of nerve cells..another thing that i read is that excess PMO causes neuroplasticity which means that the brain gets altered..i feel loss of appetite and do not feel energetic as i was..always i feel as if i am drained out of energy and feel as if i am a totally different person and cannot go back to my original form..not only this,the entire rhythm in which the brain and body functioned has been absolutely ruined..i can feel it..i do not feel hungry..i suffer from constipation..i noticed that these things started to happen after i indulged in PMO and now they have become permanent issues..i feel that my body has been just ravaged..
Since the past 5 years, as i came to know about ill effects of masturbation and experienced them myself, i have made more than 1000 attempts to quit it but always failed..just imagine how much addicted i have become that despite finding out how destructive it is , i still failed to give it up..yes !! in more than 1000 attempts!! i make vows to myself and after few days may be hardly 4 or 5 days, i feel an irresistable urge to jerk off and just cannot stop myself..i feel that some other very strong evil power is controlling me at that stage..i just have to do it otherwise i get withdrawal syndrome…i forget about all the harm that i am doing to myself.i am just helpless!!!
The biggest and most threatening observation and symptoms are the ones that are affecting my cognition skills.
it all began in college ..i found it hard to learn new concepts or formulate new ideas..college exams became tough to score marks..i found it very difficult to score good marks or to clear the exams..initially i was very intelligent and clearing the sem exams should not have been difficult for a person like me but i found maths very tough while people much more ordinary than me did so well in the exams..Then , overtime i noticed extremely horrific signs which point towards neurodegeneration.
Initially, it started with me forgetting spellings of ordinary english words which were well known and deeply rooted in my memory and i remembered them just like my name..there was no way i could have confusion over their spellings or forget them so easily and it progressed day by day and word by word.Simple formulae, ideas, concepts which were mastered by me since childhood now seem no hard although they were once a child’s play for me..i cannot learn new ideas, new things however easy they may be..everything seems so difficult to learn and remember..simple things that i knew since childhood now seem so unusual and new as if i had never known them..everything that had been stored in my mind since childhood is now getting deleted one by one..my puzzle solving and thinking skills are just totally dead..i cannot think,plan or take new decisions easily..i get confused over simple things everyday like calculations ,etc..i get confused so easily..i feel as if my mind has gone blank..there seems to be heaven and hell of a difference between what i was and what i have become!!i feel terribly upset!it seems that someday i might forget who i am or where i am from!! whenever a puzzle is given to me to be solved , i cannot figure out the solution..i have become so dumb !! i cannot see myself in such a situation anymore! i cannot understand or remember new things..for example, if u give me some new info over some matter i will never be able to remember it..if i see new faces,i cannot remember them and next time i see the person,i will never be able to identify him/her..it becomes difficult to recognize voices of singers or remembering and recognizing newly heard voices..if u show me two images of same person but one slightly different from the other in facial expressions,it becomes hard to distinguish between the two or understand that they are the same..my memory has declined in a drastic fashion..when i tried to look for an answer on the net, i came to know that these signs occur due to some degenerative disorder of the brain and nerves due to shrinkage of thought processing centres in the brain or more precisely, due to frontal lobe damage..i was a very nice person before i fell into this pit of porn addiction but now i become extremely angry even at small reasons,i get irritated so easily, and violent when i become angry ..i just have no control over myself..my cheeks have become sunken,there are dark circles beneath my eyes and i have become very thin and look like a sick man..i have become a dull unattractive person..just the opposite of what i was before getting into college..
Not only that, i have become hyperinsomniac, i just cannot fall asleep like a normal person what i was previously..it sounds odd that i feel sleepy but cannot go to sleep as if my consciousness just cannot detach itself from the surroundings like a normal human being trying to sleep..as if i have lost that inbuilt ability to fall asleep. as if my body has been reprogrammed in a highly defective manner and everything just got ruined..i feel that my brain and body are devastated..i have to rely on alprazolam on a daily basis to fall asleep and feel that i will never be able to get back to my original self again..i want to get back to where i was ..and how God created me originally..but i know that is not possible and gives me a deepest sense of regret.. and had i known that excess masturbation causes these symptoms,i would not have fallen into this pit
On the net, i came across several sources where i found the information about such occurrences..they said that these neurodegenerative changes could be early signs of dementia or alzheimer’s disease but i am too young for something like that to happen.plus no one in my family had similar diseases..so this possibility is ruled out..
then i searched a lot of sites and they claim that changing one’s lifestyle like late night sleep, poor nutrition and excess porn and masturbation indeed costs a lot !! it changes the brain totally! it floods the brain with dopamine and burns out the dopamine receptors..other neurochemicals like acetylcholine, serotonin,GABA and corisol are depleted from the brain resulting in brain fog,confusion,inability to focus,etc and all the symptoms that i suffer from can thus be attributed to this single cause..they said that these chemicals are vital for nerves to communicate with each other and when nerves do not receive them over the years,they start to die…i would not fear about these changes provided they were temporary BUT the mention of death of neurons alone, sends a sensation of shiver down my back!! i never knew it would be so costly!!i sometimes forget what i had for lunch last day or what did i have for dinner last night..sometimes, i forget names of people but these things have not been too serious yet!! may be the storm is just rising!! i read that as the neurochemical GABA is depleted from the brain,one becomes insomniac as the GABA receptors die off..and i am extremely afraid to understand that i probably will face this extremely tough situation of not having sufficient sleep throughout my life..i realised that masturbation addiction is far worse than that of drugs or alcohol!! But ,again i found that those sites further claim that it would take some time to regenerate damaged or burnt out neurons!! And one needs to stop masturbation completely..
But,as far as i know , neurons if once dead,rarely regrow or regenerate..because in high school,my bio teacher taught in class that nerve cells if they die,tgey cannot divide to form new cells..to some extent,the damage caused to them can be repaired..but i think that i done enough damage to my brain cells which might be permanent. .i am scared because by inducing extreme neurochemical changes inside my brain i might have shrunk or killed my gray matter or white matter which must have resulted in rapid neuronal death or loss responsible for symptoms that i have been experiencing..i have not consulted a neurologist but will surely do so very soon..Recently,i sat for competitive exams for higher studies and i could not clear them..i felt sad and extremely depressed. God gave me a golden opportunity to make the most of my life and i just wasted it!!! The most unfortunate thing is that despite knowing that masturbation is so harmful and writing about its ill effects, i still will never be able to quit it because no matter how deeply i have vowed before myself to abstain from it, the demon inside me will awaken up very soon again and is just pushing me towards my doom!! and i do not know what to do!! the demon resides inside me..more specifically,it is a part of me!!
The traditional belief among people is that masturbation does not cause any mental effects..but that was based on inconclusive reasearch and new reasearch suggests something else..plus i know that i is indeed harmful as i myself have experienced its effects!
To anyone who has read my post, please express ur idea on the following questions:
Q1.if excess neuroimbalance inside the brain can cause damage to neurons,can i revert it by quitting masturbation??i mean can my nerves go back close to the original levels before it all started??
Q2.what foods should i take to boost the healing process of my brain??
Q3.How can i quit masturbation and keep away thoughts..i try to keep away triggers but still,sexual thoughts arise in my mind which have greater control over me..so u can underatand that my addiction is quite strong..so how can i quit it and even after trying to quit it in first few attempts,suppose i fail then how can i remotivate myself again??
Q4.Based on my symptoms listed above,what percentage of nerve cells i might have killed??any guesses??.
i know people on this forum are not doctors but please do me a favour and give ur opinion. i will be highly indebted to u.