Hi everyone! Long story short, my boyfriend is 20 years older than me and just last year had an op for cancer and got a divorce at the same time, he now lives in a room, struggling for money, cant function like a "normal man" anymore and is really struggling mentally. I try and be there for him as much as i can, however i suffer with anxiety myself and im quite a needy person, so at the minute were clashing a little as i always want to be around him and need resurance and stability whereas he likes some time to himself and doesnt think into things as much as me.. Most days when i speak to him he will always say "im not in a good place today, need to clear my mind" and in the nicest way possible its becoming quite draining as i just want him to be happy with his life and it makes me feel as though i make him unhappy and he wishes he was still with his ex wife. I probably sound really selfish but i dont know what to do.. he has already seen a therapist but his sessions are over now and he says i cant help him mentally i just have to bare with him but i feel as though he wont listen to anything i suggest as he is very stubborn and always knows better than me. Thanks for your advice in advance.
Hi Brooke - sorry to read of your situation. Hope the cancer is gone for good, and lucky you for surviving the horror and surgery. A 20 year age difference is quite a gap and I wonder if the man is something of a father figure for you. You say he has depression and yet you want stability from him. He has told you that you can't help him mentally and that he needs space to clear his mind. You state that you feel you make him unhappy and think he wishes he was still with is ex-wife. You also need reassurance and stability whereas he wants time alone and isn't as deep about things like you. My advice would be to give him space. Kep in touch to let him know you are there, help him if he needs it, but be undemanding. Your neediness may be driving him away and creating the burden of expectation on him that he doesn't feel capable of carrying at this time. Might be an idea to wait until he contacts you. The other thing is that, being 20 years older, he natuarrlly thinks he knows more, and then of course there's that old masculine expectation society has demanded - that the man should be in control and have the answers. He can barely do that for himself right now and needs to work out a way to deal with his illness and be able to have dignity too. Difficult situation. The one thing that is as real as this site - you cannot change him. He must be willing to do that himself, and often it takes hitting rock bottom before we take on that responsibility.
Thank you so much for your reply, i understand what you mean., Its difficult because he without a doubt texts me when he wakes up every day and calls me in the afternoon he always does contact me first (i can be a bit much in between though i do constantly text him throughout the day and he gets annoyed with it) maybe thats just the age difference though! Also, i will be absoloutley fine and happy with him and then all of a sudden it will pop into my head the fact he wont let me have the password to his phone and if i go to do something on it he gets funny so it sets me back, he says thats just the way he is its his privacy but doesnt mean he is doing anything wrong but i just dont agree with it and it really gets on my wick, so i will mention something to him but he gets really annoyed and says "oh gosh why you bringing this up again, i told you it is what it is, stop adding to my mental state please!" i just feel like he ALWAYS uses this as an excuse for everything and as to why he doesnt want to talk about moving in together yet or why he isnt lovey dovey with me like he was his ex he says is because, and i quote "cancer changed him" and i am young so i dont know wheather this is true or he is just making excuses. Bare in mind i have given him every oppertunity to tell me if he doesnt want to be with me, i tell him all the time but he sys he loves me and cares about me he just needs me to flow with him at the minute... but this minute is turning into quite a long one....