husbands depression

Mental health
1

I don't know where to even Start..... June last year my husband starting getting treatment for depression, I had just found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child and it was hard. He drunk, he gambled things were terrible. He tried to kill himself on more then one occasion. Anyway I love him so have been here since.

When does it stop though? We r a year on and I'm still scared everything I look on our banking cos roughly about once a month he gambles about £400, we r struggling as it is. We have a 3 yr old, a 1 yr old and a 12 week old.

I have got to the point of thinking he doesn't want to help himself, we try and discus it but he always says I've got an illness' which I know but surely somethings gotta give?! I'm starting to hate myself, my kids r soo unhappy now too. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. Not sure what I'm hoping to find on here, support maybe? Just feel so alone, have lost my husband and just ready to get me and the kids out now.

2

Hopefully nobody will say here is what to do, that is something you two have to figure out somehow. If one makes a final answer then that answers for two. Help does come in many different ways. You are not alone.

3

I feel so helpless, it's horrible. I'm soo not ready to give up but when everyone is unhappy am I being selfish?! Will time apart help, I wish someone could just tell me what to do now.

4

Dear Becky,

As a mother I can see your tension and feelings but, one thing I would advice you please don't loose hope. You might previously tried or not I would suggest you to encourage him to see a therapist about this because sometimes medication only is not effective as it thought. I know this position as mother is not easy dilemma to handle it but, remember you are not the only dealing with these kind of situation. Millions of couples are experiencing this, I am so sorry if i sound a bit hursh, the only way you can survive is to try and help him and I could already sense you are strong mother and wife.

Best of wishes xxxxxx

5

"I've got an illness" isn't an excuse for the way he is spending all your money and putting you through hell. He has to accept responsibility for his actions before he starts to get better. I know I sound harsh, but by staying and letting him do this to you, you enable his behaviour.

I'm so sorry to sound like this, but you cannot carry on living this way. You need to think about you and your children. You're making yourself ill with the stress and worry. If he is not willing to admit he needs help with his gambling and drinking and to take his depression seriously, is it time for you to put yourself and your family first and walk away?

It's a vie situation to be in and I wish you all the luck in the world. (((hugs))) x

6

I can't speak for anyone else so I will speak for myself. Many times in my life I wished someone could just tell me what to do. It would relieve me of the responsibility of having to make the tough decisions.  And if it didn't work out then I couldn't be to blame for it. I would suggest, if you are not already going, that you get some counseling for yourself. I ams so sorry you are going through this and wish I had more to offer you.

7

Thank u everyone, part of me wants to show him I can do this by myself if I have to. He is seeing a councillor but I don't see how their helping him, it's been such a long road which makes me sad that I'm giving up.

8

Hi Becki,

Your husbands illness is not his fault. He didn't chose it. However, it is his responsibility.

Depression really can completely overwhelm the personality of the person who is ill. Which makes the part about being responsible for one's illness difficult.

Can I draw up a little analogy please. Imagine one person. Imagine that person is your husband. Now imagine your husband has two personalities.

One personality is the person you met and fell in love with. The other is the personality that is left now he has depression.

We are all dysfunctional Becki. Human beings all have weakness's and failings. However, your husband has something far worse.

In very brutal but simple language he is malfunctioning. He is ill.

His "malfunction" is causing some additional dysfunctions which, to say the least, aren't socially acceptable.

But Becki ... yes I'm afraid it gets more brutal ... until the malfunction is removed your husband will continue to behave dysfunctionally.

None of this is anyone's fault. It's really bad luck.

There are many things you can do to help your husband. Many. If he was not malfunctioning he would tell you that he wants what is best for his children. And that's what you have to do Becki.

You have to look after his children for him in his absence. That doesn't mean you have to stop loving him. It doesn't mean he's not a good father. It doesn't mean he won't get well. It simply means you have to prioritise.

And that's a bum deal in anyones language. It's not a fair position for anyone to be placed in. I don't envy you. I've only been here for a little under a week. Come and talk whenever you want.

And if you want to ask questions about depression please feel free to do so. I've malfunctioned for the last 40 years. Now I am left to try and deal with all the dysfunctional ways I have learned over that time. I've always been able to say that I have fought my condition every inch of the way. That doesn't make me better than anyone else. My coping strategies were often highly dysfunctional.

Take it easy Becki.

Nuttymut