Please do not take the title lightly...
Let me give you some background. I am a 24 year old male who has been dealing with hemorrhoids for the past two and a half years. I have been trying to treat the symptoms with a well respected doctor for the past year with rubber band ligations. He has been in the field for decades, heads the colon and rectal department at one of the biggest hospitals in our state, and literally teaches people how to perform a variety of procedures. Needless to say, I knew I was in good hands. Although these treatments have helped a little, they have overall failed. After many ineffective sessions, my doctor and I began the talk about surgery. He tells me I have two internal hemorrhoids (Grade III).
The amount of turmoil this has caused in my life is absolutely devastating. The hemorrhoids themselves do not physically hurt, but they cause irritation (itchiness, hard to clean, etc.). It has completely sidelined my life for the past two years. Who could think something so tabboo can affect so many aspects of my life.
Physically, I do not lift weights for a fear of making my hemorrhoids worse or developing new ones. I was in excellent shape and my confidence was at an all time high when I was consistent in the gym. Working out has helped me mentally tremendously. I have always had issues with anxiety and depression. The fact that it is now stripped of me because of this issue just makes me so depressed.
This carries into so many aspects of my life. Work wise, I am unable to perform to my full ability because I am so stressed out from my hemorrhoids and not being able to have a mental release from working out. My boss has even had to sit me down and had a serious talk about my performance. I literally broke down into tears and started sobbing. I admitted to him it was my hemorrhoids and my only option was extremely painful surgery. I've never felt so low.
Mentally, I am at the absolute worse position in my entire life. The though of surgery terrifies me. I literally think about it all the time and it consumes my life. I know it is my only option and I'm trying to build up courage to do it. I've heard all of the horrible things about the recovery. The thought of this has literally kept me up. I rarely get even 5 hours of sleep per night. A few months back, I was up for 5 days straight without any sleep in a manic state. I've never felt so terrible...
But it kept getting worse... Depression has led me to abusing alcohol more than I usually do. I drink to forget. It isn't healthy and I hit my lowest point where I ended up curled in the fetal position sobbing in the shower... The day after I called my mom and had an emotional breakdown...
The thought of suicide has always passed my mind but it was more of a secondary thought. Sort of something that I think about but never really took seriously. But as time goes on, the thought has become more of a reality.
I realized this this is daunting and I have decided I want to fight. I have been slowly been building up courage to schedule a hemorrhoidectomy. To say I'm beyond terrified is an understatement. I have read many stories about the recovery and they are nothing short of horrible. Black out pain. Vomiting from pain. Crying yourself to sleep. Worse than childbirth... The list goes on. I have never been in any serious pain in my entire life. I do not know how to prepare for this. But at this point, I have no choice... Either I get this surgery and fight to get my life back... or I don't and just keep on spiraling into a deeper depression and then do something stupid...
The reason I am posting this is to ask for support. I need it more than ever in my life. I am at the absolute lowest point I've ever been at and am desperately searching for support.
Also, those who have gone through with this surgery, could you please offer me some advice, input, or tips that could at least make this entire process for me easier?
I plan on doing an update to this post about how I am doing post-surgery.
Thank you sincerely for reading this lengthy post... It's time for me to fight to get my life back!
- Maxwell