I found this group and I am hoping someone can give me a neutral opinion. My husband and I have been married a little over two years. He is younger than me and more of a drinker. In the beginning it didn't bother me that he drank at every opportunity he had. Little by little his behavior has changed when he drinks. He cannot say not when offered a drink and does not have one or two drinks. He has told me that before he met me, he used to drink over 36 beers plus hard liquor once to twice a weekend and occasionally during the week. He does not drink that much me, but he has to have at least 8-10 beers per day on weekend. Sometimes way more. He has never failed to pay any bills or neglected responsibilities. He has become so hung over, he has missed a few days from work in the two years. We have argued about my concern with his drinking and he has become very upset at my comments about his drinking. My opinion is if he had a beer or two here and there and again a few drinks at some social occasions, not all, and his behavior wouldn't be different when he drinks, I wouldn't have a problem. I like to have a drink or two at some social occasions, not all. I am at the point of trying to not care when he drinks, but it's hard not to. I see a problem and he does not. He accuses me of being impossible and always having something to pick at to fight. I would like a neutral opinion and maybe a different way of seeing things if I am wrong. I love my husband and hate that this issue is coming between us. Please enlighten me.
Hi Ana. Well I hate to break it to ya. I once was your husband. I'm giving you a warning before it is too late for him. He is an alcoholic. I drank myself silly line that for many years. On and off for upwards of 20 years. Until I got pancreatitis. That was my bodies way of telling me to stop or at least really slow down. Now maybe I can have a few drinks once a month without feeling terrible. I cant tolerate alcohol the way I used too. There is nothing you can tell him. My husband tried for years to understand why I would drink to the point of oblivion. He nor I could ever figure it out. I suspect your husband has the same problem. Good luck.
not looking good..best reply is by Poppy below. Best of luck.Robin
Darling - mine is also an alcoholic, except he's not in denial, not now.
He's dying.
So you need to jump in immediately, however much you don't want to face this, and have a CALM, non-threatening, eye-contact, LOVING talk to him, when neither of you are tired.
Remind him that you love him very much indeed - many times - that you will help him through this. That you are not making accusations but believe he is an alcoholic. Use the actual word. Be sure that the TV is off, that the lights are dim, that you keep your temper.
YOU are in charge of this first, honest and painful discussion.
Now I'm only so wise, after many years, because I learned here, on this forum, that confrontation is NOT the way to go.
Your excellent husband WILL be in denial, but he'll know. Oh, Yes, he'll know that he has lost control. He will be ashamed - that is why he is angry - he wanted to give you the earth - not an alcoholic husband - yes, he will be VERY ashamed.
My own husband and I have discussed this before I replied to you, my love, and he is sober at this moment, but we've only just woken up.
He and I both think the same thing. Do your best not to make him feel bad about this. Tell him you can see a problem, and stay calm while you tell him Confrontation and a row will lead to him leaving the discussion (literally) and going out for lots and lots of drinks.
Jim is my husband. He is now sixty. So am I. You two have your lives to lead, so this is from the expert, Jim himself, in reflective mood, and his wife who still loves him very much.
Together we think that you should visit your doctor, together.
We also believe that you yourself should go to Al-Anon, which is there to support the loved ones of alcoholics. You will quickly learn all you need to know.
If he carries on denying there's a problem, you will either split up or he will take the first steps to becoming sober. It's a stark choice and a hard one.
DO NOT WAIT until he's reached rock bottom before you use your ability as his loving wife to help him.
And do send as many messages to this forum while he either stays drunk or becomes sober, as you need to.
You WILL need to. So stay with us, Ana. We will help you. xx Tess
Ana, you have my sympathy. He is drinking WAY too much. On this site you will find info about units of alcohol so you can work out his consumption and compare it with recommended safe levels. But it is almost impossible to get someone to stop drinking if they don't recognise the need themselves. It wasn't until my hubby became extremely ill and was hospitalised that he did anything about it. Also Google alcohol use disorder to find out that it isn't a weakness, a chacter flaw or a lifestyle choice. And there are medical treatments available. In my experience arguing and criticising just made matters worse. But getting as much info as you can to help you understand the problem will be good. I really do wish you all the best.
Hi ana
Same here I'm afraid, I was your husband once, just the same as poppy!
Even I can't explain why I drank heavily, so expecting someone else to is virtually impossible.
He will know his drinking is not normal, he knows his body will only take so much, he knows the effect it's having on you and that it's causing problems in your marriage. That's why he goes all defensive and tries to blame you, anything, any excuse to not address the problem. Until he accepts he has a problem, there's really not much you can do. If you Google AUD (alcohol user disorder) as its now known, rather than alcoholism, it might give you an insight.
There is another lady with a very similar situation to you on here. Am sure she will be able to give you excellent advice. She's found this forum has helped her to try and understand her husband.
Paul Turner has an excellent video you can watch. I can't find the link to it, but am sure someone else will come up with it. It's really worth watching. My family watched it and found it extremely enlightening and it changed their attitude to me and my drinking.
Bless you tess, I've just replied about you to ana!! Saying how similar you both are and was sure you could help her. Then I scroll down and see you've already replied xx
Hey! I have already answered, VL. But I forgive you, because you're one of my very close band of cheerleaders.
To ALL of you, from me and from Jim, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Our marriage would be in tatters by now without your help.
Paul Turner Naltrexone is what VickyLou is talking about but bung it into a tube that belongs to you...........so we're not allowed to mention websites on here, do you understand????
If not, PM me, Ana. Hugs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Tess
I could only help Ana because y'all showed me the way.
Hugs.
Tess what a lovely and very moving reply. Have to say, and I'm not a weepy person, the fact that you were able to discuss this with Jim and try and work out the best way to help them made me cry.
Your first hand experience from both of you could give them years of happiness and save a lot of hardship and sorrow.
Ive read hundreds of posts here over the years, and I have to say that yours and jims must be the most helpful and genuine one.
They could spend hundreds, if not thousands with private therapy, treatments, inpatient stays, but wouldn't get any better help or or advice.
please show Jim my reply if you feel it appropriate. He's obviously a caring person too. xx
Tess we keep overlapping posts!! xx
thanks tess, yes that's what I was on about xx
That arch-idiot, Jim, has been blown away by your answer and wants to know if he will get a badge.
I give up. He doesn't even know how to turn on the laptop and wants a BADGE when he isn't a member of the forum.
But, upon reflection, he has become one to many of you.
I always ask him for help when answering on the Alcohol Forum.
As he says himself, he's the expert. He leaves me to deal with the benzo addicts and I'm afraid we frequently laugh when reading the Anxiety Forum posts together......sorry, Anxiety Forum - no offence intended.
love Tess (and Badgeless Jim.)
Tess tell Jim he can have a helpers badge lol! or a consultants badge 😄😄😄😄
Will you tell the moderator or shall I?
My heart goes out to you ana. I have AUD or am an alcoholic and lost nearly everything, my marriage, my business, my health, my sanity. It is a progressive illness which will only get worse. You must try and get him to see the doctor, with you, and stay on this forum.
It has saved me when I have been on many rock bottoms and suicidal, as that's where it can lead.
Tess and everyone's answers I hope will help you and him. Read Tess's post as she has been where you are and can help you more than any of us. When the time is right maybe you should show him her post.
I wish you all the luck and blessings xx
Go on you tube and search Paul Turner Alcohol. It's at the top when you find it. Very important as it's helped hundreds of us ..
Hi Ana lovely lady...
I had a very, very severe alcohol problem for ten yrs....it nearly killed me, quite a few times...got me forcibly sectioned four times
....picked up by police twice for my own safety...and i put my entire family through hell...
The most important thing I want to say you....is please, please try not to corner him about his alcohol intake...he will be highly likely to drink in secret...which speeds up the problems and causes tremendous guilt....just tell him that you are worried about his health, and would like him to try to cut back a little......but also try not to watch him as though you are counting every drink....
He is drinking quite a large amount....but I and many others have been much worse...
If he only drinks at the weekend...is he stressed about work ?? And it is how he unwinds....see if you can talk him into having a check up at the doctors...that will pick up if the alcohol is affecting his health....
I truly wish you both, health, happiness and peace of mind....hugs both....take care always....dee xxxx
Very wise words dee. I'm sure that will help ana. You're a lovely kind lady xx