Hi, my name is Rachel. I'm only 19 but I've been dealing with anxiety for years now. I used to have control over it, but over the past year and a half it has gotten out of control, I force my self to press on every day.
I think my anxiety started in about 5th grade, though even as a baby I would get scared and cry having no control over my breath, my mom said that her and dad would fight and id cry until I passed out from not being able to breath, that stopped once I was about 4. I was home schooled until 4th grade, living on a secluded farm. In 4th grade my parents got a divorce, the divorce didn't bother me much, I knew it was best for my parents. I was excited that mom, my older sister and I would be moving to town and finally be going to public school. Public school was nothing like I had expected it be, I was a little behind due to my moms frugal ways of home schooling and I was very different than the rest of the kids due to such a sheltered childhood. In 5th grade there was a lot of family issues with my dads new family. My mom, going through a lot with the divorce and her own anxiety issues took a lot of her anger towards dad out on my older sister and me, I would stick up for my sister and get my mom to leave her alone, my sister was scared of mom and wouldn't stand up to her when I needed her help so a lot of moms anger ended up falling on me. By 6th grade I had adapted to public school and made plenty of friends, my mom would never let me hang out with anyone out side of school until I was old enough and brave enough to stand up to her and just go anyway, that was about freshman year of high school. By the time I was in high school my mom gave up on me, she knew that I was sick of her crap. I didn't do well in high school, I had detention every day, was kicked out of class almost every day, I cared nothing about school, I didn't care about anything but having fun, I felt as if I was never allowed to have a childhood so I was gonna make sure I could be a teenager. When I was 17 my mom called the cops on me for sneaking out, smoking weed and drinking, she had the cops come search my room. When we got out of court I told dad I was moving in with him, got in his truck and me and him went and got a few pairs of my clothes, I didnt go back to moms house for months I had no contact with her.my dads wife and I had never gotten along since all the family issues in 5th grade, she kicked me and dad out of her house, for the next few months we either slept at my uncle's or stayed at a camp ground until his wife decided to let us move back in. The responsibly of my 3 year old sister and my 5 year old special needs brother fell on me. My sister even started calling me mom. My probation officer and dad got me to go back to school, I hated the school district my dad lived in and was sick of playing mom instead of having my own life so when I finally started talking to mom, I moved back in with her. About 3 weeks before I got off probation I started talking to a guy online who lived 11 hours away from me, we had such a strong connection. It had never been so easy for me to talk to anyone. All I knew at that point was I needed out of that small town and away from my family. I used every bit of my money for the gas for him to come pick me up on the day I got off probation. Our relationship was so amazing for the first few months. Something in my brain freaked out when I got down here, I no longer had insurance so I had no way to pay for my anxiety medication any more, I still dont have a way to pay for them. My boyfriend at only 23 needed a back surgery. A week before his surgery my sister called me in a panic, my grandma, who was the most important thing in my life was in the hospital, she was the only reason I kept from killing myself in high school. My sister bought me a bus ticket so I could come say goodbye... I never ever wanted to see such a strong beautiful lady like her in her condition, it broke every piece of my heart. The day after getting back from all that, my boyfriend had his surgery. His surgery failed and his back is worse now than it was before. Every bit of my strength and energy went towards supporting him. That was a year and a half ago, since than my anxiety has taken over me. I don't worry about money or anything like that, ive been homeless, I can handle being poor. My anxiety is over the dumbest stuff. My anxiety is very social, I haven't made any friends living here because im to scared to let my personality out of its sell. If im not in my house all I can think about is what everybody else is probably thinking about me. My boyfriend and I fight all the time now, its over the same thing every single time, its about me being anxious, the same outcome every time too, I get so worked up and scared that I cry, than start hyperventilating. I stay by him, I support him through every part of his back, but I have no support for my anxiety, I know that he cant understand what im going through, I don't know how to control it and he doesn't understand that... I feel so lost and alone.