Every morning I wake up I have this horrible feeling in my stomach and then I feel like I just carnt cope with life anymore. I've had depression when I was 17 back in 2001 just after my grandma passed away. I took some tablets to try and end life but my friend found me and rang my family. On and off since then I've had depression and I've had so many anti represents but I've had side affects off them all. Two year ago my cousin passed away just before Christmas and then my dad passed away suddenly four month later at the age of 57. Six week after then my other cousin passed away suddenly. Since then I just carnt cope with life. I miss my dad so much, I feel like he was the only one who cared about me. I've got no one I can talk to anymore and I feel so alone. I'm in a relationship but my partner doesn't believe I've got depression he thinks I do it for sympathy. There has been so many time I've planned how to end my life and it Scare's me but at the same time I just don't want to be here. I don't want to go back to the doctor because the medication is awful for me and last time I spoke to my doctor after my dad passed away she just gave me a counseler number but said they charge £25 a session. I really don't know what to do anymore. I do have kids aswel but I feel like I'm a bad parent and they will be better off without me. I don't get on with my partners family because they think my partner can do better than me. I just hate life at the minute.
Hello Michelle. I totally disagree with your partner I definitely think you are struggling with depression and anxiety and they usually go together. Now I'm no doctor and cannot diagnose you but as one depressant to another I sure hear the symptoms. You deserve better!
Would you consider going to a counselor and seeing a psychiatrist as their main function is regulating meds? I have had great luck in therapy but then I am brutally honest because I wanted to have a quality of life that I had never had. It worked wonders for me.
I think if you take action that you will start feeling better. And thanks for writing to us here. We will support you through whatever you choose. Diane
Thank you for your reply. I wanted to see a counselor but my doctor said I will be charged for it. I have seen a counselor back in 2001 when I tryed taking my life and I had three sessions along with medication. I would struggle to pay the £25 a session as I'm a stay at home mum, my partner works but I don't. When I had counseling in 2001 you got the first three sessions free.
Michelle is there anything that you can do to earn enough money to pay for your counseling? Your life is worth every penny that you will spend. I remember how hard it was to come up with the money for my counseling but God knows where I would be today without it. I would have watched children taken in laundry anything to save my sanity. And did. It has given me a life inward that I never thought I would have.
I am so, so very sorry about your losses and about the way that you are feeling. You are not a bad parent or person. We will listen to you. We understand and know how you feel. All of us here have been through what you are feeling and you are always welcome here to vent, talk and express your feelings of sadness. We will support you while you are trying to figure out how to set yourself free of these feelings. You may need professional help. You have been through so much pain and loss it is no wonder you feel like you do. Expressing how you feel will help you. But a professional will know exactly what to do for you. The thoughts of suicide are the depression messing with your head, don’t give in to the depression. Fight with all of your might. We don’t want to see anything happen to you
You’re still here for a reason, you have a purpose praying things get better for you
esp for the sake of your kids! Xoxo
Im only here still for the sake of my kids, there the reason I keep fighting these awful feelings and thoughts. But I just carnt cope, daily life is a massive battle for me. I have no one that understands what I'm going through around me. My family say I should pull myself out of it and my partner thinks its for attention. When I get in the mind set that enough is enough my mind just thinks of all the bad stuff that has ever happened to me. Its like a dark hole that's dragging me down, its really not nice as some of you might know. I would do anything for my kids but when my mind goes like all I can think of is everyone is better off without me. I've got come on here for sympathy, I just need someone to talk to when I'm feeling down.
Michelle I wonder if at least a part of what is going on with you isn't unresolved grief. Going back to when you were 17 years old and lost your grandma and more recently your cousins. Could you check to see what you could find in the way of grief counseling? Diane
I think grief counseling is what my doctor offered me when I lost my dad. My grandma and my dad were a massive part of my life. I grew up very close to my grandma and I was with her when she passed away which hurt me so much but I'm glad in a way I was with her. My dads death has broke me, before he passed (well 5 year) my mum and dad split up when I was 23. I caught my mum having an affair on my dad and I had to break that awful news to my dad, the day after he ended up in hospital with angina. My dad nearly passed away when I was 13 because he had a heart attack at the age of 38. He then had to have a triple heart bypass which made him poorly for months. Anyway after my mum left my dad he's health deteriorated massively and me and my older sister became he's carers. My dad was and will always be my best friend, I talk to my mum now but that took me two years to speak to her again. That was only because of my kids because they needed to be with their Nana. Most of it probably is grief but feeling so alone and other things that's happened has destroyed me. A lot of stuff plays on my mind and I am a born worrier. It doesn't help having a partner and family that doesn't understand depression, and I have no friends anymore.
I know the feeling of needing someone to talk and understanding you I’m going through the same with that, I’ve been living in fear since 2010 I don’t know what it feel like to be normal everyday I think something is gonna happen to me no matter how hard I try not to think about it I just can’t I joined this sight n found out I wasn’t alone and people think it’s traumatic disorder and anxiety I tell my partner he like ain’t nothing wrong with you just crazy as hell smh 🤦🏾♀️ if only he knew what be on my mind constantly it’s a struggle I just want to be normal again but it’s a process and I have to come up with an daily routine and try to get it together... you’re not alone we will get through this 😘
Michelle I have suffered lots of loss and a lot of it at one time that's why I picked up so fast on the grief but with counseling and grief counseling and walking and exercise and lots of prayer I am no longer stuck. My mother was the great love of my life and I lost her at age 39. She was diagnosed and gone in 6 months. It was devastating! But I had a family and they were my reason for getting up every day and breathing I loved them so much and my children still needed an active mother. So up I got and went to both kinds of counseling for quit a long time and here I am today. Through all the loss I got stronger and my children learned how to deal with death. Today they are thriving and are strong. Please consider grief counseling you deserve to feel better and you can.
Hi Michelle,
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Not sure why they are saying £25 per session when you can get it free through IAPT. You can ask your doctor to refer you & then you call them & go from there. Hope this helps x
Thank you yasmine, this is what I thought. I did get some free when I was younger. I went in to the doctors and poored my heart out and all she did is write a number on a piece of paper and told me to ring it but they will charge me. My dads death was so traumatic, one min he had pneumonia and then early hours of the morning I had a phone call to get back to the hospital because he had deteriorated and to get the family down. We watched him for six hours slip into a coma and then we was told he had sepsis and the medication wasn't working. We was asked if they should turn the machines off, my older sister and even he's brother didn't say a word. I had to make that decision and I often wonder if I did the right thing. Once they turned the medication off he quickly passed away. I have had comments off people saying if I didn't tell my dad about the affair that it probably would have phased out and that my dad wouldn't have got so poorly because he still had my mum.
I'm going to make an appointment at the doctors as soon as I can get in. Thank you for all the support everyone
I have had to hound my doctors at times in order to get help, you shouldn't have to beg for support it should be constantly available & it angers me how difficult it is just to be heard sometimes. You've been through such a lot & seem you have so much weighing you down.That was an awful decision that you had to make but at least you were strong enough to say something, you know he's not suffering anymore & anyone that tries to blame you for anything is absolute disgrace. The main thing is you & your Dad will always know how much you love each other & that love is eternal. Don't give up on yourself, keep going to the doctors, keep pushing for therapy that you don't have to pay for. You deserve to be happy, you're doing amazingly well to keep going! Message me anytime x
Thank you that really mean a lot to me x
Thank you Carmela. Deep down I know I'm not a bad parent, yes I do make mistakes but every parent does. But once I'm in that bad place all of that goes out of the window and all I can think about is the way I'm criticized as a parent by my partners mum and sister. Once my daughter had been naughty at her house and she text my partner and said I'm not bringing her up right. My kids get everything they need and want, they are fed and clean clothed every day. They go on three holidays a year and I'm very strict with them. My eldest is nearly 13 and she's only just been allowed to play off the front of the street, unlike her friends that are allowed everywhere. When you are in that dark place it is so hard to think of good things, you believe all the bad comments are true and that you are a bad person and me been like this is a punishment. I woke up feeling awful this morning again, I carnt remember the last time I didn't. I can get out of it within an hour once I've done my cleaning and got the kids ready for school. But then something will go wrong and I'm back down again. I wish my partner would understand aswel. He just leaves me to it, sometimes all I want is a hug but I don't get one.