Husband's Depression and Husband's Friends - advice please

Mental health
1

Hello,

I'm a newlywed, me and the fella have been together for nearly 10 years before we took the plunge last month.

However, Shiny New Hubby (hereafter SNH) has been suffering from severe panic and anxiety disorder for quite some time, and this was heightened in the lead up to the wedding.  He finally started seeing a counsellor about 6 months ago, but I'm not sure it's helping.  He was prescribed medication (escitalopram?) by his doctor, who said that they thought he might also be depressed, before the wedding, but didn't take it.  He was advised to try a new hobby (he has none) or exercise before the wedding, but he didn't take that up either.  The wedding went by, he seemed fine on the day, and in the days immediately after, but since we returned to work, and he's been subjected to the dreaded commute everyday (which is admittedly a slog) he has been in a very dark place.

As I said, he's been like this for a very long time, and his relationship with his friends has suffered.  His friends, however, have not been very sympathetic, one of whom (let's call him F1) often makes light fun of his OCD, which has led him to almost shut them out (his sense of humour is at an all time low).  But he gets equally upset when they don't invite him along to things, or include him in anything.

He has now finally, in the last few days, started taking the medication he was prescribed, and the side effects are already quite bad.  We went to the cinema last night, and halfway through the film he got a panic attack, convinced that he was going to throw up.  It took all my persuasion to get him to continue with the medication this morning when he got worked up again about having to go to a meeting.  He's read the side effects and is convinced that he either has, or is going to get every single one of them.

This Friday, as part of Hallowe'en, his friends have actually invited him along to something, which I am strongly encouraging that he go along to.  However, I am very worried that he is going to get himself into a state, and have no one to turn to while he's like that.  My question is, can I have a chat with one of his friends (let's say F2 - who is also a good friend of mine, in fact, he introduced us) to give him a reasonable idea of what SNH is going through (without disclosing all the details) in the hope that he might be a little more understanding, and perhaps be able to help SNH if he does start to panic, or is that a massive breach of trust?  I'm worried that his friends might give up on him entirely if they don't at least start to understand why he's acting the way he is.

2

you love your husband very, very much, and you so obviously care about his feelings, I do

Not think that he would mind if you had a confidential talk with one of his friends, ( one you trust ) maybe they have not realised just how much he struggles, it can be very isolating when you suffer from depression and anxiety, I did for very many. Years, I found that once I was more open about it, people were much more gentle. And understanding. You sound a massive support to your husband and I sure that's Others will be the same...I wish you both well ( remind him that everyone needs. And deserves friends ) sincere regards to you both, take care of yourself and each other....Deirdre X.....

3

Hi.

I also had a huge panic attack in the cinema at weekend but was so proud of myself that I stuck it out and watched all of Dracula.

I don't know what to suggest as far as speaking to F2....I think that would be beneficial but only providing that you can totally trust him not to let it drop after a few beers to your hubby that you had words with him.

I'm sure hubby will be ok. Just explain to him that if he doesn't feel ok,it's ok that he just makes his excuses and leaves....the fact that he even made the decision to go and get there is progress.

Let him know that the evening is totally in his control. To give himself a benchmark to just get there. Then if he's ok to give himself another benchmark to stay half an hour.

Tell him to smile and feel proud for each benchmark he passes.

It's training his brain that he can do it and he's in control xxx

4

I'm sorry to hear all that. It's really tough having very little support when you're struggling. I think you're doing a very good job at being there for him and I'm sure he appreciates it.

It's really sad how his friend F1 isn't sympathetic. It's one thing not being able to understand someone's problems, but to make fun of them, that's just rude!

I would talk to this other friend F2, not just because of this thing on Friday, but also because there's a chance he may understand and offer his support. If not, then maybe he's better off without that group. I mean, what good does it do to you having "friends" who don't support you and even make you feel bad about yourself? I don't think it's a massive breach of trust (at least in my opinion), especially if you're not planning on sharing too many details. Do you think you could talk to your SHN about this and ask him how he feels about you talking to F2?

I'm wishing you the best of luck and I hope something good comes out of all this.

5

I should ask snh's permission first whether to disclose medical information to his friends.