I don’t even know where to begin, I just know I need to vent somewhere. Hi everyone, my name is Leo and thank you for taking your time to read this.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety for years now. I’ll preface this all by saying, as a child, I got sick a lot. I had chicken pox, swine flu, mononucleosis, strep quite a few times, etc. P much you name it, I got it. I think this has contributed to my current situation with anxiety.
I was first tipped off about my anxiety and panic by an ER doc because about 4 or so years ago, I thought I was having a heart attack, brother took me to the ER, they ran tests, hooked me up to stuff, found nothing wrong. They said that I showed signs of severe anxiety and what I was going through was a panic attack. I never really did anything about it, though, since I didn’t have insurance and my younger self just didn’t see it as important, just something that would go away with time and stability.
A year or so later I became sick, very sick. Night sweats, chills, shaking, fever that wouldn’t break, weakness, fatigue, nausea, I felt like absolute death. I tried to convince myself it was nothing, but I eventually went to the health department to get tested for hiv. Unfortunately, that worst case scenario became my reality. I was indeed diagnosed as hiv positive and the symptoms I had been feeling were from initial infection running rampant in my body. I believe it was with this diagnosis that my health anxiety really kicked in hardcore (combined with my anxiety over how sick I used to get as a kid).
Over the last 3 years, my hiv infection has been controlled very well with my medication. I am undetectable in my viral load, have a great cd4 level, have had great bloodwork all around, and the infectious disease specialist I see says I’m healthy as can be from what she sees. However, that diagnosis only justified to me in my brain that my panic over my health was justified. And that each new symptom or weird thing I experience HAS to be something bad.
Every cold I got in between my specialist visits was pneumonia or tuberculosis or something sinister. Every swollen node was a tumor or the virus coming back from my medication not working properly. My anxiety even causes me to doubt that I took my medication, though luckily for me I use a pill tracker and count pills to confirm. Needless to say, each time I’d go in for bloodwork I wouldn’t be ill anymore and my bloodwork would come back fine.
Fast forward to about a little over a month ago, my mother told me my brother has cancer. Found a lump in his abdomen, Dr’s said it needed chemo to shrink before they could try to operate, and the whole family was worried. On my way home, I crashed my bicycle on the side walk, skinned my knees and bruised myself pretty bad. The lymph nodes reacted to this trauma, like they’re supposed to do, but to me the swelling only resurfaced the feelings that I had something awful and was getting sick. The lymph nodes went down and I can barely feel them anymore, but within the last two weeks my health anxiety has gone through the roof to the point where it’s affecting my daily life and ability to function.
It first started with my abdomen, I felt small nodes or textures under my skin and became obsessed. Poking, prodding, pinching, rubbing. All until I got actual pain in certain areas. Of course, this pain has only caused a vicious cycle because I attribute the pain to something sinister and then I poke and prod and feel and rub more and more. A week ago I thought I had an enlarged spleen and was poking my ribs, digging under them in the front part, poking my side, anything to try and see if something was there. A few days ago I encountered liver cancer while googling symptoms and now I’m obsessed with the right side of my body. I noticed my right rib cage has some asymmetry from the left and that my right side at the lower rib cage feels more pronounced or stuck out than my left. I’ve been rubbing and poking, etc with it and now it even aches without touching it.
I’ve been calling Dr offices around my area to try to find a primary care physician since I finally have insurance. But until I find someone accepting new patients and my insurance, my health anxiety and symptoms are driving me crazy. I’m getting panic attacks almost every day now, multiple times a day. I find myself crying sometimes with worry. I have this overwhelming feeling I can’t shake that I am going to die, and that I’m ignoring something life threatening. My muscles and other things ache from the spasms and from poking. I’ve even lost a few pounds because my interest in eating has halted during these days of panic. Could this all be attributed to my anxiety and the poking and prodding? Am I causing the bruising and soreness and mild swelling I’m experiencing in the areas I’m obsessing over? Has anyone experienced anything similar? I feel so alone and scared and don’t know how to cope with this until I can see a doc.
Also sorry for the really really long post and any rambling, when I’m worried I tend to do that and I wanted to be detailed as possible and not miss any key details. Thank you everyone.
Anxiety causes people to overthink things and that may be what you were doing. I realize you are terrified, but u Don’t you have to feel completely miserable .
anxiety can make negative thoughts in your mind and make you terrified if you let it.. I think what is going on is most likely your anxiety creating fear. Is there anyway you can speak with a counselor? You need support right now .
while you are waiting to see the doctor, you need to calm yourself down. There are some great short meditations on YouTube for anxiety, panic, sleep, etc. I especially like the one that calms you down with in a few minutes and you can search for “stop
panic attacks now" , when you get to the screen of the meditations, look for one called “don’t panic”. She guides u through it and it really works!
proper breathing is the key to calming down.
do you use medications several times a day if you need to. Before you know what your doctor appointment will be ready.
also keep yourself busy as possible before your appointment that will take your mind off of things for a while. Take care of yourself!
I meant to say do you use meditations not medications several times a day. LOL
Okay…first of all…take a big long deep breath. I firmly 100% believe that there is nothing medically wrong with you, other than your HIV diagnosis. I’m no doctor but I’m very experienced in the art of driving myself crazy with panic, lol! I was diagnosed in my 30s with melanoma. Ever since that I assume I’m dying of something most of the time. Every mammogram i have terrifies me, my colonoscopy at 50, etc…i always assume they’ll find something terrible. And they never do. So this is what i did…i went on celexa after the melanoma. That worked for the most part but when my sons bff committed suicide realized i needed more help. I started yoga and meditation and it has helped me incredibly. I really recommend it. All that panic and worry is going to make you more sick than anything else. See if you can get in with a therapist and try some cbt. Look in your area for a place that teaches meditation and mindfulness. And give yourself a break!!!