help! they say as adults you can count your TRUE friends on the fingers of one hand, what do you do when that friendship dies after 39 (yes you did read right) YEARS. it's tearing me apart, a lifelong friend, who has lost it and (tell me if this is nasty or not) had a go in a TEXT onslaught about my dad. she was at his FUNERAL 8 years ago, she also rubbed it in her about her kids and knows there are deep-seated really sad reasons i have none! i feel really broken. she also had a go at me because i dropped a birthday card off to her, just because it's the sort of 'horrible, rude' thing i do. what have i done wrong? how do i let this one go? i can't forget her after THIS many years.....
Hi Sam, been a while…
It is not your fault. Why someone would ‘have a go’ at you for sending a birthday card is beyond me.
People let us down in many different ways for various reasons, 39yrs is a very long time and yes, it must really hurt which is just so sad…have a think on these questions if you have the time…
- Is she accommodating when you need her?
- Do you feel it’s you who does the running mostly?
- Do i feel less important in this friendship?
- Are you the one who’s concerned about your friendship more than her?
- Ask yourself…is my ‘giving’ (time, care etc) to our friendship moreover to my cost and to her benefit?
It may be you need to evaluate the balance in this friendship and talk with her openly.
I walked from a long term friendship as the scales were always tipping in her favour - I saw her clearly for what she was - a user, a taker and had a somewhat narcissistic personality via attention seeking who had to have everything her way.
When I pulled back and stopped ‘running to her’, guess what - she disappeared, there was no longer any use for me. Yep, it hurts though when I asked myself the above questions, i knew I was doing the right thing - I still think about her and yes, I go through the motions at times of thinking, well why should I change because the way I am is in my nature to give, though i was being used and i could feel it, so made the heavy decision not to be used by her again.
It took me some years to come to the conclusion, you can still be a kind giving person but also not to be used by people - people tend to respect you more for it.
I hope all is well with you and if you need to talk you know i’m here.
She does sound bipolar and you caught a heavy dose of unwarranted punishment from her. Either that or she drinks. At any rate what she’s done to you is (1) rude and abusive and (2) just plain silly. You’ve been used as a target by someone with a gut full of rage to unload on an innocent bystander.
I guess it’s up to you if you want to keep someone like this is your life and that can be a tough decision depending on whether you have criteria for making such decisions. If you’re too young to have established such criteria for protecting yourself from unnecessary bumps and bruises, then the decision whether or not to keep someone like her in your life would be fraught with emotions and difficulties.
My personal criteria in deciding whether to keep a person in my life would mean that someone like her had to go if this sort of behavior were chronic on her part. If however this was a fluke and the entire rest of the time she was all sweetness and light then I’d keep her. but with the condition that. if she does it again, she’s goin’ bye bye. Whether or not I’d share this decision with her would be up to me. She may or may not get to know that I’ve made this decision. But I would know and that’s the important thing.
Best of luck with this - you sound like a stand up sort of guy and you definitely didnt deserve this kind of treatment.
hi ladies, firstly my name may be sam but i am all woman - well the last time looked! i have read both of your comments and think this: this used to be a very good friend and being such i was able to be blunt and tell her i was very hurt by what she said. she is the same star-sign as me and you can guarantee when i am hurting emotionally she feels the same. i told her some home truths that she’d hurt me about comments about my dad and not having children, she’s apologised and eventually i got a prayer sign back, i told how awful i felt of the people she knew who were dying and that we had family were dying in my family too. an apology meant a lot. she hasn’t always been like this just really going odd the last few months. if she wants me in future though she will have to ask much harder. we all have hard lives, i am having assault counselling, which is the worst thing i have ever done, it crushing me. she’s never asked me about this. the comments that really hurt the most were about my dad, who died 8 years ago, she was there and having her children, i’ll never having any as assault has torn that one to shreds, despite wanting them since i was 16!
dear ladies, i have written a letter to this friend, but as she likes text messages i have written it this way
if i send it to you will you tell me if you feel i have blown it with her? the letter says: hi deesh, i think the last few days have made me think what i do and who i upset. i always know when you’re hurting because i hurt at the same time, call it weird, call this being stupid, call it what you like or superstitious. i don’t want to lose our friendship , i have lost too many friends and people in general. i am not saying this to cling to the past but to remain with the friends i have . however, you feel we can no longer be friends then please say, i would rather know. you have been really distant for months and i know your life is tough but so is mine. i think it’s particularly hard at the moment. just please tell me the truth and if you’d like me to go then i will stay away that i can promise, it will hurt but at least i’ll know. if however you feel our friendship, as adults, deserves time even occasionally as our lives are really busy as adults then you know where i am and i will leave it up to you to contact.
Communicate your feelings with your loved ones.