help, no road back with my alcoholic beat friend

General health and lifestyle
1

Hiya!

I ll try to be as short as I can.

My best friend is alcoholic. He knows it and most of the time controls his drinking.

We have a really strong relationship and I try as much as I can to help him.

I came to England 7 years ago, and from the start, he always helped me as i dont have any family over here. He is like a father to me, and it is what we told people.

He helped me make my dream come true, when I decided to meet my future husband in Africa, and to have him come here in England.

Unfortunately, my husband and me split up 6 months ago. He left me with 2 young daughters to cope on my own.

My best friend supported me all the way, for the kids as well.

His only pb is his drinking habit. He does drink up to two bottles of red a day, mixed with water. Spread out from morning till evening.

Most of the time, he is fine. He got his habit under control but sometimes it catches him up, for no real reason.

When i had my first daughter i went back part time to work. He was babysitting my daughter, but sometimes, i had to phone sick because he was anable to have her.

Now i want to study to apply to a 3 year midwifery course at uni.

It is a big and long term commitment of a few years.he said he ll do anything to help me achieving that, as i want to have a carreer for the future of my children.

the thing is,.he cant be sober during these 5 years.

he has mixed feelings for me. He sees me as a "private girlfriend"... Bcs in public we are father/daughter but in private it is different.

since im separated from my husband, he sees me as "free" and wants sexe in return of his commitment. I dont want to bcs our relationship was never like that.

his few last drinks we argued all the time about that. To the point we had a physical fight last month, which made me so scared of him now.

i felt obliged to have some sexe.

its a horrible position to be in, as he always helped me. I sees my girls everyday, they are so much part of his life, and as i said, outside he is a lovely grandad.

but i feel i have to break away from him, even if it does hurt. I understand the drinking problems and i was always around when he was down, in withdraws... But i feel it is going nowhere now my husband left me.

he doesnt understand how i feel. Elwe had an argument this week and now it seems that there is no road back. Im really depressed because it is christmas soon and we had plans for the kids. It seems he doesnt want to speak to me

I feel i lost my best friend, but at the same time, i dont want all that in my childrens life...

Any advices?

im ready to reply to any questions and so...

thank you very much for your help

2

Hello Caroline. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this position.

Unfortunately, sometimes within a friendship, one person can want different things to the other person. He clearly sees you as more than a friend and I feel a little sorry for him for that. Nobody wants to feel rejected by a person they are in love with.

However, you can't be pushed into the sort of relationship you don't want, no matter how close you feel to him as a friend. I think you will find that you are seeing the result of him being very hurt, at the moment. He will also be embarrassed about you rejecting his approach. Unfortunately, because alcohol tends to suppress inhibitions, he is not hiding how he feels, as he may have if he had been sober. This has made things awkward and uncomfortable between the two of you.

One thing is certain, there is no way that there should be any physical aggression between you. That is totally unacceptable and you need to make it clear to him that you will not put up with that ever again. If he physically assaults you, you should make it clear that he will never be allowed near you or your children again.

Try talking things through with him on the telephone and setting some rules. That way you are not risking the situation escalating to one in which you may be at risk of injury. He has to accept what you are offering and, if you say that your relationship will not be a physical one, then he must accept that and not mention it again. The only way the friendship can work is if you both feel that, by being friends, your life is enhanced. If either of you feels that the friendship is a problem, it cannot work.

I think you may have to make alternative arrangements for Christmas as you are unlikely to resolve this situation that quickly if he is feeling hurt at your rejection. It may take time for him to change his hopes and expectations. He may also feel shame at how he behaved in response to your refusal to get involved with him physically. It sounds like he is normally a good man, but let his emotions get the better of him.

Give him some time to lick his wounds and I am sure he will be back in touch and apologetic. You don't say if the physical fight you had was all his fault or whether you were also guilty of some aggression. Have a think about whether you also responded badly and be prepared to apologise too, if you believe you should.

I really hope you can find a way through this because you clearly have some very positive aspects to your friendship.

As far as his drinking is concerned, he needs to get some help to stop because it will be doing serious damage to him.

3

Dear Caroline , I too am truly sorry that you are facing this difficult

Situation... he sounds a good man, but please do not ever feel coerced into ANYTHING that you do not want to do..... I am sure that he wants to

Help,, but any kind of pressure or even a hint of violence would negate

This... is There anybody else at all that you can turn to for both help and advice please do so xx we hope to hear from you soon. Please do not

Be pressured. Into any situation either uncomfortable or just NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.XXXX ,please. Let us know, I have four children and in April , I

Will become a grandmother.. love and best wishes ( please keep in touch ). Deirdre, Anne Bates xxxx

4

Please Caroline, take care of yourself and your two daughters... if you need help please ask for it, there are many here who want to help you...

Kind and sincere regards , Deirdre .xxx

5

Thank you very much for your reply.

you are quite spot on in everything you wrote!

He feels quite rejected by it all and sometimes he doesnt get why i dont want any physical contacts.

sometimes he says that i behave like a kid or that nothing comes free in life.well he says that when he is angry.

the fight was a month ago. I forgive so easily, especially when i know how he is normally,without drinking. He is the kind of person everyone wish, the perfect grandad, perfect dad... He has 4 sisters and grew up with his mum only, so he is great at girly subjects and stuff.

whatever, if nothing get resolved i feel i have to break away from him.

we did text each other today. As i said the fight was a month ago, so that wasnt the subject but his last binge this week. I cant stand his drinking no more. A few days ago i said that if he ever wants to help me while i study, he has to completely stop drinking. Because i cant constantly worry if he will be ok or not to have the girls (read being sober or not).

he obviously didnt like what i said.

he is not really physically addicted. It is more in the mind. He did stop in the past. He did stop but it was too brutal and had a mild stroke (i mean he was lucky). I was not around. That was just before I came to England.

but since then, he drinks with water. He says that it stops him of having another stroke. Because when he stopped his blood went thicker. Drinking helps his blood staying thin. I dont know about that.

he drinks all his life.his mum died a few years ago with big kidneys problems. She was on dialisis (i dont know how to spell it). She was an alcoholic too.

For the fight he started it. I was bruised everywhere from his grip and because of my muscle stiffness.

But I had to defend myself. And the only thing i could do was to bite him.so i bit him at a few places. He then punched me several times on the face.i had a black eye. At the end, and what stopped us was that i managed somehow to bite his tongue. That stopped him bscause of the instant pain.

At the time i really though he was going to kill me. The girls were asleep in the other room.

Since then we spoke about, he fell guilty etc etc. No more of that. And it is in the days after that that we had some sex.

I was thinking, anything but not another fight, and i was thinking that wasnt a big deal afterall. But then i refused again later.

One time, since then (i didnt know he wasnt really sober, although I normally know his changing state quite well), he tried to force again..but that didnt end up in a fight.

so there were arguments after arguments, negociations, deals, etc... And myself accepting and then refusing the 2 deals. I know i am to blame for that. But he knows i dont want anything...

And this week, just this argument because he was drunk for a few days and i just got fed up... Nothing about sex, just him being p*ssed because of christmas. I know it is his life, but i told him,it does affect all of us, the kids and me: when he calls at 5am, when he calls me or the girls whatever names because he thinks its funny, etc, etc... I avoid him as much as i can when on the drink and he knows that.

but then he said he needs us to help him cope and stop... And thats the game. He is responsible for himself at the end. Its so hard. In public he tells everybody how we help each, how i help him stay off the drink, and me he helps me with the up and downs of evrryday life (paperwork, babysitting, etc).

I could have people i can speak to but because everybody thinks he is my father, i had to be careful on that point. I prefer it staying that way at the moment.

thank very much for these replies. Im better just speaking about it.

there is this break up i try to cope with. It is just now it settled down,and with my ex husband, we see each other in a public place,for him to see the girls, once a week.

But as i grew up in a tiny french village, i can count on one hand the kids of divorced parents. They were not the norm. They were as much allienated as black people could be,if there were any, there.

So it is what I told my friend today by text. Like im a bit disturb by all that.because this break up put all my system belief to just nothing.. I dont know how to explain that.

And I cant tell that to people I know because Im supposed to have lived my childhood with my mum, and people assumes, because my "dad" is here that

6

For an hour i tried to reply to you all, but i lost my text... thank you very much for your messages.

I will write another one later. It is late now...

7

It is horrible when that happens. It happens a lot here. Now, if I am writing a long post, I type it in Notepad on my computer then copy and paste it here. Then, if it gets lost, I stil have it to paste again.

8

Hi Caroline,

Your post went for moderation but I have now approved it so it is displaying above.

Regards,

Alan

9

Right, first things first. You are NOT to blame for giving in because you feared that he may get violent again. He had no right to try to physically force you to have sex and he committed a crime for which he could be jailed if you reported it.

If you say 'no' then that is it! He has to accept that or it is rape.

Secondly, his claim that he has to use alcohol to thin his blood to avoid a stroke is also nonsense. There are drugs that can be prescribed and which ARE prescribed for people who need their blood thinned (or to be more accurate, to stop their blood clotting as quickly). Two of these are called Warfarin and Heparin and, if he needed them, they would have been prescribed. He is trying to justify his drinking. I am not sure that he isn't physically dependent on alcohol, if he isn't, he is very close to being. If he wasn't physically addicted, he would be able to stop drinking without any physical withdrawal symptoms.

I can't help wondering why you prefer everybody to think he is your father. Why are you unable to say he is a friend? It is perfectly normal to have a friend of the opposite sex, even much older, here. It is also very normal for marriages to break up and for children to stay with one parent most of the time, the same as it is in large parts of France, even if it wasn't common in your little village.

My kids are 23 and 18 now. I remember, when I split with my first wife, my son (the older one) was 6 and, within about 3 years, in his class of around 20 kids, only 3 still lived with both parents And that was in a nice afflent village, not a rough place at all.

I really think you need to tell this man that you will not have sex and that, if he tries to get that again, the friendship will be over. You don't say how old you are and, more importantly, how old your daughters are. Imagine he is around when your daughters are old enough to have sex and decides that he wants them? He sounds like a man who won't take no for an answer. You need to ensure that you and your daughters are safe and his practical help and girly chats could be found from any decent friend. Perhaps your social circle needs widening so that you don't feel like you have to depend on this man who seems very very unpredictable.

 

10

By way, as a French person, your English is fantastic!!

 

11

He is an Alcoholic pure and simple period. When he drunks all the bad uncontrollable behaviors come flying out and it is all directed at u and the kids. As he blames the alcohol which is the typical alcoholic response... excuse for his out of control behaviors....

Is that the way u want UR girls to learn what relationships are supported to be??? He is not going to change. For u, UR girls, or even himself. He has been a alcoholic for many years.

I'm short and to the point. You need to understand that u r fueling this situation by letting him in UR life and forgiving him.

My sons behavior has been like that for over 20 years. He uses women and their children and there is no such thing as love for a alcoholic. It's merely a survival tactic. He can make any excuse he wants to u ,but until he is sober he does not deserve UR kindness, friendship or love... Let alone being around UR girls. 

If wishes and buts were candy and nuts we would have a scrumptious Christmas. This is what we hope we can change the alcoholic.

He must get sober and stay sober for a year before the old alcoholic ways, the mind of a alcoholic return to control him and his life and everyone in it. 

He will attack u again.... drunk...they black out and do things they normally wouldn't do...and use Alcohol  AS AN EXCUSE FOR ALL THEIR BAD BEHAVOIRS OVER & over....It will happen again and he will get worse and u r at risk as well as UR children.....

Plz see where the nearest Alanon meetings are for women and families at risk. They are in the same situation and can advise you clearly to help u see thru the alcoholics mind and control of u. They are extremely good at manipulation. Exceptional at turning things around on u, to make u feel guilty. Learn what you can do to protect urself and UR girls. U have nothing to feel guilty for. U will also learn that u r putting urself right smack in the middle of a life full of violence and worse. Life is too short. Set urself free of this relationship. It is the only way for a better life for u and UR girls. Even if it means u must sacrifice something now for a better future.

If he ever touches u again without UR consent or drunk & demonstrates threatening negative behaviors of any kind u must call the police. It's UR responsibility to protect urself... And think of the many others before u and those that will come after u if u DONOT report him the next time. And there will be a next time. He has to understand there are consequences for drunken behaviors. This behavior has been his mode of operation for many years. He has lots of experience. Remember u deserve a better life, show UR girls the right thing to do under UR circumstances. Be strong . 

Just because you have a set back, don't step back, because God is preparing you for a come back!

HOPE4CURE

 

12

Hi,

thank you everybody for your messages.

I ve been away from the forum for a while, even though at times, I wanted to write.

We did spend christmas together at the end, with 2 other single mums and their children.

we agreed to put everything on hold for the festive period, for the children.

It was a lovely christmas...

but now its back to reality.

He hasnt been drunk, although he still drinks everyday.

but we did argue, from some silly thing, which was mostly my fault at first. And obivously he is blaming me... It was roughly because i didnt test him in the morning, and he was waiting my text, blablabla but the night before he did wrote something that I took the wrong way, I presumed he was p*ssed, while actually he wasnt... so obviously he is hurt: first because I presumed he was p*ssed, and second, I punished him by not texting... so its just this little thing that made everything starts again...

I dont think there is an answer to this.

Do you think that people with addiction can be addicted to certain persons? it does feel like this with him, because he keep saying that as long as me and my daughters are in his life, he stays out of trouble (pub, tobacco, etc) and find a focus, but his feeling towards is just too much. he would do anything for me, at the end, I cant breathe. It is suffocating sometimes.

I left France a few months after my studies. I cames as an au pair. I wanted to "escape" from my own parents who were against me at the time because of the person I did marry (black, and lived in Africa, etc)...

I lived in a village and lived a really quiet life. I was 21 when I left France but looked so so much younger, and fragile and naive.

within a 3 months in England, I met him and we became friends (because he spent a lot of time in France in the past, etc.)> from the start he wanted to help me because I just looked so young and fragile.

And people around treated him as a peadophile. so thats the reason why we made up a story... that he was my real biological father, etc.

Im 28 now, and the girls are nearly 4 and 1. 

I lost my husband, father of my daughters, and it is just now, 6 months after, I am over this. Now its him, my friend.

so im on my own now with two young kids, in a foreign country (which I am attached now )

I have a focus in my mind, which I am willing to do : it is to study to become a midwife. I have this in mind for a few years now. 

I am doing GCSE in the evening when the girls sleep and will set the exams in spring. then I ll do an Access to higher education, again on my own, before applying to unis.

I do this for the girls and me.

When I have something in mind, I know I ll do it, as I did for my husband (meeting him 3 times in Africa, doing all the immigration paperwork for him to come over here, etc.)

I have determination when I want to, but i learned enough with my naivete. I have been too naive with the two men that I know. and they are both addict to something, weither it is cannabis or alcohol, both are quite destructive.

thanks Hopeforcure, for your message. I cant imagine how it can be like to be the mum of an alcoholic... it is quite painful when it is "only" your friend, but your son!!

catch you later!

thanks again everybody!

 

13

Hi,

​I keep writing, I dont know why it doesnt work.

well I will be quick and simple then!

​nothing had really changed, Hope4cure were right.

​but on top of this, he had been accused of a criminal offence (I wont say it here) and it had affected him badly.

​He donest drink much but still do binges here and there.

​the thing is, I cant be on my own when he drinks like that (which happens rarely though, when the kids are asleep).

​then Im scared of him> What friendship it is when you are scared of your friends?

​this last week end, he had a binge, He hasnt been physically violent, but still threatened me to have sex, and I wont move until we do it.. he did try to stop letting me go...

​I have had enough, it is not right. even if 98% of the time, he is "normal". in his head, he is not normal with me, because he still want a physical relationship with me, and becoming violent is certainly not right.

​We will know the results of his accusation this monday, so i know he is so stressed, but its not a reason to act this way.

​;(