Hi,
This is my first post here... I am feeling worse than ever, having suicidal thoughts every day, all day. I can’t focus on anything, can’t study, even getting out of bed in the morning is asking me a huge effort. I also feel my eating disorders coming back...
I went to see the uni counsellor and my GP to talk to them about my depression. My GP gave me antidepressants. After three weeks I told him the side-effects were really strong even though I could tell the AD made me feel a little bit better (but it gave me panic attacks, very strong suicidal thoughts as if I was losing control of my brain and body, I lost almost a stone in two weeks..). He told me to stop taking them and refused to renew my prescription. I went to see him again a week later to tell him I feel much worse than before, he said he couldn’t do anything for me and I should talk to my uni counsellor.
I met the latter for the first time about 5 weeks ago. She advised me to talk to my GP. 3 weeks later she gave me a form to fill in to see if on-going sessions are necessary. The questions were on a scale of 1 to 5, “have you been feeling down” “have you tried to harm yourself” or “have you thought about suicide in the last 7 days” to all of which I answered yes. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard anything back.
The only friend I can talk to doesn’t really understand, he just says “listen, you are pretty, you have a lot of friends, you are doing great studies, you are smart and interesting, why the hell would you be depressed and want to kill yourself?”
I cannot go to the Samaritans every week to tell them I want to cut my wrist open and let myself die until maybe someone finds me. So, what do I do?
Thanks for reading all that, sorry it is very long...
Hi lily
i am so you are going through this.
Were you feeling like this before you took the tablets or has it only been since you took them? Were they ssris?
Hi meteor
Thank you for replying so quickly.
I was already feeling depressed before, it has been going on for years. I've already had these suicidal thoughts in the past but never that strong and for so long.
Yes, they were ssris, citalopram. They first gave me really strong anxiety but then it seemed to go away after three weeks, Now I stopped them I just feel numb, like before and keep thinking about suicide. I know this could be a side-effect from them, and I should just wait a few weeks for my body to get rid of them but I don't feel safe at all. I feel like I can loose control really soon. I asked my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist who could find the right medication for me but he said he couldn't do that without a letter from my counsellor. And my counsellor said they couldn't do that and only my GP could refer me.
I am so sorry lily
I wondered if perhaps the tablets had made you feel like this but if you felt like this already, it's hard to say.
I had a friend who took citalopram and she had loads of side effects and increased anxiety and then they kicked in and they worked really well for her. It's possible your side effects may have been passing if you were starting to feel a bit better on them. It's so hard to say. I'm quite anti drugs but that's because ssris have been awful for me.
I wish I knew what to say.
Have you thought about doing CBT?
You need to find a different doctor. Do you have one at home you could go to? (I assume you are at Uni somewhere). Your gp sounds like an a....hole! Any doctor can refer you for a psychiatric assessment, they certainly dont need a letter from your counsellor! Try contacting the local nhs mental health team (if in uk) or contact MIND for advice. Practically everyine who has depression has suicidal thoughts, it doesn't mean you will do anything about it, it is just one of the things about depression. However, if you tell a professional that you are suicidal they are supposed to get you immediate help. Your doctor is not doing his job. Get advice from elsewhere. Also you can use the Samaritans every hour if you need to, that's what they are there for. Transfer to another doctor who is more clued up and compassionate. There is plenty of help out there.
Hi,
"at home" = France for me and my doctor there has never listened to me.
I should find a new GP I know, but I have so much work with uni and registering is going to take at least a week... I'm at that point where all I want to do is stay in bed and avoid any human contact...
Thanks for you help, it's very reassuring to see that some people still care..
Thanks 
I have thought of CBT but again, my GP doesn't want to refer me to anyone. I will try to find a new doctor soon, if I can find the motivation...
Hi Lily, going through similar things at the moment I have a compulsive disorder and I came off tablets that where making me feel like I could take on the world .....huge mistake now I have thee feelingsback but they are just fears I developed from when I was a kid .
Your not alone contact mind.
All the best
Barry.
Hi
I have gone through the same as you and it does pass. At the time you feel like you will never get better and it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am coming off my meds at the moment as they made me feel worse . Ps your welcome to talk to me if you need support I have a lot of knowledge about this as I have done loads of reasearch over the years. Please don't be alone with this and talk to people like myself that understand
Thats nice Michael half the battle is knowing your not alone......just had massive panic attack felt likeI was going to pass out and shaken by it but its passed. Should never come off Venlafaxine .....my mind persecutes me from the feeling and thoughts I had when I was a kid after being hit by a car. Despair, thinking your dying, having thoughts of serious illness but they are all just unresolved fears from childhood and I am finding out the hardway due to suppressing these feeling for years ........doctors say ite called learnt behaviour.......all just hypo fears like thinking I will forget who my wife is and friends feel like strangers and the thought have manifested into actuallly happpening looking in the mirror and not recognising yourseelf have you ever felt like this.
Hi barry
yes I have felt like that many times so I know how it is. Maybe you came off venalfaxine to fast? I am coming off it at the moment but am doing a slow taper. It doas take a while for it to get out of your system and can make feel bad for a fee weeks so hang on in there buddy
Hi Micheal, I am back on the Venlafxine since 26th March doc says it takes time to get back into your system.
I am imagining all types of things and the manifest into terrible out of control feelings. terrible.
Hi barry
just try to remember that the things you are thinking are not real it's just your mind playing tricks
Hi Michael, you end up convincing yourself you have alzhiemers or mad cow disease human equvilant ......crazy and ridiculous. It just feels so bad you can feel the stress in your arms and legs etc I realize I have invented these terriblee feelings and they need to be controlled.
I was told to double up on Venlafaxine 75mgs x 2 but the come down or feelings are awful also have diazapam
I've had a eureka moment when I was young I was painfully shy with girls and was taunted. I have always panic when I have met women, feelings of not good enough, no good clothes, no money which would spiral me into a depression , anxiety, and feelings of isolation etc and for some reason its happening now. I have been marrie for nearly 4 yrs and with my now wife for 10 yrs before that.....without a problem but in my subconcious somewhere I'm reliving somthing thats happend to me. once went out with a married women and the stress of that started all these feelings off.
Hi Lily
I'm sorry you feel this way - I wish I could make it better for you.
A lot of areas have IAPT services where a patient can self-refer themselves for counselling. You don't need to be referred by a GP or counseller. The NHS Choices website should be able to tell you how to get in touch with the appropriate team for your area.
Alternatively, given that your GP is basically refusing you treatment that you both need and are entitled to I would honestly contact the GP's practice manager to explain what is going on and demand treatment.
Hi Lily,
you are at a critical point. Getting on the right medication as soon as possible is very important. It's not just going to go away. Find another doctor who will take your symptoms seriously. Counseling is important but the right medication will work. I've been there and it took 6 months for me to recover but I did.
Hi Katy,
Thanks. Unfortunately at the moment there is no IAPT services but I'll look into it this summer when I'll move somewhere else. Hopefully it will help.
Hi Andrea,
Thanks for your support.
Yes, I will try to find a now doctor soon, but I am very very busy with uni and the registration process will take at least a week so I guess I'll have to bear with it for now.
All the support on here makes me feel a bit better though.