So my life has been a living hell for the last 3 months. All I wish is to be able to be alone for days without caring, being able sit still for days, not caring what other said. Being content with life and waiting for the future to have fun in. Being able to jsut be alone with my thoughts. Thoughts being the background instead of the being my emotions and feelings. So um basically I had a panic attack from GERD which led me to have anxiety disorder. It was management at first but now it's hell. It has lead me to very bad depression. Even when I don't feel anxious at times my depression is there so what's to be happy about? Then that triggers my anxiety. Then a whole dowmstwrads spiral where I want to kill mauled but I don't. Today I only slept 1 hour and I can't take afternoon naps anymore because I'm anxious 24/7 with depression. Also I have extreme derealization. Very sad. ive hallucinated and things. I just don't think ssri will help because I can easily think my way to depression. My thoughts are the reason for my anxiety attacks. I just want to know that I'll recover again one day. I'll be able to see life the same way but in a better and stronger perspective. Also I told my family and they're all concerned so I went to my cousins she witnessed my extreme downwards spiral. She tried calming me down but I couldn't. I used to be able to pace around my room till I calmed myself down but now my thoughts fight back really strong. I try to tell my thgouhts to stop!!! I try to counter them but they're so strong and I've given them so much fear and power. I'm not scared of anxiety attacks I'm just scared of the physically symptoms. I don't like sleeping either because I feel like I'm losing time and it makes feel lonely. One day I didn't even feel anxious and I was In the shower and I jsut thinking "wow life is beautiful wow how could I have been so bad?" Then Idk how but I autmaticallt started thinking "what's the point of happiness thought if u feel out of reality? If you're gonna have depression deep down". I don't want to have to rely on medicine forever. Therapy is good though but I want to be able to trust myself and belive in myself. Now when I try to calm myself down I try to lace around and think about things and to relax but now I over analyze every thought and then I jsut have to spend a full day on anxiety and depression with suicidal feelings and thoughts. I feel like one day I'm gonna lose control and do it. I feel so empty even though I'm numb. Whenever I feel okay with not much anxiety or ignoring the depression I feel numb I can't experience joy and whenever I try to think about the future is makes me sad. My moms my supporter and when she tells me "I love you much I just want you to get better I'll do anything I'll pay for whatever money isn't a big deal" all I can do is cry and feel terrible. I don't ever want to kill myself it's just the pain that isn't bearable why is mental pain so painful. I can't even trust myself anymore I can't calm myself down by talking to myself anymore my brain jsut denies it. Everyone has heir own lives yet I'm here lost and confused feeling completely out of place and lonely in my own dark thoughts. Everytime I have a spiral of depression and anxiety I feel completely completely done and I belive I'll be in that position forever and never be able to recover. Even when I do recover it's not being okay it's still waking up to the anxiety and depression. Can't watch tv anymore or relax and sleep anymore. I also have a beungin sensation inmy chest that makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack. I tried praying to god but I hallucinated and I looked away and completely thought I was crazy. I have body tremors cold flashes, hot flashes. I've checked my thyroid, blood test and all that. I just feel like no matter what I do I'm stuck like this and I'll never find a way out. I don't know but it's just terrible it's like I'm lost my mind and losing reality each time I get that. Right now I'm pacing around writing this down yet I'm starting to get physical symptoms like around my chest and stomach. I'm feeling another downward spiral coming. Please pleas for me. I need help and I'm tired of hearing "you won't recover you'll just learn to manage it" I'm sorry but I believe that you can recover. But I also belive a relapse can happen. I'm honestly waiting till I get old and most of my family is dead so I can just kill myself. I look at everyone smiling and laughing yet I'm so jealous and envious. I don't care I would trade pleases with anyone anyone!! This is painful as hell. I've lost hope completely I can see the light st the end anymore. I also tried Atarax I hate feeling drowsy because it makes me panic more. I'm scared of taking a shower so my thoguhts won't wander anymore to a dark place. I want to take control of my own body and reaction to emotions and feelings. I want to see the world in the place I used to. I just came to realize that depression and anxiety happens to the most compassionate and beautiful people. The ones who think about life differently. The ones who don't have bad intentions. The ones who never enact to hurt anyone. I'm not saying we're angels but it happens the best of us. It's just sad hearing about those angel who couldn't see the light at the end. It makes me feel worse because what I become in of them? I jsut hate how this started right when I turned 18 and graduated high school. I met a friend online he told me that he jsut continued to live his life and push depression to the side. He took xanax for a little bit but it didn't help so he stopped and now he's okay and of course he has his days but there not bad. I jsut want to feel that sense of okay and contentness. Everytime I stay st home all day. I hate how I'm aware of my heartbeat. I hate how I can feel it without even trying. My shoulder is shaking right now don't know why. My back hurts. I've read up on angina and aneurysm because I have a strong pulse in my stomach. Also I can't eat sonthag makes it worse. Everytime I try to sleep I can't!!! How can I gain control!!! Sorry for repeating some things in just in a bad mental place. Has medication and therapy helped anyone? I'm afraid of it helping me in the beginning but then relapsing even worse. I mean if it's a chemical imbalance then I would. How can I check if it a chemical imbalance? Might it also be lakcnif vitamin D or magnesium?
Hi Cgrimaldi7
You are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help
If you are having these suicidal thoughts we strongly recommend you to speak to someone. The Samaritan offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what your are going through.
They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet > https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you need
Please do reach out - the team at the Samaritans, and the other people in our leaflet, will understand exactly what you're going through and will be able to help
Kindest Regards
Patient
Just following up that advice your not alone I'm in the same boat after almost five months of severe OCD and generalized anxiety. I feel numb and lost and I don't know who I am anymore. There are moments where I get glimpses of who I believe I was and still am underneath. But I will never not want to see another morning. I know one Day things will get better that people like you and me will figure this all out. Managing, healing, and recovery are all the same thing. You learn to manage your anxiety so you can heal your mind and body and when you begin healing you begin recovery and that old self will be there. We just gotta keep scrubbing away to get to it. I was told I had a chemical imbalance and I'm going to get a second opinion and if that's truly the case then medication/supplements will help. I don't know if you do but it's possible and with both medication and therapy we can get our lives back.
The mind is powerful and it will convince you this life is a hell that there's no point in living that your hopeless but that's b******t. How you feel is legitimate but your life is worth it. It's darkest before the dawn.
Hang in there.
Hi. I know you don't want to hear that it is possible to manage this , but I am not going to tell you you will be like this forever. You also won't want to hear that we have been where you are as if you are like me you will think you are worse than anyone else and you will never get better. Anxiety is telling you you will feel like this forever and and the feeling of doom is awful. It's a living nightmare you think will never end. Years ago I never went out and had all these symptoms and more, life was hell. Now I go out alone and have more good days than bad, it's a long haul but worth it. Hard work, see your doctor, tell him what you have written here, you need counciling, therapy, talk to anyone for support. You really have to do this for yourself and your family, I put mine through hell and should have got help sooner, 20 years ago it was more difficult , there is more understanding and help now. I had no support from forums like this I just suffered in silence thinking I would go mad. Please start today . Ring someone now and tell them you need help, you only wanted positive replies, believe me you can get better, life's never perfect but yours doesn't have to stay this bad, when you're ready there are lovely people here who can keep you feeling positive and have great tips on self help, relaxation, getting rid of those negative thoughts etc, ❤️❤️
Hiya , Im so sorry you are going thru this. You are not alone with this. I feel exactly the same as you. Literally. Cant sleep and cant stop rushing thoughts and the thought I will never feel the same. But dont give up. Never give up. There is always way out even tho it doesnt feel like this. Anxiety and depression are horrible. But please dont give up. We all dont want to rely on medications but sometimes we need this extra help. Dont let this bring you down. Medications with therapy is the best combination. Anxiety and depression are caused by chemical balance in our brain and medications help to restore it. You are not alone.😘😘this forum is full of kind and supportive people and whenever you feel bad just please and talk here ❤please go and see your doctor and talk about your options.❤
Hi Been there, done that, worn the T shirt ....
Yes reflux, gerd can make you feel like this because of the anxiety created thinking it is a heart attack.
Yes imo you can recover but need some help.
SO keep strong. I would start by requesting a short course of medication for your stomach -usual length of treatment being six weeks . The downside of these meds however is that thay can prevent essential nutrients such as Vit B12, Vit D , calcium from being absorbed.
However as long as you know this and perhaps take supplements then you can avert any potential side effects.
I take sub lingual Vit B12 a day . You can buy supplements in the form of drops too.