Husband, COPD and quitting smoking

Chest and lungs
1

Hi, I have been reading messages on here off and on for quite some time and finally decided to joint today.

I keep trying to find an answer to this one question, but am not really finding any--though I think I know what the answer will be.

 My husband has had COPD for approx. 3 years, first they said it was asthma, then not long after, they said he had COPD.  It is getting worse as time progresses, and it's very hard to see his decline.  Here's the thing, he DOES still smoke--if anyone asks, even doctors, he says he is NOT smoking.  With me, when I bring up wishing he would quit and wondering how his health would be now, if he had quit when first diagnosed, he says something like, "I am not smoking cigarettes, I am smoking Cigarillos, and only take a few puffs at a time.  I know I should quit, but you (me) don't understand how hard it is, and the "Cigarillo's somehow make me feel better."  I have never had a smoking addiction, but I do see the strong hold it has on him.  

I want  him around for a long time to come, is there any way, I can "coax" him into quitting completely?  I am sure even those "few puffs" each day cannot be helping.  I wish I could "make" him stop, but I am sure you will all say I can't do that, that it has to come from him,  but it's so hard to see him suffer.

Some days, he will be having a hard time breathing, tell me just that, and then he goes out to have a cigarette, (well, as he would correct me, cigarillo), and I try to make that point when he comes in, obviously still having a hard time, but it's like the smoking has a stronger hold on him than anything.

Any ideas?

Thank you so much.

Deano52

2

Sorry to hear about your husband. How old is he ? How long has he been smoking ? 

3

Sorry to hear that.  You know the answer already don't you?  You can't make someone stop smoking unless they want to unfortunately.  I have mild copd and am still smoking but know I have to give up. I am sure he knows this too.

I can only say what would help me to stop.   Instead of having people 'nagging' me which only makes me feel worse,   I want people to tell me I am strong and can do this.   Do not run him down or make him feel guilty coz that way he will only dig his heels in even more.  You need to build his confidence up rather than this.   

Or you could try the ignoring effect.   Don't mention it at all for a while which would take the pressure off him and maybe he will realise himself that he has to give up.   Good luck.  x 

 

4

Oh I meant to say as well that smokers smoke coz of stress and pressure and the more (or anyone) talks about it it makes me want to have a fag.

Also all smokers these days know what this can cause ie lung cancer etc.  so don't assume he doesn't because he won't stop.  Most smokers I know laugh a the graphic messages on the tobacco and say well it's too late for me then.  I know that's crazy but that's the way it is. 

He has done well to stop cigarettes and go on to the small cigars,  so praise him for making an effort.  Ok?  x

 

5

Hi, He is 64, has been smoking since his teen years.  They say his COPD is from a combination of smoking, working with asbestos, various chemicals and fly ash.  His lungs were assaulted through his work for years, but of course back then, we didn't know what we know now.  He has a great pulmonologist.  He's on oxygen 24/7.  He now has terrible anxiety over his breathing, where he used to be the one I could count on to be calm and help me to relax if I was upset over something. 

Thanks for asking!

6

Thanks hypercat.  I have tried ignoring it, hoping he will come around, but then eventually I seem to start with the nagging again, which I agree, does not help at all.

I will try your idea of telling him he is strong and that he can do it!

Thank you so much!

7

Being a smoker for years its really hard to kick the habit. But I think the best way to even start trying in to try switching to vaping. May be that helps or atleast reduce the number of fags he smokes in a day.

8

Hi Deano

This occasionally works: instead of telling him what he needs, tell him what you need. "I love you and I need you. I need you with me as long as possible. How can I help you?"

You don't necessarily have to mention smoking or quitting smoking. If you have kids/grandkids, mention that they still need him & want him in their lives.

If that doesn't work, start new house rules, specifically no smoking in the house or garage or car, and he has to smoke at least 15" away from the door, AND police his own butts.

BTW: is he trotting down to the store to buy these things? Because neither you nor anyone in your family or close friends should be picking them up for him. You can always throw them away, by which I mean tear them to shreds, douse them in water then take that mess to the outdoor bin.

As to the nagging, etc: This is why Alanon & Alateen came into existence. Most of us who live with any kind of addiction develop distorted ways of functioning. If you want to learn how to live differently within yourself and maybe learn how not to nag, try Al Anon. It won't fix him but may bring you to peace with not being able to fix him.

No one ever did these things for me, though I've gone to Al Anon because of 2 addicts in my life.

No one ever told me until far too late that those last 10 years of smoking only 5 cigs daily counted to my lungs as 10 more years of smoking a pack a day.

9

In line with what I told Deano: you give sage counsel here and I & everyone else here need you with us as long as possible. If I can ever help you in your struggle, please speak up or pm me.

Aitarg

10

Dear Deano52

I totally sympathize with what you're going through. My husband was diagnosed 8/9 years ago (on New Year's Eve during the swine/flu period while we were visiting our son in UK) He spent over a week in hospital. He was a smoker since the age of 11. It took him 2 years after that to finally give smoking up. He used patches and chewing gum. I never thought I would see the day when he would quit as he did not really want to. Keep on at him, prepare plenty of snacks for when he feels like a smoke. But those two Nicorette things did help with the problem. And good luck.

11

I have to add this. By keeping on at him I do not mean, nagging. Do it gently. One thing the pulmonologist said to him when he admitted he was still smoking really had an effect I think. He told him calmly but steadily 'each time you smoke it's like adding fuel to a fire. That's what you're doing to your lungs.' I am not saying it was not a struggle, but every time I smelt cigarettes on his clothes etc, I brought this up. And he started admitting as it was aggravating his cough. One day I just went to the chemist's and bought him the two products, gum and patches. By the way he was 62 when he was diagnosed. 71 in two months'. Oh and we'd tried the cigars too.  I was not pleased with them either, because years before my dad went on cigars to get off cigarettes, two years later, he got throat cancer and passed within 9 months. Kept reminded him about this too. You have to be a bit blunt, but supportive too, which I am sure you are. I was desperate at times, so I know it's a battle. And pray.

12

It is very difficult to watch someone harming themselves to the point of death, but there is really nothing anyone can do if the patients is not willing to help themselves.

Maybe his saving grace will be when he is rushed to hospital because he cannot breathe, or his lung collapses, perhaps that will frighten him enough to realise he needs to refrain from cigarello or any other smoking, his lungs need all the help they can get, but its his choice in the end.

There are certainly better ways to die.

BLF helpline for you or your husband at any time you need further support.

https://www.blf.org.uk/

Many diagnosed with COPD do stop smoking, of course its difficult but its not impossible.

A pulmonary rehabilitation programme may educate your husband more about what situations create an accelerated decline in lung function.  PR courses are by referral through your husbands GP or consultant, but again this is the patients choice to attend and even to apply the information learned in order patients can help themselves improve quality of life and to slow down the progress of the disease.

I've known several diagnosed with COPD who never stopped smoking, and sadly they died sooner.  Continued smoking causes further lung damage, further lung damage results in more frequent lung infections, more lung infections result in more lung damage and a deterioration in lung function and breathing.

If your husband shows any signs of wanting to help himself.  I would make an appointment for him to see his doctor you attend with him, and discuss the options about attending PR, giving up smoking, what help and support is available etc for both you and your husband.

Best wishes  V

 

13

Hi,

How I sympathise with you! My husband (62) was officially diagnosed with COPD 4 years ago but he had asthma previously - perhaps COPD disguised? In the beginning he had an FEV of 73% and he continued smoking albeit only 4-5 a day. Several bouts of pneumonia and hospital admissions later he moved on to vaping and that has improved things slightly but we went to see a specialist last month and his FEV was 26%! He states he is not smoking but still has one a day. He is on most of the available drugs and inhalers but does not need oxygen YET!! Last January he was cycling 25 miles a day on his recumbent bike - he can't do one mile now. I am really worried and, dare I say it, fed up. I am now running our business on my own to all intents and purposes, we don't go on holiday any more and all our social activities have come to a halt as he either doesn't feel well enough or is frightened of catching something from someone outside! I hate to moan when I see that he is struggling so much but sometimes, selfishly, I feel I want to have a life too. Our boys have now left home and this is the time we should have been able to enjoy our lives - not be cooped up inside four walls.

Has your husband been referred for pulmonary rehab? Mine is going for an assessment next week as he needs to try to improve his breathing with a view to having valve implants - he was referred for rehab at the start of this but did not think his condition was bad enough to benefit. It is now!! 

Sorry, Deano, I have not been much help but you are not alone with your thoughts!

14

Deano52 -- One of your keywords in the commentary was "coax".

I don't pretend to know answers to any addiction other than to say there is a trigger in the brain that clicks in as soon as we are awake. Also, I have refrained from writing for several months because so many of the reports are distressing to read.

My own remedy to quit smoking was instantaneous . . . either stop or have an early death within 2 years. Much still needed to be done in order to reach objectives. It is by no means certain that I shall after 54-pack years averaging 7 - 10 a day. In all probability I have reduced life expectancy by ~10 years. Those of us who smoked were complete idiots. (I might have some excuse inhaling asbestos particles in the 1950s but the remaining damage is of my own making.)

I stand by previous remarks of staying active with daily exercise and, if possible, daily physical work. It is also important to remain underweight.

Another important consideration is avoiding people, especially grandchildren during winter months. Until putting it into practice in October 2015, I was picking up colds followed by hospitilisation (twice) with life-threatening chest infections/bilateral pulmonary emboli. As a result I have not had any setbacks for 14 months.

I urge anyone suffering the consequences of smoking to follow a strict regimen. The greatest reminder is to tell ourselves that much still needs to be done in life. I know of no greater encouragement to otherwise arrest progression of lung disease. It is this signal to the brain that seems to permanently switch off from the habit. 

15

Hi, Thanks, He did try vaping a number of years ago.  He stuck with it for a bit, but then eventually stopped.  I don't remember exactly why he stopped.  I think he just said it wasn't the same as actually smoking a cigarette.

16

Hi, thanks for the suggestions.  I have already tried many of them in the past, including trying to build him up, telling him I am proud of him for anything he wants to try, I will stand behind him, help him if needed, etc.  I have tried telling him I want him around for myself and our kids (who are grown), and for any future grandchildren.

He doesn't smoke in the house, but he does in our attached garage.  Thankfully, he takes care of his own butts.  And yes, he is trotting down to the store to buy his own cigarettes   I refused to buy them for him even when he was "healthy."  It's sad though, he takes his small, portable oxygen tank with him, and goes into the convenience store with that to get his cigarettes.  Makes me want to cry when he does it.

He was in the hospital for 2 weeks in September.  I found him unresponsive in bed one morning, barely breathing.  I could not wake him.  Ambulance said his BP ws very low as well as his pulse, and when they got to the hospital, his CO2 ws high.  He was intubated before I even got there, then spent a week intubated and came off the ventilator fine (thankfully) and spent another week in the hospital.  He has recovered wonderfully, BUT on the way home from the hospital that day, he wanted me to stop at the gas station and go in to get his cigarettes.  I couldn't understand WHY after 2 weeks off of them, he wanted to start up again.  We got into a big argument over it.  He then wanted to try to go in on his own, tripped and fell on the curb, ended up with a skin tear, thankfully no broken bones.  It really was not a good scene.  I just still cannot fathom how someone gets so addicted that they will go through that to get their "fix," but again, I realize I don't know the pull they hold over someone.

I want to throw them away, but I know he will just go get more, so I haven't done that.

Thank you so much for all your advice.  

17

Jonah 23, Thanks for your response. I appreciate it.  I did buy him some Nicorette gum the other day, as he said he may be interested in trying it.  So, I bought a small package, and said, if he tries it and needs more, I will be happy to get it.  

Along the lines of what  the pulm. said to  your husband, one day, my husband said he was having a hard time breathing, and the next thing I know, he is out having a cigarette.  When he came in, I asked if he realized what he just did, saying he can't breathe but then having a cigarette.  He, of course, did, but it didn't change things.  I thought it would change things for him, but it didn't.

18

Vee2, Hi, I talk about a recent hospital stay he had in a previous post, it didn't open his eyes like I wish it had. 

He has been offered pulmonary rehab, but does not want to take advantage of it.  It's frustrating.

Thanks, I am trying to get caught up on all the much-appreciated replies.

19

Believe me Deano52 I experienced a lot of those episodes. He was being sneaky and lying about not smoking and me smelling it and at times I hated him for doing damage to himself. One Easter we were due to fly to UK but GP stopped it as he had such a bad cough and breathlessness. A few days later I went out and came back to catch him in his pyjamas smoking away. I was absolutely gutted and felt so cheated. I asked him how he could do that, stopping us from visiting our baby grand-daughter because he was so ill, and he had the cheek to smoke again. I was ready to pack my bags after 34 years. Don't give up please. He just said to me this minute 'the only thing that stopped him was me being so firm. I did not know this till now. But the gum and patches did help. It gave him something to turn to while he was being weaned off nicotine.

20

Again, thank you.  We have been together 27 years.  I have those feelings of hate at times, too.  I definitely do not hate him, but in the moment, when I am feeling so lost and angry, it's what comes to mind.  Thanks for helping to validate my feelings.