I have done some terrible things. When I was about 14, living in a third world communist country, I was "recruited" by the police in the city I lived in to be a "collector" for them. It was supposed to be a joke, but even as skinny as I was, I actually had a talent for it. My nickname was "Palito", which means "small stick". I carried a broomstick. I inflicted pain. If I did not succeed, which was what was expected, my "partner", Raul, would finish the job. I feel...I don't know what. I was good at hurting people and rationalized that it was because at least I kept them alive.
I have a ridiculous IQ. I have accomplished nothing with it. If I could go back to my 11 year old self and murder him, I would. He has no idea how miserable mere existence really is. My failures as a person, a father, in business could have been avoided.
Every night for the last (at least) 20 years, I have prayed to not wake up in the morning. Every morning I am here, and therefore disappointed. I have taken the drugs. I have done the behavioral thing. One thing I have learned is that there are no new beginnings, because wherever you go, there you are.
I don't know why I'm posting. I am really not looking for help, because there isn't any. There is just this miasma that I plod through every day hoping that today will be the day. The crowning achievement? Not only am I still here, but I'm old on top of it. I gave up on fun a long time ago. Now I am not even finding pleasure. Just plodding.
Hi Baddog. When I started reading this my heart started to break for a young 14 year old boy who was forced into a job of hurting people and you were just a child Baddog. A child. I hear your guilt and I think a lot of that guilt comes from enjoying hurting people. You can't control your feelings you don't have to be ashamed of your feelings they are just that. Feeling! They aren't good or bad. Just feelings. And at age 14 how are you supposed to feel about being forced into a job that you had no choice about. What would have happened to you if you had said no? At age 14 you should have had parents that protected you from being forced into a job like that. I feel so sad for that 14 year old teenage boy who had to feel all alone and abandoned. I so hope that you can start the process of forgiving yourself and getting some counseling to sort this out. Even at 61 you are still young and have lots of time to heal and live free of this black cloud that has hung over your head. You deserve to know that you were a helpless child. You can start using that high IQ. Enjoy your children and discover your other talents. You deserve it. Please keep us posted. We really care about you here. Like you we have had our own kind of pain. Diane
why dont you put your time into writing a book about it,it might help you to write it down,at the end of the day you were moulded into the child you were,you never chose it,it chose you,you cant bring back the past(maybe 1 day 
you just have to carry on and face your demonds which i bet you have a lot of. be strong my friend and keep fighting the fight
Hi Baddog. I noticed that you have not replied to us and I am wondering how you are. We really...really do care about you! Hope you are having a nice weekend. Diane
Hi Baddog - sorry to read of your dilemma. So many of us would like to go back and change aspects of our lives, take another path that might have changed everything. We can't. But you are not the sum of this life, it's only a piece of who you are. I think Gary has given you an answer - write about it all. Don't sugar coat it. Writing can be a hugely carthartic experience and you may just have best seller on your hands. It will help you define and perhaps even expel the more uncomfortable memories where you can say "I have left it all there, in that book."