Hipervigilante da minha consciência + medo constante de pânico de perder o controle e morrer repentinamente

[nh_user_1401723]

Sorry I’m a bit late, I had some connection issues that are now resolved.

I have to say, even though we don’t know each other, I am really enjoying our discussion here and your support makes me feel better and less hopeless.

I am still struggling, I had two awful days this weekend which caused me to postpone my vaccination…I had a sleepless night and I felt horrible in the morning. The next couple of days now are better, but I am still struggling. I should start my treatment soon too, although this will only be a talk in the beginning, and later down the road, we will see if there is a need for some medications.

Still, despite these bad days now, overall, it’s better than it used to be a month ago, which is something. But this existential/hyper-awareness anxiety/OCD is horrible. It’s like you realize you are alive and stuck in this body…like your mind can’t comprehend reality itself, and it is hard to switch focus because you are conscious all the time and the awareness itself is creating the anxiety…but there are occassions when I manage to do it, even though it’s a brief relief.

The best strategy and the one that helps the most right now is just to relax and try not to care about it. Basically, accept these feelings and let them do their thing without trying to fight them. And then it’s tolerable/bearable. But as you said, it destroys your inner self, and now I am even questioning what it feels like to be normal etc…so horrible. But I am hopeful it will go away in due time. At least I know these thoughts can’t harm me, they’re just very uncomfortable.

Making positive real life decisions is a great idea, I will try to do the same. I hope you are feeling even better right now.

[nh_user_1401881]

I’m not doing well, I’m glad you’ve got the opportunity to have some treatment - I suppose I should see someone again, hopefully you get something long term, I’ve only ever seen someone for a few weeks, filled out a few ‘how are you on a scale of 1 to 10’ type questions every week and had some superficial discussions which only have limited benefit, but then that was just our free NHS treatment.
It does come and go, I’m not sure why exactly, but recently I’ve had more periods where I’m so exhausted and disorientated and the churning of the OCD narrative is so prominent.
I found when I first spoke to a couple of therapists I sounded quite confused / confusing, I suppose it takes some time for them to understand you - an OCD specialist would be good. As you say, OCD is an illness that affects the self - a shutdown and disconnect of your own emotions and sense of yourself, you feel unsafe and out of control in your own mind and body. You get lost in an OCD story where you are cast in a very diminished and helpless role, it always feels like you’re fighting yourself, or some immovable force. I remember seeing a box of tissues on the desk of the first lady I saw and thinking how ridiculous was the idea of me crying in a session - I was already so shut down from the onslaught of it - and sometimes I feel they forget to see us as a whole person and try to connect to that person, someone who happens to have a confusing/sometimes terrifying sensory experience on the inside due to negative life experiences but would desperately like to have a rest from it, forget it forever and start focussing on real life pleasures, challenges, relationships etc. Well anyway, let me know how it goes, I guess anything is better than nothing

[nh_user_1401723]

Sorry to hear you’re not doing well, I am also struggling…although I somehow managed to “interrupt” the cycle of existential thoughts, that one feeling that started all of this is still there. Basically that thought of “being stuck in reality and having nowhere to escape” is the one looping on repeat, though I had some additional ones where I would question how it feels like to be normal, whether all of this is normal, etc… I managed to somehow reduce the number of these additional questions but that single one is torturing me all the time. And it’s like the mind wants to escape all the time, it’s so disturbing. I think I got into the state of depersonalization/derealization and then the mind started obsessing with it and this is the outcome. It started after a panic attack, I didn’t have obsessive thoughts before…or at least I think I haven’t.

Do you also have these thoughts bothering you even in a relaxed state? Like, even when I manage to relax, they are still there wanting to create chaos. It’s like you never have peace (except when sleeping), and with this whole “mind cannot comprehend reality and it wants to escape” narrative that my mind has created, it’s almost like your mind wants you to give up on living. It’s really disturbing. And as you’ve said, you have no control over these feelings.

Basically, I would tell myself that I am fine and that nothing is going to happen…but then the mind still wants to “escape” and it’s like it says “well yeah, you are safe, but also stuck” and then the relaxation cycle is distrupted. It’s like it WANTS something to happen so that it can escape. Also, when I think of taking medications to prevent these anxious feelings, the mind starts panicking because it “wants” the panic feeling to remain. Unbeliavable, just like you said, you are fighting your brain in overdrive.

I had that one talk with my psychiatrist which did help to a degree, but of course, it doesn’t resolve the problem. He told me it takes time and patience. I asked him if he thinks I’d need some antidepressant to make this expereince easier and so far he hasn’t replied but I will see what he has to say soon enough.

I hope it will get easier for both of us. It’s been “just” 3 months of this and I am already completely overwhelmed. How long are you struggling? Let me know how you are feeling now, we are fighting this together.

[nh_user_1406833]

I have the same situation as your ! i went to the hospital as well but they said im anxious, they did blood test and heart monitor everythjng is perfect ! but im feeling im going to died , felt my breath is gone and im turning blue at the same time ! the hospital asked me to follow up with my family doctor and the doctor perscribe quater lexapro for the first week and half for a month but seem it still not much help then increase to 10 mg for 8 weeks still anxiety up and down and now im on 15 mg for 4 days still waiting for the outcome . The doctor also gave me xanax which is really good , only used when need ! Hope this well help you

[nh_user_1401881]

well it’s interesting you ask how long I’ve been struggling - I mean, if I put together my own life story of neurotic problems, it would start as a young child being a bit too obsessed with germs, as a young teenager I had a more extreme health anxiety, ruminating and checking the medical encyclopaedia and convincing myself I had something bad etc. - as I got older, I think the intrusive feelings / thoughts / body sensations probably became worse, or at least changed, although I was still living a reasonably full life around it - I became obsessed with my heart, and would compulsively check my pulse when I had intrusive sensations/thoughts (somehow OCD can make you feel like you are responsible for your own body sensations - even when this isn’t physically possible / are failing in some way by having them) .
As for when did this change to something like you have - I’m not sure, I think, as I mentioned before, when I quit a job a couple of years ago (the end of a long and stressful period) - I was already overwhelmed by the physical/mental effects of anxiety - so all it needed was some time roaming around with my mind idle to collapse in on itself.
I try to avoid starting to ‘explain’ my OCD - i.e. ‘I feel this, then it does that, then I remember this thing…etc’ - because for me, that very much is a big part of the OCD, that churning narrative - it feels like, maybe just one more thought and I can ‘work out’ what’s wrong with me and what I’m thinking and what I’m doing wrong and how I might solve it in the future, and how I’ve failed to in the past - that’s the compulsion. As you say, when it’s particularly overwhelming it often feels like you’re testing ‘yourself’ / trying to continue the suffering.
I’ve had some very bad days, but some days I can function fine without feeling I’m fighting all the time, I think it’s really positive that you’re seeing a psychiatrist, hopefully you can build a good connection with him and feel comfortable to talk with him.

[nh_user_1401723]

I apologize for such a late reply, I had issues with my PC, but they are finally fixed now.

My anxiety journey is very similar to yours. I was always anxious and I was always questioning all kinds of things. My health anxiety was also worse in the past, though I still have it. One good side of it, though, is that it made me pay close attention to what I eat, how much to exercise (though I didn’t exercise a lot when I was younger, I started doing it more actively when I turned 25 or so), etc…but the bad side, of course, is that it made me obsess over different diseases, and just like you, I would compulsively check if everything is fine, etc…health anxiety, in general, is much better now, but I am now stuck with this DP/DR/existential crap.

How are you feeling now? I feel somewhat better but my brain is still torturing me. I can function but DP/DR is still there and I have a whole bunch of existential questions looping left and right. Being stuck in reality and wanting to escape, then how I can’t believe other things/reality can exist, then how existing is strange/overwhelming, then when I feel normal, I would question the feelings of “normal”…

Interestingly, whenever I try to train my brain to just not care, that also triggers anxiety. I guess, because it got used to being anxious and now I want to change that. It want to stay anxious all the time + it wants to escape reality as I’ve mentioned.

For now, I am still dodging the meds and trying to deal with it without them, but I won’t lie, it’s hard. There are good days/days when I can function, but there are also horrible days and days when I even have sleepless nights because of this. But I am hopeful it will get better. I hope you are not suffering too much at the moment.

[nh_user_1416240]

Have you ever considered the possibility of being autistic? I am on the spectrum and can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned in your post. There’s much more to being autistic, things that you might experience as well without knowing why

[Kaela]

Hi! I know this post is super old, but I’m in my 30s and going through the same thing and trying to get through it without meds! Did this ever get better for you?