How do I cope 2.....narcissistic mother?

Mental health
1

Last week, I made my first post on here due to my mothers attitude grinding me down and my worsening depression.

I lost my son less than 2 years ago to cot death, so I set up a donation page to help pay for his gravestone. My mother messaged me saying how she disagreed with it and that people would.."talk."

I got over this, I just turned 21 on Sunday and had a great time with my boyf.

I dreaded even seeing my mum last night and was distant with her all week through messaging. But I met up with her, her brother and both of their partners for a planned dinner. All was going well, then my uncles partner, (who can only speak Chinese) pointed at and asked my mother about 1 of my tattoos.

My mother shook her head and had a disgusted look on her face while she muttered a reply in Chinese.

SHE WAS SITTING RIGHT BESIDE ME.

Now me being me, I let it go for my own sake. Her attitude just gets worse, she doesn't know that I noticed this incident. The worst part is-the tattoo is in memory of my son with his name. Both of my tattoos mean a LOT to me, I didn't just get them for the sake of it.

How do I deal with this woman!? She doesn't understand any of what I'm going through, and doesn't support the decisions I make in life because she thinks she knows better.

She's a narcissist isn't she? I've been reading about all of that and it sounds familiar.

I'm sick of her stupid fake smile and "positivity," when all she does is put me down to make herself feel better. I have only seen her once a week my whole life, and now I dread it. I give her chance after chance, only to be more disappointed!

And I doubt theres any point in me talking to her, because she will never understand what it's like to lose a child, she doesn't even believe depression is a big deal.

Seriously considering just cutting her out of my life, why do I need that kind of negativity?

All replies will be greatly appreciated! smile

Debz

2

U need to cut ties debz shes emotionally damaging. Sounds v narcassistic in nature & has little regard for u.. kping this revolving door open for her isnt working clearly maybe she only knows and wants wats best for her xxx

3

Uugh amanda it is so frustrating! I don't know why I bother, I think she completely takes me for granted!

See she has always financially supported me, but no emotional or physical support. It really is damaging like you say, and I don't want to end up like her. The woman doesn't even know how to give me a proper hug, which is sad.

Do they know that they are being like this, or is it just part of their personality?

I can't help but feel like I would be hurting myself if I cut her out of my life, but she does need me more than I need her. If this is how she really is, I want no part of it.

Many Thanks!

4

Hi debz yes my dear it certainly sounds as if your mother has those traits. I personally can't even try to comprehend the pain associated with losing a child in the manner you have

Your mother clearly displays no empathy or understanding for your situation and I fear only a toxic relationship is developing, the good thing is as you stated you have only ever seen this woman once a week your whole life so cutting ties with her should although some may feel not ideal it should be rather easy to do from a distressing angle

You should never feel the need to explain why you have tattoos they are there because we want them and they have significant meaning to the individual.

Personally I had no parents was always envious of others ya know but then now I think I don't miss what I have never had I imagine that's how it's going to be for you she doesn't seem to be be a good role model I can't imagine what benifet she could have within your life.

However I'd suggest maybe more distancing yourself from her make her realise her attitude toward you has got to change so left the door ajar at first is my advice and I'll explain why the fear of losing you completely may just be enough of a kick up the butt to ensure she changes her ways ( not defiantly of course but who knows it may turn into a blossoming relationship) and number two is if you leave the door open and she fails to walk through it for you you havnt really made that decision ya know you have her the choice to cut someone off could end up playing on your mind in a few year you may feel over whelmed with guilt so protect yourself early leave the door open advice her this is what your doing if she chooses not to walk through that door for you you can never say you didn't try you never need feel guilty just a suggestion Hun x

5

Thanks for the insight superfluous!

I don't know if she knows what empathy is lol. Btw I am sorry to hear you were without your parents, that must be hard in many ways, imagining life if they were part of it.

I have always found though, that the most difficult relationships I've had have been with both of my parents! It definitely isn't all roses, its getting harder for me as I get older.

I really do think I'll be leaving the door open slightly, guilt is a horrible emotion and I don't want to put that on myself. All week I have taken hours to reply and spoke very little to her yesterday at dinner too. It has helped me move on from all her negativity, and made me realise that maybe I have let her too far into my life. More so than she deserves.

I won't be telling her as much about my life now, if she tries to put me down again I will be confronting her. I have to draw the line somewhere, just because she is my mum doesn't make it ok for her to act like that. As you said, I can leave the door open, without wondering what if. She can make the decision, if she can mask her negativity for 4 hours a week then GREAT!! If not then it is on her, I have done my part.

At least if I do it this way I know where I stand without making what could be a long term mistake.

Thanks again

6

Hi again Debz - yes she sure sounds like a narcissist. My mother is the same - knows everything and tnothing anyone does is good enough because she "knows" she can do better. There are two things you can do:

1/ keep your weekly "appointments" with her. Everytime she makes a condescending comment/statement/opinion about you, what you do, or about your life, in any language, call her out on it: "I have this tattoo because I love my son and it is my private memorial of his life. And this other tattoo means a lot to me - I didn't get it just for the sake of it. In future, I would appreciate it if you would respect that." Use this phrasing to counteract anything she says that belittles you.

2/ Cut her out of your life. Start by stating that you are "unavailable to meet this week." Use it again the next week and the next, etc. etc. Eventually she will demand to know why you are avoiding her. "I can no longer tolerate the demeaning things you say to/about me."

You have said it yourself: "I have only seen her once a week my whole life and now I dread it. I give her chance after chance, only to be more disappointed."

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. You need to put yourself and your mental wellbeing first, and be strict about it. 

 

7

Thank you wayne

I think I will start with number 1, if she can't get over it and still disrespects me then on to number 2. There is a reason I never lived withy mum and I'm glad I didn't.

I don't know what exact narcissistic traits your mother has, but it is so draining being around people like that.

Well, starting this upcoming Monday mine is in for a shock. It's not my fault that she feels guilty for choosing work over me, it was her decision.

Damn I hate narcs...!

8

U get the stone statue wen u hug yr mum too x makes you feel crap huh . My mum duznt realize it xxx so i think in her case shes no clue xx

9

So glad that someone also understands this amanda, it's so uncomfortable with no meaning.

Don't really think my mum is aware either, but even my boyf laughed at the way she hugs. He said theres no love in it, he was very close to his mum but lost her some time ago.

I suppose thats the only thing that gets me, you only have one mum. It's a shame we all can't have a close and loving relationship with them. Xxxxx

10

I know xx thts y i love my daughter twice as much xx im so blessed to have her xxx sorry for delayed reply. Todays not a good day... severe anxiety xx

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Don't worry about it! Yes, if I ever have another child I don't want them to feel disconnected from me. I would find that heartbreaking, not being emotionally close with my child.

We all have our good days n bad days, hoping you feel better soon xxxxx

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Thanks debz xx just dunno hate how i know i cant put an end to this merry go round of mental illness as id never leave my daughter xx