Hello Gretchel, Hightower, JJJ73 and everyone,
How are you all doing?
You may want to get a tea/coffee and a snack, this was longer than I thought :lol:
After months of trying far too hard it has finally sunk in, relax and take your time. To beat this beast takes time and it is a gradual change that cannot be forced along. I tried to force things but, all that led to was frustration and anger within, then self doubt, giving up and feeling of failing, the anger would be turned onto myself and I would give myself a hard time, from this I would try even harder and around we would go again each time it was worse. It is just a learning curve. I feel like the load has been lightened for just recognising this fact.
As for who I am? What a question we as ourselves. I know who I was before depression, I know the monster I can/have been but, who will I be at the end? I know I can never be the same as before this but want to be. The reason is that life moves on, I am wiser, older, have more responsibilities etc. I think the best I can do is to embrace and encourage the qualities I like and recognise the signs of the not so good things and develop a strategy to deal/cope/analyse/resolve and move on. Counselling is certainly helping me do/understand some of this. Some days I do go back to square one but other days it does start to come together and I feel proud of myself for applying a few techniques and resolving things as an adult and not as the child within. Still has a very loud voice at times. The few people who know and are close recognise the signs and do their best to help with a distraction such as a coffee or show that article. We leave the situation and chat about what just happened.
I feel like a warrior stood in the middle of a vast battlefield. The bodies of my demons laying all around. The roar of the battle was loud but is nothing compared to the volume of the silence that is now deafening to me. I stand there not knowing what to do, leave the battlefield but in what direction, where do I go, what life is there for a seasoned warrior whose only life has been fighting a very hard battle, how do I go back to normal?, still on edge with sword in hand waiting. Do I give a them a burial and respect my enemies? They have been a part of me for so long.
My med change over. The withdrawal side effects are manageable, now on 20mg every other day for a week. I feel better, more positive. I think that is due to change of way of thinking rather than reduced dose of meds. I still plan to change over to Venlafaxine as I still have a few issues/worries to get out at counselling.
I have looked at the two books and read a bit. Wow! I wish I had found/been told of these sooner. They make so much sense. They will certainly help me and others understand what it is like. I find it so hard trying to explain to people but I think if I get them to read the odd chapter it should help them to see why/how I feel/act the way I do and can sometimes not see the wood for the trees, or just snap out of it, or will you just cheer up and stop being so negative.
It is funny but I have also thought of looking closer at becoming a counsellor. My present job sucks big time, they get 100% from me (most of the time) and I get nothing back. Well I tell a lie, as soon as I complete my jobs they find more and more. If I can do 10 a day they then try 15 a day etc. I must admit, I did use work to try and escape from things so part my fault. I will be setting some boundaries to save myself getting bogged down again. I get no satisfaction from my job at all, that is not good. I spend 40hrs a week there. Life is too short too waste that amount of time and get no enjoyment back, that is existing, life is for living. I have in my spare time been reading books about psychology. Some above my head but some are very interesting. The book at the moment is about Freud and his life and studies. I have also looked at introductory courses on psychology. I