How can I get help

Mental health
1

I have had bad depression most of my life and have in the main fought through with medication.

I've been on quite a lot over the years.

I've never had therapy because I can't face it ( I know my causes are genetic/ horrible chikdhood/ no loving parents/physical health issues and financial difficulties). I don't need that pointed out. No amount of talking will make any of that different.

I also am coming to terms with knowing I will never be a mum. I always thought I didn't want children because I was afraid I would be like my mum. Now I'm pretty much past it and not physically or mentally up to it. But I feel I'd love to have a family now and my husband would be a wonderful dad.

This time round after struggling for several years ( just managing to keep my job and staying in bed the rest of the time) things are worse and anxiety and insomnia are adding to it.

After waiting 6 months to get referred to the community mental health clinic, I was basically told I was on a good antidepressant so I should be getting better. Few months down the line I finally couldn't leave the house because I'm sobbing and throwing up and want to die. I'm now jobless for the first time in my life.

I've been so bad that I can't even make phone calls or see the GP a lot of the time- they don't seem to understand- just give me tel no for self referral for counselling etc.

My husband saw my GP to insist on an urgent referra in Februaryl and I have only just got my appointment, to the same place.

I don't have many close friends or family, and as you can imagine they are already doing things for me. My poor husband has a demanding job and is working hard to keep us afloat financially and practically at home.

Finances are terrible ( I only got SSP) now I need to apply for benefits and I can't face the form and there is NO WAY I will go to a job centre or wherever.

I'm too good at putting on a front when I really have to, why don't the professionals see through it?

I'm not on any meds now as nothing was helping and my GP actually said she "didn't know what to do with me". I was hoping a clean slate might be beneficial and I've lost all faith in meds. Even when I've been on a good one, it never lasts permanently and there are contraindications with my other health issues.

My GP is so risk averse ( is everyone afraid of being sued!!??) I don't even get given anything strong for sleep or to help to just get out the house to appointments. I feel its been so cruel to leave me in so much distress for so long.

I'm sorry for the rambling post, but I'm alone all day with all this in my head.

I really want to ask if anyone knows if there is any kind of advocacy service, maybe with one of the charities? I need someone to speak on my behalf and fight for some help because I don't know how much longer I can go on, and my poor husband can't do it all. I can't call people or go to appointments when I physically can't stop crying, shaking and sweating.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Sunny Dee x

2

We can chat, talk on the phone if you like, I'm going through something too

3

Oh my! You're really in a bad place right now. Very sorry, hun, and I wish I could help.

Ring the Samaritans and ask them about advocacy services. You can also, of course, talk about what is troubling you.

Also, change GPs. Either see a different one in the same surgery or transfer toa completely different surgery.

And......................I have yet to hear anyone say anything useful to patients who use mental health services. Message tomorrow - I'm mad busy right now, but am thinking of you. Love Tess

4

whats that saying? "you must be sick and tired from being sick and tired" i know i am. i know how you feel about having a child. i never wanted one because i was very afraid of turning into my mom. plus i've had depression since i was a little girl. i knew it would not be fair to the child if i was chronically depressed. and, i really have never missed having one. its been hard enough taking care of myself.....until recently. i still am depressed, but when i see a baby on the tv, or in person, now, i want one. only cause i feel like i might have missed out on something special. i am certainly not having one at 53 years old. i did the right thing by not having one. i think i just miss it now, because now its too late. you know, its like when you want something and its not available, suddenly you want it even more. i cant work anymore, so now i rely on my boyfriend. he works so very hard, and i feel so bad. i cant even afford to pay my rent. i'm lucky my dad is the landlord. but i feel horrible about it. he's not very happy with me, because i am a financial burdon. i dont know what i am going to do if both of them leave my life. i'll probably end up in a shelter. i really dont look forward to that.

anyhow, i take alot of psych meds. six different ones. can you believe that? i feel like i am a walking pharmacy. and i see my therapist twice a week. and a shrink once a month. these people have saved my life. i'm sorry you haven't found a combination of meds that would help you feel better. they do exsist. but it took years to finally find the right combo. and i used to hate talk therapy. i would always come up with some dumb excuse to get out of going. that was years ago. i now have a good therapist. it took me years to like her. now, i love her. so what i am saying is, sometimes it takes forever to get better. but i am finally there, after a LOT of suffering. i am doing the best i can with what i got. you should call ' catholic charities '.....i believe they will have a lot of ideas, and suggestions for you. you know, maybe they'll give you some phone numbers, or maybe they will even help you make the calls. i truly know how you feel. you need assistance....and you are looking for it. good for you girl. i know it's hard, but you are going in the right direction. god bless you honey, and good luck!!  truly, laura

5

Yes - you need to go through counselling.   It's one thing knowing your issues but it's totally something else being able to deal with them.  A good counsellor can help you see things from a different angle and help you with coping skills.   Apart from meds there is little else available for the treatment of depression.  If you could have sorted things out yourself before I presume you would,  so it's not working is it?

You don't at this stage certainly,  have to go to a Jobcentre.  What you need to do is ring the contact centre to put in a claim for ESA (sickness benefit).  You will then need to get a sick note from your doctor.   If you have been working for the last 2/3 tax years you should be able to claim contribution benefit and this doesn't depend on any other income coming into the household.   You might not get both SSP1 and ESA but apply anyway. 

Look on the Govt site.  Just google this and it will come up.  There is lots of info on there about different benefits and how to apply for them.  x

 

6

I can relate to both of you never having children because of your depression coz that is the story of my life too.  I too have had enough trouble taking care of myself without having the added worry and expense of a child.   It does make for a lonely life though as nearly all my friends now have grandchildren and are very busy so I am lonely quite often.   Still that's life. 

Also because I don't live with a man (or woman) either (can't cope with relationships),  I suffer from people having sly digs at me who are determined that I must be a lezzie then.   I play darts twice a week including tonight and I got this from the other team who all laughed at the 'joke'.  It of course makes my depression worse but no one ever says anything to my face so I can't challenge it.   I am thinking of giving up my life long passion of darts and I know now why many women my age on their own don't go out socially any more.  x

7

That is so very sad.  I thought that sort of discrimination was history.  Don't let them make you give up your passion because of their small-mindedness.  Grrrrr....it makes me so cross.

Patxxxx

8

Well it's certainly not history where I live and shows no signs of ever being! 

It's something I will have to think about but not going to leave right now.  Thanks Pat  I appreciate your reply.  Bev xx

9

Thank you to everyone taking the time to read and reply. Just that in itself is helpful. I'm well aware there are probably those suffering even more than me.(But boy that doesn't feel possible to yourself does it!?)

Every individual thing I need to attempt to do can take weeks or months to build myself up to, but I very much will take on board your suggestions.

I just want to check out from dealing with everything and everyone. But life just keeps coming!

Regarding children, I think I've become bitter that its not been an option for me. People just think it's because I'm not the 'motherly' type. No, it's because every child should be loved and wanted and brought into the world with thought and care. Sadly many of us are here for nothing close to those reasons!

The saddest thing is I can no longer feel joy for friends and family having babies. That makes me very sad.

Anyway, thank you all again for commenting, it's very good to blather on to some people who understand.

Sunny Dee x

10

So glad you're still posting messages - we all want to try to help. Please let us know how you're doing tomorrow. Love Tess

11

Thank you x

12

Also MIND Charity can help with Advocacy service - they did for me 2014 xx

13

I live alone with a cat for company , fortunately many of my friends are single as well ( i am 52 1/2 ) , they are either slightly younger or older , do not have partners , etc , i consider myself selfish as i prefer the single life - can do what i want , when i want , if i want to stay in bed all day then that is my choice , i know when i was working in a hotel back in the 1990's before my depression was diagnosed i was accused of sulking ( wasn't - i just never understood why i felt so low but i certainly was not sulking !! ) also i would be accused of being the other way inclined by the housekeeper just because i was friendly with another colleague who was married - once again was utter rubbish , but then that big fat cow of a housekeeper was a nasty bitch !! , i am not interested if people prefer the same sex in relationship , i prefer the opposite sex but no-one has the right to judge a person without even knowing their background , etc especially not strangers , you need to face those nasty people but only if you can cope with doing that - maybe get a funny badge that pokes fun back at them or maybe just aim a dart in their way ;-)

14

dear maria, when i lived alone for 6 years, with my cat, those were the best days/years of my life. it hurts so much when i think about it, because i wont ever have that again. how i wish i could go back in time.

now, my dad lives down stairs from me, and he's disabled so i have to help him out. he calls me at least 5 times a day. and he insists that i see him every day. in almost 20 years, i've had maybe 3 days to myself with the flu. (he would call, but i didn't have to go downstairs and see him.), and i have a boyfriend, who has his own place, but he stays here day and night. i cant even put stuff away because he has brought over most of his stuff, and it has taken up most of my space. i have fought to get my independance back, its too late now. it's complicated to describe.....

but maria, enjoy your freedom as long as you possibly can. dont let anyone talk you into changing. i liked when you said," that big fat cow of a housekeeper was a nasty bitch!!  you made me giggle. thank you for that!.... of course i love my dad and boyfriend..but i loved myself more in those short precious years. live your life, and be as happy you can, do whatever you want. thanks everyone for reading my stuff, and listening to me. i want to cry right now, but nothing comes out.....its hurts

15

It is a tough world out there sadly , i am not normally nasty about people who are of larger size but like my colleagues at that job ( one season was more then enough !! ) we all felt that her thighs were like tyres layered up , unkind i guess but it was not because of illness why she was that big - she was short as well so that didn't help - she wasn't a nice person and i have always been a sensitive person , with that job and the following holiday season job i got i found workers who had been there longer were always very clicky - not pleasant then the doctor i had at that time put me on incapacity benefit ( 1998 ) as my depression was diagnosed a year or so before , my mental health went downhill , i wish my doctor was still alive because she was an expert in Mental Health ( she must have been gone at least 10 years - cancer ) , i have always lived alone since early 1980's , there is no way i could live with my Mum ( she is lovely but we are not compatible ) as i did live with my parents between flats back in 1998 , sense of relief when i moved here , a friend of mine up in Leicestershire husband who is much older then her has very poor health so she is tied down with caring for him , now her dad has ill health ( he is the same age as her husband ) and is on wafarin ( same as me ) and she is trying to get Social Services to sort out care for her dad as there is no way he can live with her as he and her husband clash , she and i are supporting each other via emails , facebook daily , i know that if either of my parents were taken ill then i would be there to help as they have helped me many a time , i guess it is our duty , my brother lives abroad , another brother who i dislike who lives further up the country ( he sexually abused me when i was a teenager ) i wouldn't turn to for help . I have a lot of respect for you Laura as being a carer is hard work , even more so caring for a family member - i do feel that sometimes you need to have some timeout to yourself , cannot be helpful having your partner there as you cannot shut yourself away for a while , please take care xx

16

Oh Laura, how sad.  You touched my heart with this post. 

There is nothing I can say to make anything better for you, but I just wanted you to know how much I feel for you.  We all think that being alone is the most terrible thing....but that isn't always the case.

I hope things improve for you before too long.

Pat xxxx

17

Hi Laura

Just wanted to say Hi, and thank you for replying. It really sounds as though you understand quite well!

Even when a partner is willing to support you, it's not what anyone wants is it?

Do you feel bitter about the child thing? I think I kind of do now. Feels like I never even allowed myself to consider it and now I feel jealous and resentful about everyone starting families. I hate that I've become bitter and resentful of a lot of things.

I've never been materialistic in any way- but now all I can see is how unlucky I've been not to have any advantage of upbringing or education ( I got my qualifications such as they are myself as an adult). Having money would mean the removal of huge stresses and I fantasize about being able to check myself into the best psychiatric hospital in the world! How's that for a lotto winning dream eh?!

I do have to remind myself that I do have true love and that makes me very lucky as many people don't have that.

My mum has been ill. We don't have a good relationship ( she's someone who should not have had kids I'm afraid!) and even while I cared and did stuff for her she was still so cruel to me. I wasn't quite cheerful enough for her you see. Well jeese, I cancelled jumping in front of a bus to look after you today so maybe give me little leeway if I'm not laughing like a hyena?

Anyway I came to the conclusion that when she dies, I won't mourn her, but the mother I never had. It's so sad. She knows she screwed me and my siblings up but has made no real attempt to address anything and I've finally got so ill now that I'm too exhausted to carry on the pretence of having any kind of normal relationship. 7 months since I broke down and stoped working. Phone calls and offers of help from my mother? Zero.

And that's completely expected and normal for her.

How can that not mess you up.

Sorry to go on again. I hope you are well.

I have an appointment tomorrow, I hope I can get there and get something from it.

Take care

Sunny Dee x

18

Thank you Hypercat.I hope I can get it together enough to start the ball rolling with all this as things are pretty desperate now.

I'm sure talking would be beneficial if I could only get myself there. I went to a counsellor ONCE years ago and all I remember is sitting in a tiny room saying nothing because I was so uncomfortable and it was nothing like in the movies- no kindly professor asking gentle questions. Just ' So why are you here?' Then silence.

I find it hard to take in any info at the moment, reading about benefits etc leaves me none the wiser and terrified of all the forms and mentions of assessments and 'job clubs'?! My God ! Right now I can't imagine ever working again. I've worked for 21 years.

Thank you again for your input, it's really appreciated.

19

Hi Tess

Just wanted to say than you again for your messages.

I have a CMH appointment tomorrow. I hope I get someone good who can see what I need. When I'm feeling most coherent I can see exactly what I need but find it too hard to express and get across. If I were watching someone else waste their life waiting years for the right help I'd be horrified and fighting for them.

Got to try and summon the energy to do that for myself but it's so hard.

Thanks again

Sunny Dee x

20

You are very welcome.  First of all there are no forms to fill in as ESA claims are dealt with over the phone.  An agent will take you through it with a series of questions so it is quite easy.   The numbers and details are on the govt.site.  I am not sure if you can claim ESA whilst still on SSP but have a look anyway.  If you can ring the number to make the claim,  get a med cert within 7 days and send it in. 

You have around 3 months usually before you are called for an assessment so don't worry about that.   You only have to go to a job club if you are on JSA or if after the assessment you are put in the work group for ESA.  Again this won't be for ages yet if at all.  Don't get too far ahead of yourself and only think abou the next step along the line.

If you are unable to leave the home a counsellor should be able to come out to you.  x